Today had a huge, yet simple message in it for me as I began my devotions.  First of all, yesterday I mentioned the conversation I was to have.  It was to take place at 12:30 pm.  They didn’t call so I called them only to have no answer. So, I left the message to return the call.  It didn’t happen.  I went early to the class last night hoping he would come early too.  He did.  As he walked in he said he’d not been able to call as he dropped his phone in their pool and it had died.  I then approached the subject needing addressed.  All went well and the outcome was just as God would want it.  I tell all of this because from 12:30 until 6:15 pm I was very prone to become fearful and anxious about this.  I knew I needed to trust God and the outcome was just as God wanted it along with another lesson for me–“don’t jump to conclusions when the details you created don’t come together.  Leave the detail completion to Me.”

Another lesson started in the class last night with 7-Pillars.  The topic of the lesson was Loving, Accepting, Forgiving.  It was entirely built on loving, accepting and forgiving who I am.  Only when we can do this are we able to be free to move forward fully in Christ’s work in our lives.  The scripture, Matthew 22:37-39 says “…we are to love our neighbor as ourselves.”  If I don’t love myself I will never fully accept or forgive myself.  The assignments in the lesson were very revealing.  I’ve been on the path of recovery long enough to know I need to do this more fully than I have.  The gifts of character given to me were not at all what my dad wanted me to have and I got plenty of abuse because of this.  However, God gave them to me on purpose and I needed to accept myself as complete in Christ and forgive myself for hating what I thought I needed to be.

In my scripture reading this morning I’m reading I Samuel 15 & 16. In it God has Samuel give specific instructions to King Saul.  Saul does following through partially with these instructions but only partially.  It becomes very clear that God is never OK with partial.  Obedience is completing God’s assignment fully.  As I read this today I began to awaken to a reality God wants me to now be fully awakened to.  A couple days ago I wrote about the lady in tears when I gave my testimony on Sunday.  I hadn’t see her in the crowd.  My words were, “When I’m speaking and very fearful, my eyes are open but all I see are the words I’m reading.  The ones in the audience I only see as ones being there.  I don’t see the individuals.”  I have done this all my life when I give talks to an audience.  The fear grips me.

As I was reading this about Saul this morning God made it clear that He no longer wants me hanging onto fear when I am delivering His message of His work in my life.  Fear blinds what He wants me seeing among those present.  Fear is an analgesic killing the pain I once knew from the abusive past but it also has its side effects which keep me blinded and disconnected to my environment.  The lady crying obviously identified with the message.  She did not come to talk to me.  I knew when I heard that she was there and crying I needed to go to her but it was too late.  I have been in situations just like this so many times when I needed someone to come to me when I was overcome with my past abuse but couldn’t bring myself to talk about it.  God wants me completing His assignment of not only telling my story, but following it up with those who need direction and encouragement.  I must say that realizing this has been very freeing.  I have always been driven to help the underdog.  Now realizing that my own fear has been restricting God’s Kingdom Work from happening more fully, I’ll be stronger for the right reason.

Tonight is chip night for our Celebrate Recovery.  I am going to take a day one chip for addressing this habit of allowing fear to dominate my actions.  Now that I’m awake to this I never want this to happen again.  A dear friend 10 years ago this month asked me when I would stop allowing fear to control who I am?  I couldn’t comprehend what he meant by that statement at the time.  Now, 10 years later, I fully understand what he meant.  I’m gong to call him today and tell him his insight is now seen and being addressed.

II Corinthians   5:9 says in part: “…we are constantly ambitious and strive earnestly to be pleasing to Him.”  I never want to allow fear to cripple what this “pleasing” looks like from this day forward.  I only want my obedience to be complete in fulfilling what God wants done as I join Him more fully than ever before.

Yesterday I was finishing getting our pool ready for the grandkids.  In so doing I got the circulation pump running so I could vacuum the floor of the pool.  The circulation is only working at about 50% capacity so the vacuum wouldn’t do its job.  These types of thing make me want to hide and run.  I’ve never been good with mechanical things and here is a major one with grandkids waiting!

Today I awoke early and started my devotions.  The sense of doom was clouding the day as it has been for several days.  I know that today is the day I will have the critical conversation needing to take place.  I was attributing the sense to it.  As I did the lessons for Experiencing God and 7-Pillars following my devotions I knew a lot more about the sense of doom.  7-Pillars lesson was all about how I see myself, confessing it and asking God to forgive me for not seeing the strength in me He’s given.  Secondly, Experiencing God’s lesson was about trusting what God shows me to do and obeying it.  I was allowing Satan to take the struggles of yesterday’s pool issues and my lack of skills to beat myself up for not being the learned man that would make my dad proud.  God wanted me to see the skills I have as His gift.  I can ask others to help me with the skills I lack, but He wants me to use the skills He gave me to address what He shows me to do with them.  The doom lifted and I see myself as God’s creation again.  Boy, isn’t living one day at a time a problem when we isolate ourselves and believe the lies in our minds? This is a habit I need to address often.

Today I will do what God has asked me to do and I will do it with the assurance that He gives the words and wisdom at the right time as well as the strength to complete the task.  Along with this, the problems I can’t fix I will ask for help from those with the skills and not beat myself up for my lack thereof.  We need each other to complete one another.  God is doing a good job as always awakening me to Him and others.

So much for TJC–yesterday I wrote THC.  I’ll not bother with this trivia.  The title has always been and will continue to be–The Journey Continues.

Yesterday I wrote the things I’d be doing.  They were completed as far as doing them is concerned.  It was interesting to see that the step study had two new guys come for day one.  The newcomers luncheon where I was to speak had no one come.  Our quartet singing for the group in Meridian had a crowd and several came to talk with me afterwards.  All of the ones talking to me knew of situations of abuse but none of them talked of their own.  One of the guys in the quartet asked me if I saw the gal in the back who was crying the whole time I talked?  I told him that even though my eyes are open while I speak I don’t see anyone actually.  I’m so focused on the message and delivering it without breaking down myself, I don’t see the people.

This morning following my scripture reading I was journaling to God about yesterday.  I felt like all this effort went into the events of yesterday and so few came.  I asked if I was missing something or if I am doing something wrong?  God was quick to respond referencing me to Matthew 18:12-13.  It is there where Christ is telling the disciples about the 100 sheep with one being lost.  The shepherd leaves the flock to go find the lost one.  God told me I should rejoice with Him over the one-s who come rather than the crowd that shows.  This really strikes me.  I measure “worthwhile” too often by sheer numbers.  God measures worthwhile by changed lives for Him.  I truly want to remember this awakening today as I move forward.

Today is Sunday and it is a day of sharing God’s love, grace and mercy.  Today we start a new step study for men who are struggling with hurts, hang-ups and habits.  I co-lead it with a new leader to our Celebrate Recovery ministry.  After this is done I’m staying at church to share about Celebrate Recovery with the newcomers who will be attending a luncheon acquainting them with our churches’ ministries.  Following this our quartet is singing for a group in Eagle/Meridian area where I will be sharing my story and book.  All this has me filled with fear/nervousness.  Yet, I know why I’m doing all of this so I do it with humility and honor thanking God for His love, grace and mercy to me.  I pray that the one/s who need to hear this will find the strength to take their own step towards freedom that they fear didn’t know existed for them.

I Samuel 3:13 tells about a man of God who came to Eli the prophet and denounced him and his two sons.  Eli’s sons were abusing their positions.  Eli knew this and didn’t restrain them.  God was announcing their eventual doom.  When I read this I knew God’s nudge regarding a talk I’m having next week with a new leader who is leading but not leading with love, grace and mercy.  I will be obedient and talk with him.  I pray God will be the One seen in the message so it is not interpreted as a man with man battle.  I know I need to pass the clarity of the message to him and I want to model God’s clarity in the same love, grace and mercy he needs to also show in his own leading.  God’s commands are not always easy but they are supported by Him when we are obedient.  I do want to be a good and faithful servant.

Yesterday’s foreboding slipped away as the day continued.  A tough conversation I need to have with an adult leader is set for next Tuesday.  He called me yesterday morning most unexpectedly.  He said he was returning the two calls I’d made to him.  I hadn’t made any calls to him and my phone didn’t register that I had.  I was questioning whether God wanted me to talk with him at this unexpected time.  I simply said the calls were a mystery and we’d talk next week.  Today I’m convinced that Satan is trying to manipulate God’s timing.

God is driving home for me the critical importance of relationships starting with His and mine.  I’ve always had a natural sense of family and relationship innate in me.  However, my past abuse taught me to not trust the emotions tied to them and to dismiss them when I have them.  I have learned this lack of trust is a character defect resulting from childhood.  God is helping me restore them and replace the defect.  I was rather touched yesterday when my own daughter called me to say she hopes our own family can be as strong as she sees mine is with my siblings.  The love and care she saw all of us giving Bonnie during her recent loss is awakening in her this importance.  This would be such an answer to prayer.  I love seeing God work and being part of it as He shows me my part.  Praise be to God my Father.

This morning as I completed my devotions I had this foreboding sense.  I could not dispel it no matter what I journaled with God or read in devotions or in scripture.  One of the guys called me with accountability.  He was doing well and asked how I was doing.  I told him about this sense.  His words were interesting–“Don’t worry about that.  You and God seem to have a way of working them out.”  I thought it was nice to know that someone else thought that even though I didn’t at the moment.

I went into my lesson I’m working through in the Experiencing God handbook.  Wouldn’t you know it was about  how God speaks to us.  It describes well that my relationship with God is utmost.  In the relationship God teaches me to trust His voice and to act on what His message is.  When the message is not clear, wait.  It is wrong to simply act and hope it is what God wants me to do.  I deeply appreciated God making this clear.  With this the sense of forebode left.

The other thing that has hit me this morning has been from Wednesday night’s Celebrate Recovery lesson.  It ended with the person being quoted saying: “I’ve learned to grieve appropriately.”  This was connected to grieving without running to our addiction and handling our past appropriately.  All of this is rooted in the step we take making amends for wrongs of our past.  My brother Rich and my dad both died long before I had the help of Celebrate Recovery and my last years of therapy/counseling.  At the time of their passing my only grief was the burden I was left with.  Now that the burden is replaced I wish I could tell them what God is doing with “our story”.  I wish I could hug them and let them know I truly have forgiven them.  I know they are aware and someday we will talk face to face.  For that, I am very grateful.  God is always so good.

My journey of late seems to have many loose ends which are not being finalized.  I tend to be somewhat of a tidy person.  I like to stay with something until it is done and my system doesn’t find rest until it is finished.  So, all these things being left unfinished haunt me.  This morning I took all of them to God and asked why this is so?  He reminded me once again Who is in control.  If I am to be a servant of the Almighty, I cannot have things my way.  Letting go of my needs allowing God to work these situations through to His perfection is what I’d truly want anyway.  I did need to refocus.

God is so faithful in the little things of life and the big ones.  I call the big ones those which affect the personal walk of someone with God.  The little ones are simply projects I have going but don’t impact people–just the project and me.  That phrase from The Serenity Prayer:  “living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace” resonates during a time like today.  I’ll keep my lens focused on God and today and will enjoy the moments of the day.  Any hardships are being chiseled out developing a pathway of peace to God The Almighty.

How I love Him.

Yesterday’s admission/confession was painful and yet healing.  How many times does one have to go through this process to finally be free?  Is it something like 70×7?  This seems to be the number of times I have to forgive myself for being who I am.  Along with talking to the men last night in our 7-Pillars class, part of the assignment was to identify the masks we hide behind.  My most powerful mask has been “I’m OK”.  As all of last night did unfold I found that in spite of my need to tell all of this: gay thoughts, fears of being like my brother or dad, and more, I was still OK without the mask.  The shame I thought would overwhelm me was not present and instead, I was OK with no mask.  I know God wanted me to find this out.  Had I kept it hidden behind the mask I would still be tormented with the fears which have kept me paralyzed so much of my life.  God is so faithful and good–especially when we take the steps He outlines for us to take.  It was interesting to hear the other men tell their vulnerability and not hide behind their own mask/s.

Today is a new day.  I still feel raw from yesterday but I’m not needing to withdraw.  These feelings are hard for me to simply live with.  I’ve always steeled myself from them rather than allowing them to be felt and allowed in my present state.  The defect of hiding and stuffing must not return.  I’ll need to see how this all plays out during the day.  God is good–ALL THE TIME!

Yesterday I said God wanted me to know Him and trust Him.  He is putting this to the test.  I had done my lessons for tonight’s 7-Pillars class yesterday morning.  In it you tell how well your week went and if temptations came and how they were handled, etc.  I did all of that dismissing many thoughts I’d stuffed.  Yesterday I was troubled with temptations of a gay nature.  These are always haunting for me and I usually try to deal with them by getting busy and stuffing them and saying several panicked prayers.

I awoke a little before 2:00 am this morning unable to sleep and all of this was on my mind.  I got up and read through some very relevant materials in the book which accompanies the 7-Pillars curriculum.  So much of the struggle I have is that the gay thoughts make me think I am less of a man than others.  It makes me think I’m an abuser like my brother.  It goes to the core of what I believe a man is or should be.  I know this is also driven by my earthly father’s behaviors and actions towards me.  I have to bring this out in the open with the guys in our group tonight.  I have to know that men are ok with me being who I am.  The biggest thing is I have to be ok with who I am.  God led me this morning to think He is fine with me as He wants to use me to help others with similar struggles.  I want that too but I despise it and would change it in a heartbeat if possible.

I know God is wanting me to work through this character defect and not run from it this time.  I’m facing this giant and doing so with Jesus Christ.  I didn’t want this new creation that I am to have temptations like this, but, since I do I want to face them knowing Christ died for them too.  I’m not done processing this but I am convinced I have to face it this time.  To God be all Glory!

God is so amazing and consistently so.  This morning while having my devotions I was journaling that I am not good at discerning man.  I tend to take man at face value and then I’m shocked when man doesn’t do what he said he would or he does what he says and then does something inconsistent with it.  God’s response to this was simple.  “I am not interested in you discerning man, I want you discerning Me.”  In my Experiencing God manual yesterday I did the assignment:  God Invites You to Join Him.  In it you come to realize that God invites you to have an intimate relationship with Him.  In this relationship He will show you His Ways.  This morning I awoke to the realization that this is exactly what God wants with me–an intimate relationship.  I want that too and I know He and I are working on this.  In this I realize I will be better able to discern God’s leadership in my life and how He wants me connected to His work.  This is exciting and confirming.  I don’t need to discern man.  I need to know that I am connecting with God’s plan for me through our relationship one with another.  What I do for man will be done through what God shows me rather than discerning myself what man might want/need.

It was 10 months ago that God told me He wanted me journaling to Him and not to His Son Jesus.  He also told me a couple days later that He gave Jesus to us not to replace Him but to lead me to Him.  In these 10 months I’ve begun to trust and believe in God my Father as I’ve never been able to before.  I humbly thank Him for His persistence with me and building a relationship with me that is intimate.  I have begun to know that even in my older years I can be made new.  Praise be to God my Father.