It truly has been a while since I have entered a new entry in this journey of mine. However, God has not quit working in me to continue awakening me to Himself. Most recently, and this is why I’m writing today’s entry, I have been brought to this most recent time. In counseling sessions I have been helping a couple of men awaken to feelings they’ve had suppressed from past hurts. We all know that men are not to be “weak vessels” expressing and showing any weakness from hurts. So, we all learn to suppress them. Later, they begin to show up as the character defects we talk so often about in Celebrate Recovery.

In these sessions recently I have been nudged myself to address a feeling I’ve suppressed for 76 years. This for me has been the bitterness of all the years of gay sexual abuse from my brother leaving me with my own gay thoughts. I’ve always resented this, even though I talk openly about it. It has always made me feel inferior to others. Just this week on Monday morning as I was journaling I came face to face with this and openly wrote to Jesus just how much I hated these memories and these thoughts. I confessed my bitterness and confessed my feelings of righteousness in being bitter. Who wouldn’t be bitter about this I’d think. In confessing all of this and surrendering it now to Jesus, I instantly felt this cleansing spirit within me.

As I met yesterday morning with my prayer warrior Lois, I realized that bitterness is a window for which Satan’s evil spirit can enter me and torment me just as he’d done for so, so many years. I hadn’t ever thought that suppressing these feelings for so long was this entry point for his evilness. Today, I feel free of this bondage/torment. These thoughts are just thoughts of temptation just as any other temptations are. I can take these captive just as scripture says I am to do.

I wanted to post this new awakening just in case there are any readers who needed to know for themselves that holding onto bitterness is no different than holding onto unforgiveness. Satan wants to use all of this to taint our thinking/pride to “protect ourselves” when in reality we are only delaying a fullness God has for us. God is so patient and today I’m so grateful He is!