Yesterday was a tremendously good day.  Kathy and I loved the walking tour of historic Charleston and the visit to the Magnolia Plantation.  Amazing history is buried here in this part of our country.  Out west we are only a couple hundred years old.  They double that and more here on the east side of our great land.  It is enjoyable to connect to the stories behind the history we learned as a youth.  On the way home we were stopping in a town not too far south from Myrtle Beach where we are staying.  I was needing to make a left turn at the light ahead.  I could see the turn lane (it was dark by now) so I started to veer left into it.  However, I wasn’t past the 6″ cement rail dividing lanes yet.  I was only going about 20-25 mph, but what I did caused a hole in the sidewall of the left front tire which went flat immediately.  Luckily, I was close to a bank so I pulled into their parking lot and changed the tire.

Wouldn’t you know my scripture reading this morning in part was about giving mercy–Matthew 9:13.  Christ was telling the Pharisees to give mercy.  There is a story at this point in my Bible written by Joyce Meyer.  She tells about God awakening her to her need to be merciful.  However, in learning about this she found that she could not be merciful to others until she was able to give herself mercy.  Mercy simply means kindness.  This message was screaming at me after last night.  “Good grief, what is wrong with you.  Why do I ever let you drive?  All you’re good for is making more messes and costing more money.”  These and more were the messages in my head I was fighting last night and into the night.  This morning I asked God to help me learn mercy as He gives it.  If I’m ever to be the merciful friend, I must love my neighbor as myself.  This includes being merciful to my neighbor as I am to me.

I felt God asking me to join Him today being merciful.  For heavens sake, it is a flat tire and that’s all.  I know He wants  me to hear what He is saying and even what I’d say to someone else if I knew this story for them.  Try saying to me what I’d say to my neighbor, “Wow, that’s too bad.”  Kathy even tried to console me a little last night and I about bit her head off.  She wanted to give me a hug to comfort me and I backed away telling her I’m not able to be comforted.  She saw my inner turmoil.  She finally just told me to not let this incident spoil our great day.  I knew she was right and this morning God is joining her in telling me the same.  Mercy is the right starting place.  I’ll accept kindness from myself and others and go forward getting a flat tire fixed today and thank God that’s all that was wrong.

Today is getting started early as Kathy and I are heading to Charleston for the day to tour a plantation and do a walking tour of the historic city.  I look forward to all of this.  After posting yesterday’s blog I spent the next 3 hours talking with Kathy.  As people of our generation it is easy to look back onto our lives and see how society influences how adults parent, what abuse looks like, etc.  The interesting thing is, no matter what society or culture says and does, abuse still leaves huge holes within the makeup of us.  This is shown throughout time.  What I find interesting about abuse and men is that we men are not easily able to talk about it.  Our present culture is so oriented towards “buck up,” suck it up,” etc., we will rarely take time to address the holes in us.  We much more easily address the addictions we use to hide the pain of past abuse.  In so doing we never get to the core of our issues.  Satan has a hay day with this too I believe.  If he can keep us tuned into ourselves instead of to God in these vulnerable areas, we will continue to fail at finding God’s true strength for our lives.  Thus we will never find true freedom in Him.

I am becoming more and more convinced that this message is what God is wanting me to share with our men and our people.  Women want men to be strong.  It takes a mighty strong man to stand up and say, “I need help with this area of past abuse.”  Writing this makes me recall a statement a gentleman in our church made a couple years ago after I had done an interview with our pastor on a Sunday morning around the topic of homosexuality.  I had told of my past abuse and how it had impacted my own thinking about sexuality.  As this gentleman left our sanctuary he said to my brother, “Wow, that man has balls.”  He didn’t know the one he was talking to was my younger brother.  Men do recognize the strength of telling once it is done.  A woman can say it and still be a strong woman.  A man can only say it if he recognizes the truth of what Christ wants him to say.  For Christ wants us to let Him fight this battle.  So much of it is a spiritual battle and not a human flesh one–at least the part of admitting we need help is.  Once we admit our need for help, much of the gap in our wall strengthens for Christ is able to stand in the gap at that point.

I’m not going to try and expound on this any further.  I am a novice at this point.  What I do know is that God is wanting me to be a voice for Him with our men.  “Be strong and take courage….” II Chronicles 32:7.  This has a whole new meaning when I don’t try to stand in my gap of abuse denying its grip on me and finally admitting its truth.  Christ is now the very One I will let fight this battle.  Praise God from Whom all blessings flow.

As I finished the blog entry yesterday, I spent the next hour or so beginning to examine the material I brought with me for “abuse”.  I had already looked through the one regarding homosexuality and I wanted to see how they compare.  I was hoping I’d find some indication for a starting point.  I want to do both of them but I needed to know which one was the right one for now.  Well, that didn’t take long.  Maybe it is because abuse is a weakness for a man and all that ridiculous thinking, but I had thought I’d be starting with homosexuality.  “God needs us to get this topic rolling at church,” I thought.  However, as I began reading through the preface of the material and into the first lesson I could hardly contain the tears that kept wanting to pour forth.  I’ve never read anything that hit home over and over like it was.  The real problem with it was the emotions it was stirring up.  They were all about HURT.  My word, does this never end?  I told Kathy that it was apparent which workbook I personally needed to work through.

This morning as I brought the topic to God asking Him for His guidance I felt Him saying, “The time has come for this next surgery.  The new creation I made you to be is ready now for the root of your identity in hurt to be removed.”  I know why He has waited so long to do this–I needed to be ready, emotionally strong enough.  Boy is this hard to type.  I’ve  been hit and miss with it for the past 28 years–since I started counseling the first time when I was 39.  I think I can best describe how I feel this way—–:  When I’m consulting with anyone in my work field, I’m often thanked for the wisdom and assistance.  As I receive this message I thank God for using me to help.  Within me I know God gave me a mind that can be used for educational purposes to help those needing it.  To take it any deeper, like I’m a smart person who God can use for His Glory, doesn’t happen.  I get really uptight then.  I know the truth of that!  Down deep inside I know I’m no good except for being a receptacle of God’s use.  Inside me is a vacuum of value. Only when God uses me do I have any value.  This morning God awoke me to realize He wants me whole.  A new creation can be a receptacle of His use and still accept a compliment and not be anything but thankful for it.  The compliment doesn’t go into a vacuum to be swept away.  I don’t need to make excuses for it.

I don’t know where this will all go, but I do know I’m now ready for this hospital visit.  The surgery and recovery time I’ll leave to God.  I feel as though God has taken away my defense–my mind.  It is the right thing and I know it is.  I’m strong enough in Him to take this step, but it surely is one leaving me tentative.  Oh well, here we go Father.

What a beautiful morning it is.  In our travels of the country yesterday we discovered some gorgeous farm fields and towns.  Met some truly delightful people who have lived here all their lives and love it.  In their words, if one wants to enjoy their country, come in the spring when the trees are blooming and the shrubs and flowers are coming to life.  I resonate with that.  The fields are being harvested:  cotton, soybeans, peanuts, sorghum, and lots of types of beans like butter beans.  I do love the country and what man does with it.  My word, everything is covered with trees so any field farmed was once a field of trees.  No small task getting fields ready.  Our country removed sagebrush but that would be a piece of cake compared to sawing down trees.

This morning I began reading in Matthew.  The lineage of Christ is told as one begins the chapters.  I was stricken with the reality of man and his selfishness.  How far we remove ourselves from our One True God.  I know we are a selfish being, but to get so far from God is just sad and we do it over and over and over again.  God keeps bringing us back to Him and He does it through His Son Jesus.

I keep feeling like I need to be doing something for God here but He keeps reminding me that coming to Him is what He wants me doing.  For months now I’ve had written “new creation” at the top of my prayer list reminding me that God wants me to remember I’m a new creation.  Well, it seems God is bringing the point home that a new creation in Him rejoices in Him first and foremost.  The need to do something for Him is far more about me and my nature.  He wants me to love and worship Him.  This I want to do well.  What a tremendously great God we have (notice I didn’t say serve).  I’m glad God brought me to this point in time better equipping me to simply love and worship Him.  Serving Him is not always about doing as I often think.  It is far more about loving and worshiping Him.  “I worship You, Almighty God–there is none like You!”

Today I feel rested and ready to explore this new territory.  We spent yesterday staying close to “home”.  Found a great little place to eat lunch–breakfast and got some good ideas for eating other than chain restaurants.  Today we will explore the inland mountain towns.   It will be cooler today than the rest of the week so we are waiting until tomorrow to hit the beach.

As I started this morning with devotions I found myself more rested than I’ve been in quite a while.  I suppose that’s a good thing.  I finished the Old Testament, did my journaling and asked God what I should make of this peacefulness?  It seemed he wanted me to enjoy it–so I am.

I got started reading in the workbook I recently purchased to address a recovery group focusing on homosexuality.  I believe it will be great.  I know I want to go through both it and the one for sexual abuse.  But, I don’t know where I’ll start at this point.  We will wait and see where God opens doors and how our pastors feel once we hit the first of the year and know better who will be co-partnering with me.

Wow, my spirit feels whole today.  There are no longings, just a sense of contentment.  I’m sure this is a good thing, but it is somewhat foreign.  That awakening yesterday morning about reconciling my worth to God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit is likely the root of this, but I’ve also learned not to jump too quickly into less rooted beliefs.  I know in my head They have done this work for each of us, including me.  I’ll just leave it as peace one day at a time.  Satan will try and destroy it I’m sure, but I will be better equipped to surrender the attack rather than fight it on my own.  To God be all Glory!

Well, we made it.  Kathy and I are in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.  We are not relishing in the way we got here, but we are so glad to be on ground and in our place we booked so many months ago.  As we were to leave Boise yesterday morning, one of the plane engines wouldn’t start so the pilot taxied the plane back for maintenance to take a look.  I still don’t know what was wrong but finally, 5 hours later, we were rerouted to fly here through Chicago rather than Houston.  This got us to Charleston, SC at 10:00 pm rather than 4:30 pm.  Thus, all I can tell you is that our place is lovely, there is a beautiful pond and fountain out our view and someplace, there is a Walmart within 5 minutes.  We arrived shortly after midnight to our accommodations so we had no means of seeing anything.  When I registered they wanted to know the color of the car and the license plate #.  I didn’t know any of this.  Turned out the car plates are Mississippi and I still don’t know the color.  It does drive well so that is good!

This morning’s devotions was in Malachi–the last book of The Old Testament.  I found myself being challenged to visit a dark place in my memories.  They were the beatings of childhood from dad.  Malachi was telling the Israelites they needed to obey God and that their punishment was a result of their sins.  Joyce Meyer was saying in one of her responses that we sometimes need to forgive God even though we know He is a Perfect God.  If we are harboring resentment/bitterness from childhood, we need to let it go.  God understands.  I thought I’d done all of this but dad’s beatings came immediately to mind.  As I took these memories to my journaling I found myself needing to tell God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit that the actual beatings I had as a child were not from my sins of disobedience, they were from dad’s pride and anger.  I have no memory of a beating from disobedience.  I said I forgave them for not stepping in even though I know this is part of God’s commitment to man–choice.

The results of this were nothing less than pure mercy and grace and felt like pure kindness.  I sensed The Holy Spirit telling me, “See son, I’ve been with you all along.  Now you know I’m with you and we can be a powerful team.  You don’t need to question your value to US–God, Jesus and Me.  We have cleansed you, redeemed you and made you whole.  I wept.  Isn’t God amazing!  I love Him so.

Today’s journey takes Kathy and me to South Carolina.  It would be nice if I could say there is some dynamic reason for this location, but there isn’t.  It is a place neither of us have gone and we like to explore new places.  It is also housing some of the Appalachian Mountains where the colors should be rich about now.  Next to the colors I want to have a week of Southern cooking.  I don’t want the spiciness of it, but I do love fried chicken and ribs, cobblers, and more!

I’m also taking several materials I want to simply have time to investigate.  These center around the recovery ministries I’d like to see us use this coming year at church.  They are childhood abuse and homosexuality.  These two topics are like deserts in many churches.  People know about them but they don’t know how to respond to someone desiring help overcoming the bondage of them.  I know them well and have hidden the effects of them on my life.  I know God is wanting me to use my experiences as His tools the rest of my life.  So, this time will be good allowing me to walk the path and let God speak.

I’m also working with a couple schools for the remainder of this school year–June of 2018.  I’m taking some materials they are wanting to implement so I can be of good assistance for them.  All in all, this will be a time for God to have His Way with Kathy and me.  We will be driving all over a few states bordering S. Carolina and the three of us will have time just for us.  I treasure this opportunity.  God is so Good!

Yesterday I blogged about the spiritual emphasis I’m experiencing presently on my journey of life.  Last night I awoke about 2:55 am filled with fear and despair.  These aren’t new feelings for me.  Typically I steel them away trying to discredit any reason for them.  I told God I was wanting to surrender them to Him but wasn’t sure if there was something from them I was to know?  There didn’t seem to be substance to them, just that sense of great fear–but about what??  I was eventually able to go back to sleep.

This morning as I’ve had my devotional time I asked God if he had something He wanted me to know from this experience?  He took me back to the training I went to in Albany, OR for the Mid-Valley Fellowship–the same man who came to our church almost two weeks ago for our Hope for Hurting People conference.  In his training he used a PowerPoint which emphasized entry points that evil spirits have in our mind.  When one has abuse in their past, there are gaps in our boundaries which allow temptations to come, false beliefs to be established, etc.  These are what he called doors for evil entry.  I had thought at the time this was a good demonstration for I know these entries well.  These entries are real for any man.  They are the holes in the boundaries we have or need to have.  As I was asking God this morning for clarity He pointed out that fear and despair are entry points for evil.  If we allow fear to dominate our life we don’t take steps into what the fear is caused from.  We tend to flee from it, isolate from it or simply stay frozen in place and not participate.  Boy do I know these responses well!

As I’ve been wanting to enter more fully into ministries of recovery I’ve been told to prepare for attacks.  This is exactly what last night was all about.  When I surrender the fear the Holy Spirit closes the door (or entry point) to the evil spirit.  If I don’t surrender it, the evil spirit will paralyze me as it has done so much of my life.  God was showing me how the same is true with temptations for pleasure that leads to sin hit.  If I surrender it (call or report my temptations to accountability) The Holy Spirit can close the door or opening for the evil spirit.

One more thing I was made aware of this morning was what happens once The Holy Spirit closes the door to evil.  If evil were to enter and plant the seed of whatever sin, it roots quickly and I (we) sin.  However, if we surrender and the entry is closed, the seeds God is planting are able to grow without the weeds of sin choking them out.  God showed me this morning how He has been planting these seeds.  This looks like our Celebrate Recovery ministry and all the lives which have been changed due to His seeds being planted in this fertile soil.  He said there is much more to plant if we (I) are/am willing to keep surrendering.  So, I am on the surrender track.  For so long I was scared and feared God’s purposes for me thinking my past would stop it in their tracks.  Now God is saying that my past is what He wants to use in this fertile ground.  Wow, He is SO AMAZING!

Today I started in the book of Zachariah which is the next to the last book of the Old Testament.  He was a major player in the Jews rebuilding the temple when they had returned to Israel after their 70 years of captivity.  I’m not sure, but Zachariah seems to address more clearly the work of God’s angels and spirits in how they talk to him and inspire him to do God’s bidding for him.  I know I’ve been on a trek for some time now to better know, sense and be open to God’s Holy Spirit within me.  I know I have glimpses of this in the morning devotional time, but as I step into the activities of the day, I lose this connection.  I’m in the flesh.

The spirit world is just as real as our human one.  They coincide completely but we are so unaware of this or at least I am much of the time.  It is always after something takes place that I awaken to the reality that–I’ll bet God’s Holy Spirit had a huge part in what I just saw or experienced.  I don’t know if I can be more aware all the time, but I sure want to be open to growing in realm.  A big driver for me is that temptation is fought by The Holy Spirit.  I know fully that I cannot win over temptation if I’m fighting it alone.  Surrender is the key.  Calling on accountability is critical here for confession of need for help is big in surrender.  I’m certainly better than I use to be a short while back, but I’m not good at this yet.  More than this however, I want to live by God’s Holy Spirit within me.  I would love to be more like Jesus which is exactly what The Holy Spirit is to help us with.  Galatians 2:20 says:  “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.”   I truly want to die to this human self so the Spirit of God can be as live as possible within me.  To God be all Glory!

This morning God knew I needed some extra time with Him.  He had some things He needed to square away with me.  I think I’ve mentioned my weekly meeting with one of our pastors.  We are working our way through a book by Timothy Keller–Jesus The King.  The book is written from the Biblical book of Mark.  Today’s chapter that we will meet about is the third one entitled:  The Healing.  It is primarily centered around Mark 2:1-5.  In it the paralytic is lowered to Jesus through the roof where Jesus is preaching to the multitude of followers.  The striking message from Jesus is that He tells the paralytic that his sins are forgiven and then He heals him physically freeing him to walk.  The chapter goes deeply into the relevance to us (me).  What is the healing I always wanted and what is it that Jesus wanted?

As I was reading the chapter I found myself realizing (and I’ve said this before) how much I’ve longed for the removal of the shame and guilt of sin done to me.  Over time this has been taking place.  Along with this, I’ve realized how important it was for me to fully become aware of my own sin and what I fled to when I was deep in shame/emotional pain.  I would want to flee to Christ, but I would initially flee to other gods–porn or self-gratification.  Christ has all along wanted to replace these gods with Himself.  My lifetime plea had been to be healed of something that would address the surface problem, but Christ longed to replace the deeper one–the one blocking me from truly embracing Him.  The new creation He had made me to be is being guided into only looking to Him as my One and Only Savior.  How long I’ve known to do this in my head but how long it has taken me to live this out one day at a time and one moment at a time–trusting and obeying.

I’ve always seen myself different from other men.  Christ is showing me that I may be different but that isn’t meaning less than other men.  “All have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23.  I am part of the all, not less than the all.  The sin done to me and the sin of me has all been forgiven by the same act of Christ’s obedience to His Own Father–God Almighty.  How much I love Him for this and for His patience helping me know fundamentally that this is done for me too.   Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow!