In this morning’s Bible reading I finished the last 3 chapters of II Samuel.  It is incredible and disheartening at the same time to realize how self-centered man is .  God brought the Israelites out of Egypt to give them their own Promised Land.  Yet, who did they see–Moses.  All through the judges following Moses and Joshua the people continued to see the man–the judge.  As God finally told Samuel it was OK to appoint a king for them, God said the people hadn’t abandoned Samuel, they had abandoned Him as their King.  Today in wrapping up David’s leadership for Israel, the chapters tell over and over how God used David and his mighty men to conquer Israel’s enemies.  Yet, who did the people see–David and the men.  Are we different today?  Not at all.  The nature of man is man.  The spirit of man is God but we still want to make it man.

I’ve been in leadership most of my life in one form or another.  I never allowed myself to move too high in rank because I would be too visible and people might learn of my past and then I’d be shunned and shut out.  I am fully awake to the “man thinking” of this now.  In all our leadership, great or small, God wants us to give Him the credit by pointing people to Him.  Whether it is secular or ministry leadership, it is not difficult to direct purposeful leadership to Godly ways helping people to see that in following God’s ways we are empowered by His Spirit.

More and more I’m realizing that God’s Light which is seen when we give Him the “charge” of our work, will illuminate people to Him.  Before Celebrate Recovery and my counseling the Light shed shone only on my past to me.  When that happened I allowed the voices of my past to take charge of how I responded to God.  I would only do as much as I felt safe doing–even as a leader I did this.  However, as I awakened to just how much God wanted to take all I feared and turn it into His Kingdom Work, I have been able to surrender more completely.  I’m sure I have a long way to go yet, but I know now that letting God’s Light shine through me is one thing, helping the listener find safety in having that same Light focus on God’s desire to help them deal with their “hurts, hang-ups and habits” is yet another.  God’s Light does illuminate our past but in so doing He has a plan already in place to replace the past with purpose and overcoming.  Praise His Holy Name!

Today’s devotions in all arenas has been about praising God in the midst of any and all storms.  Surrendering to Him always so His strength can become yours.  Examples of Paul saying he was glad when he was weak for then God can be strong and David proclaiming that in all his weakness God’s strength was seen.  These are excellent examples of who God wants us to be–God wants me to be.

Because of Mother’s Day being so close to Father’s Day and having had many years of enjoying those days with my kids and grandkids makes my heart ache when they come.  The present state of my own kids’ relationship with one another makes these days lonely.  Yet, what does God say to do in times like these?  “Praise Him.”  He says to believe, to trust, to have faith.  I needed these reminders this morning.

As I had journaled earlier this morning I asked God what He wanted me to know from Him today?  His message was precise and simple:  “Be still and know that I am God.”  He has been telling me this the past few days and reminding me that these issues are His garden plots.  He is working the soil so they can be fruitful.  My role needs to be still and know that God is at work.  My role is also to believe, trust and have faith in the very One who took my garden plot (me) and turned it from a mess of weeds to a fruitful garden He uses to feed hungry, hurting souls lost in their own hurts, hang-ups and habits.

God is truly faithful.  I needed this reminder today.  Thank you Father.

God is so faithful!  Yesterday as our quartet was singing and I was getting close to the time for sharing, I found myself far more in touch with the group’s response to the messages of the songs.  I had not seen this to the extent I did yesterday.  I found myself noticing individuals and connecting with them as the hour was progressing.  When I told our story of my recovery the same battle of trying to talk without breaking down was present.  I had to pause and regroup and then continue.  All this time I remained connected.  It seems so odd trying now to articulate this time in words.  It was no longer hard to tell because of fear of judgement, but hard to tell because it is a story of hurt and shame that I know very well.  The glorious freedom God gives us is the finale replacing what had been the fear of judgement with a genuine passion to share so that others can know this freedom too.

Afterwards, there were so many that wanted to talk.  I didn’t have to regroup like I’ve always needed to do before, stepping out of fear into listening and sharing.  I found myself relating without the anxiousness.  I now know what God has been wanting me to find in Him and trusting in Him during these times of doing His Kingdom work.  Yes, when I got home and had a moment to relax, I was exhausted.  I needed a nap!  This was a good thing and not an escape–for the first time.

Today is a new day and there is work to be done.  But, I needed to reflect and thank God before I begin today’s assignments.  To God be all glory!

Today is the first day I will give my testimony having made a covenant with God that I will give it only in trust and confidence that …”He who has begun a good work in me will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ”  Philippians 1:6.  I no longer will let fear/anxiety dominate my mind causing me to only do a partial job of what God wants done freely and fully for Him.  I actually look forward to experiencing this first time of freedom.

In our class last night for 7-Pillars one of the men was talking about our brain’s makeup.  The limbic portion of the brain is our response portion–fight or flight.  It is the most primitive part.  Our frontal lobe where creative thinking and work comes from is overruled by the limbic when fear and anxiety enter our personal picture.  He was saying all of this because his fears lead him into his acting out–his flight mechanism.  He wants to address this and change this pattern of behavior.

Last fall when I was doing the Conquer class I heard the speaker tell that The Holy Spirit resides in our limbic portion of our brain.  It is the throne of Grace where He resides within us.  This sounded so “stupid” when I first heard it.  However, when I began to pray about it and listen to God’s wisdom I began to understand why this is so important and true.  The Holy Spirit, when I finally awoke to Him, wants to be our response to any feeling we have.  Fear and anxiety have dominated me all my life and I know the flight syndrome well.  However, now the Holy Spirit is replacing the anxiety with purpose and desire to serve God, not running or hiding from it.  It has taken me my whole life to learn this about God, Jesus and their Gift–The Holy Spirit.  It makes being a good and faithful servant, far more meaningful and doable when The Holy Spirit is fully in charge of our daily living and responses.  I’m grateful to be at this new point in my journey with God my Father.  Praise the Lord.

There is so much about a journey that I am learning.  One–it never ends until life has ended.  In other words, I will never arrive.  There is always more.  My whole life had been spent needing to arrive at being whole.  I thought if God would take away the past I had, remove the temptations I was left with along with the hatred of them, I would be whole and I would have arrived.  Well–God has done so much more than removed them.  He has shown me He wants me using them to help others with their own.  He framed the temptations with understanding.  I am a man on this earth.  As long as I’m alive I will live with temptations.  We all have them even though they are not all the same.  What we do with them is what is key.

In my devotions yesterday God was showing me that the voices of those around me would be screaming.  I would need to be still and know that He is God, rely on Him and not the messages of the the voices.  By noontime yesterday I have heard many of the screaming messages.  I had a couple of my own troubling me.  By last night I was weary and then the last message came.  I wanted to do as I had always done in the past–self medicate.  I finally went to bed and slept somewhat.  When I would awake I would thank God for these issues and what He was going to do with them.

This morning God has made all things clear.  What I needed to let go I have, what I needed a plan to address I now have, and what I do today is now ready to be done.  God is good.  If I am learning anything on this journey it is that staying on it with obedience to God’s nudges is sometimes tough.

One of the calls yesterday was from a young man who was ready to quit.  He’s so tired of “not winning” the battles he’s facing.  I so know this struggle and the desire to quit.  The one good thing is he reached out.  That is something I didn’t know to do at his age and certainly had no one to trust with my story at that time.  But, God is using the steps I’ve learned to guide others for their own steps.  For this I am most grateful.  It inspires me to stay on this journey.  To God be all Glory!

Last night I had the conversation with the guys in our quartet about God awakening me to His intent as we sing and as I give my testimony.  I knew they would be receptive but what I didn’t know was how receptive.  The fears I’ve had are such lies.  Their words were:  “Your testimony gives our singing new purpose.”  “This gives us focus as we sing.”  God sure has a way of making His intent clear and meaningful.

In my “Experiencing God” workbook I am going through the unit where we learn how to know God is speaking.  This is very clear as I see what He is doing with our quartet.  Secondly, God seems to be showing me what He is wanting me to do with an area of our church that one of our pastors has been talking to me about.  We have a luncheon meeting with a few people tomorrow to address this.  I am waiting for the clarity to be confirmed.   It is fun and energizing knowing God is at work and I get the chance to be involved in it.

As I was having my devotions this morning I journaled several areas of concern facing Kathy and me.  Some of them are family and some are connected to people in ministry areas where we involve ourselves.  In times past we jump into these to give assistance as we see them.  God was checking me this morning about our past behavior.  I know now He is wanting us to be sure what we do is completing His purposes and not just the purpose of man.  Addressing needs is important but what is most important is addressing needs in a manner that completes God’s intent.  This is what I want to be doing from this point forward.

Today’s devotions reinforces once again the message–if I don’t believe in myself I cannot fully believe in God.  I have to believe in both Him and me in order for me to be as useful for Him as He wants.  Of course I’ve always believed in God and in God using me, it was just that I couldn’t be too effective because I was damaged.  As I write this I see the ugly flaws in this thinking and believing.  If I believe I’m still flawed then I don’t believe that Christ is able to complete His purpose on the Cross.  God is only as big as my belief is and I’m ready for God to be Magnificent and Almighty.

There is a family issue that kept me awake from 3-4:30 in the early morning today.  I wasn’t going to be drug down by it.  At least that is what Satan was wanting to do with it.  I kept thanking God for what He is going to do because of it knowing He uses all things to His honor and glory.  I do believe this.  And, in the meantime, I will keep my eyes focused on what I can do to assist as He shows me.

Our quartet is practicing tonight for the forthcoming Wednesday program.  I will be giving my testimony again but this time I am going to be doing so fully awake and thankful to God.  I want to talk to the guys tonight about this too.  God is using/wanting to use these ministries to fulfill His purposes and I sure don’t want to cripple His work in any way.  To God be all Glory.

When Kathy and I came to Wallowa, OR a couple days ago I brought all my devotional materials forgetting that my journal was almost filled.  Yesterday I completed the last blank page.  Today I had thought I’d figure out someway to write my entry.  However, today as I finished my scripture reading I felt nudged to go into the Experiencing God  study I’m doing with Pastor Ryan at church.  I was a day behind so I thought that was the reason for my nudge.  Little did I know how God wanted the study’s relevancy to be known today.  The topic is God answering prayer through circumstances.  I’ve already said how God used last Sunday’s experience to awaken me to not giving my testimony in fear.  What I hadn’t said was that the fear also included promoting my book if someone present would want to buy one.  I had Kathy bring a few copies in case that happened.  However, when I gave my talk I didn’t even mention I’d brought books for fear someone would think I’m only giving my testimony to sell books.

This morning as I was doing my Experiencing God assignments I found myself being fully challenged to not only let my fears go but to then see God’s purpose for writing my book, giving my testimony, our quartet singing and using my testimony as a support of God’s work through the quartet and more.  I’ve been so crippled in holding back rather than simply letting go and letting what God wants to happen–happen.  Little had I seen how selfish my actions were and controlling they were.  This morning in seeing this I was able to confess these actions as prideful and sinful and that I now want to be fully obedient to God’s purposes and let His miracles of changed lives happen even if it does include using what He has done in my life.

Kathy and I did come to Wallowa, OR yesterday afternoon and so I’ve just finished my devotions in the solitude of my sis-in-law’s home surrounded by meadows, deer and mountains capped with snow.  It is a beautiful place.  As I was reading my Bible this morning two things hit me which God has confirmed He wanted me to know from Him today.  I’m in I Samuel and King Saul is in hot pursuit of David.  Samuel has already proclaimed that David is/will be king and Saul will disappear from the picture due to his disobedience.  The reference is made to Abraham and his willingness to sacrifice his son Isaac when God told him to do so.  In Abraham’s obedience God provided an alternate sacrifice–because of his obedience.  My first hit this morning was that God wants my obedience simply because He’s my God–not making it easy knowing the outcome.

The second hit was about Him and me.  As I was journaling all of this and thanking Him for directing me to journal directly to Him last July which has built a much more intimate relationship between us, He showed me how He’d sacrificed His own Son Jesus as my alternate sacrifice so I can live forever with Him.  He does want my obedience and I want to give it.

After arriving in Oregon last evening I was called by my friend who coordinates our quartet performances.  We are singing for a church next Wednesday in Boise.  I knew that.  I am to give my testimony again to this new group of people as I did with the group last Sunday afternoon.  This time I know I am to do it in complete obedience leaving the paralyzing fear out of the picture and being fully awake to everyone in the room.  I’ve sung for God literally thousands of time in my lifetime, but this will be the first one where I consciously approach the throne taking God’s story of His work in my life and share it with the audience.  I commit to staying fully awake to the story and to the audience I’m sharing it with.  This has been God’s direction and will be my next step of obedience.  The human feelings I have right now I’m calling nervous rather than anxious.  I can handle nervous but anxiety has controlled me in times past.  I know to let God be in control.  To God be all glory!

I don’t often stand before our Celebrate Recovery group and take a chip for something I’m addressing to overcome in my life.  However, last night I did it.  I took the day one chip for facing the fears which have crippled me all my life.  I told the group from this day forward I will not only be present in work, I will be present in spirit.  I want to be fully awake to what God wants me to see and hear as I am doing His business.  I want to see the person hurting as I’ve always hurt.  I don’t want to be so self-absorbed that I miss these God moments.  Somehow it has always been good enough to simply be present even though the voices of “not good enough” dominated what was going through my mind.  These voices were certainly not from God’s Holy Spirit.  I thank God for opening my eyes to see that I don’t need to listen and believe these voices ever again.  What a humbling and strengthening message this is.

Today, when I finish working with a neighboring school district, Kathy and I will leave for Oregon to spend a couple days with her sister.  I had said I’d help her with some yard work. I had also forgotten my commitment until Kathy reminded me a couple days ago.  Of course there are many things which are needing finished here, but I know it is good to get away and clear the mind.  So, I’ll simply enjoy this chance and tackle what’s here to do when we return Saturday evening.  To God be all glory!