Today is the Lord’s day–Rejoice and be glad in it!  The pool is ready for use so anyone who reads this and knows where we live, come on over (as soon as church is over that is).

My wife, while shopping yesterday with her sister, ran into a lady we knew several years ago.  This lady was a child we adored.  She had some grueling experiences during her teen years and had many struggles.  She is now doing well but told my wife she is haunted by her past.  Kathy told her about my book and how it tells of my haunting past–that I had written the book to help others find freedom from their past.  This particular lady is a Facebook friend so I’ve contacted her through Messenger to see if I can get a book to her since she lives locally.  Pray for her.  I know much of her story because she and her parents were good friends for many years.  I’d love to see her find freedom that only God can give.

One of the things I keep being reminded of when I encounter someone with a tragic past is the depth of hurt and often shame the person is holding.  So many of us think that if anyone knows our past we would have no friends and in my case, I’d have no job.  I lived in the denial of my own past for way too long.  I guess I didn’t realize I am not alone in the denial stage of the damage a past leaves with us.  I know that is why the first step in Celebrate Recovery, as well as many recovery program, is coming out of denial recognizing the truth that we are helpless to overcome on our own.  I wish there were someway to ease this issue in helping people take that first risky step.  I know that relationships with people are the best tool we have next to God’s Holy Spirit working in the life of the person needing help.  I write this and am instantly reminded that just a few days ago I was blogging about relationships and intimacy.  Healthy relationships create healthy intimacy.  I sense from God that He is wanting me to live the rest of my life helping in this area.  I want to reach out to those who hurt and deeply desire freedom from it.

So, the pool is filling, the circulation pump I had from the previous pool (which I had replaced) is going to work and, I believe, all is well.  Of course, I have to wait to plug the pump in until the pool is full.  That will happen later today.  It takes most of two days to get it filled.  I always have that sense of dread there’s something I overlooked, but I’ll soon know.  My grandson and I went to the movies yesterday afternoon which was a treat.  He’s now back home playing video games which he loves.

Today seems to be a day of rest even though it is a day before Sunday.  I don’t have much on the plate except some watering of garden and getting some things ready for an upcoming Celebrate Recovery event.  My wife and her sister will be shopping all day and I will have the day much to myself.  I’m actually glad there are days like this on the journey of life.  My anxious side wants me to come up with things to do that would seem important, but somehow I’m beginning to know that a day like today is one to cherish as a relaxing day and be OK with that.  So, off we go.  God be with you and your day too.

It is a good thing God halted me in my tracks for several days and gave me direct instruction in intimacy.  Yesterday was its first test.  Last winter the swimming pool collapsed we had built into the decking of our home.  I still have no idea what caused that to happen.  However, it was 18 years old so I figured it died of old age.  It was a 24′ round, vinyl one.  So, I had ordered a replacement and my 12 year old grandson was helping me install the new one yesterday.  Those who know me well know I am not an engineer, mechanic or carpenter.  I am good at the conceptual side of engineering, seeing what can be, but making it real in life is always the test.  So, making this new pool real in life is the test.  My poor grandson told me he had never worked so hard and wasn’t sure having a pool for the summer was worth it as we were in the middle of the installation.  Trying to install a pool within a deck that fits right up to the deck and under its lip was the complicating piece.  Every muscle in my body aches this morning even as I am typing this.  Are you wondering what this has to do with intimacy?

My grandson helping me yesterday is a loving, very physical boy.  He hugs, kisses and freely wants to be next to you.  I’ve always thought of him as God’s gift to me showing me what intimacy looks like in human, physical form without the perversions I’ve dealt with my whole life.  At the end of yesterday he thanked me and hugged me for letting him help even though he was most grateful to have it out of the way.  Somehow I saw that relationships are bigger than the work if intimacy is in tact.  If the work is bigger than intimacy, there will be issues.  I really need to learn this lesson.  God did a good job showing this to me in yesterday’s lesson.  We still have to finish it up and get the circulation pump working today.  I’m going to go into it a little more awake today.  I’ll let you know how this goes.

You know you can start moving forward again when all the roadblocks are gone and the green light is looming ahead of you.  That is the way I feel this morning after the several days of “intimacy training”.  I feel as though I should say intimacy awakening.  There is something fundamental about having this clearly awakened for me.  I wrote in my journal this morning that intimacy is like a beautiful presence that has been in front of me for much of my life.  I couldn’t see it because I had so many walls built to “protect me” and that it was blocking the very gift it wanted to provide.  That gift has turned out to be the gift of trusting–fully trusting.  I’ve not ever wanted to be a non-trusting soul, but I had a huge misunderstanding of what intimacy really it.  My perverted past had me thinking intimacy was all about physical touch.  Because of the depth in which this was buried in my heart and soul, I never wanted to be touched again unless I gave permission for it.  Now that I’ve realized that it is about touch, but not so much about physical touch.  God has been touching my life throughout my life.  He has given me opportunities, friendships, family and more;  all of which touched my life enormously.  He has done this because of his intimate love for me.  I just have never understood all of this.  Now that I do I want to step right in and assist others in removing their barriers blocking their ability to see this beautiful presence.

The people of our society today are being poisoned with the thinking “I’ll do it my way.”  Somehow we have come to believe that is a good thing.  God wants us to know His way is best and it is not a dictatorial command He is giving us.  It is one of intimate understanding of His ways verses man’s way.  My ways are selfish.  God’s ways are selfish too, but God doesn’t work with a limited deck like I do.  He is God all-knowing, I am man with very limited knowing.  Why wouldn’t I want this Intimate God to be my Lord and King?

This morning as I surrendered this day to God’s leadership in my life I felt that “peace that passeth all understanding”–Philippians 4:7.  It is amazing!

I think I must tell you that intimacy is here to stay.  I have always looked at this topic through the lens of man when all this time God has been waiting for me to see the light.  In the past few days I’ve begun to see clearly that the first intimacy we (I) build is our (my) own with God.  It looks something like complete trust.  If I trust God in all things I can be completely intimate with Him and He can be completely intimate with me for I fully trust Him.  All intimacy with man is then built accordingly to the amount of trust I have with God.

I mentioned the series yesterday about sexual purity and listening to its first dvd.  It talked about the research behind the sexual purity struggle mankind has.  Because our sex drive is primal, its root go into the limbic system of our brain.  This part of our brain operates our autonomic functions.   I am saying this because the healing that needs to take place in God’s “renewing our mind” (Romans 12: 1&2) goes clear into this part of our being.  I’m posting a quote from the research of the “Genesis Process”.  It states:

THE LIMBIC SYSTEM: Overview

The Limbic System (the heart) is negatively programmed through painful experiences with people we trusted, especially in our formative years. Not trusting or being able to bond with others leads to fear, anxiety, loneliness, isolation and self gratification. Since the heart is negatively programmed through hurtful experiences with others, it must be healed through opposite experiences.  When we can’t get our needs met from others we have to learn to self gratify. Addiction is self-gratification.  This is why recovery that heals what drives self-destructive behaviors is a process of learning to trust again. The process of trust that heals our heart usually begins with God and then people.

When those abused as children are growing into adulthood, it becomes clear why there is this addictive struggle.  I can also see clearly why intimacy has been such a life-long struggle for me.  Now that I am ready to fully trust God in all things I can trust Him to renew even this automatic response I’ve always had to intimacy–starting with Him.  I look forward to this mind renewal.

I do pray this part of the journey is helpful to you.  It is life changing for me and I’ve needed to spend this time here on the journey to get healthier before moving on.

Yesterday, upon finishing the blog entry, I took advantage of the quiet time I had and started watching a video series I was given by one of our pastors.  The series addresses men who want to find sexual purity.  It is much like a support group but it is designed to walk men through a process where they identify and own behaviors and then learn how to use accountability to find daily freedom from the habit of sexual sin.  I have been interested in this topic for years.  It is what brought me first to Celebrate Recovery.  Now after 8 years of CR, I still see men who need the specificity of material designed just for them in this category.  I listened to the first 70 minute DVD and took a test it said to take and spent the rest of the day with the consequences of this!  The very first question of the exam was, “Were you ever sexually abused as a child? Yes or No”.  It went downhill from there.  Actually, it was hugely clarifying for me.

I needed to write the first paragraph so I could explain how God used yesterday to give me a much clearer meaning of intimacy.  Perfect intimacy has no secrets.  Instead, it has genuine trust and respect.  As I was journaling all of this earlier this morning I realized too that all the fears I’ve had about intimacy begin to turn into anticipation rather than fear.  Now, let me connect the first paragraph to this one (maybe you’ve already done so).  Now that I’ve walked this far in the journey of Finding Freedom from my past, I realize how much I’ve walled off and how much God has needed to have me demolish these walls.  I had some walls get demolished yesterday.  One of the things clarified for me in the DVD was the difference between guilt and shame.  In my therapy we dealt with both of these.  I struggled with guilt but nothing like I struggled with shame.  Shame owned me and I didn’t fully understand why.  The speaker said that guilt is the sense of remorse.  Shame, he said, comes from a much deeper part of us and we think we did what we did because of what and who we are. In other words, there is no way out.  That is what I’d always thought about my past–it owned me. Even though I knew Rich’s sin was his, I also knew it possessed me too.  It has been in the renewing of my mind that I’ve been able to dispose of this old belief. The speaker went on to say that God restores us through His word by the renewing of our mind–my belief system.  This is exactly what He has been doing for me the past few years and took me another step forward yesterday by destroying a wall of “protection” that didn’t protect.  It actually kept healthy living and believing out.

This intimate Father we have doesn’t want His kids confused about His work for us.  I love Him for this!  He really is wanting me fully healed and He is relentless in taking us (me) there if we (I) stay with Him and His process of healing.

Intimacy–It is all around us, around me.  I haven’t noticed until now just how of life has intimacy built into it.  I do intimately care about each person who reads this blog because they are finding healing.  I care for each person who has read my book (God’s and mine) and found hope in it for themselves as well as light for next steps towards a more fulfilling life.  I hadn’t looked at any of these aspects as being part of intimacy until now.  Jesus Christ is extremely intimate with us as we continue to draw closer and closer to Him.  I want to continue this journey with Him and complete as much of the intimate work as I can.

Our pastor’s sermon yesterday was about us being grafted into God’s Kingdom through Jesus Christ.  He didn’t graft us in as grandkids, distant relatives, but as sons and daughters.  This makes us direct recipients of the inheritance God has prepared for us.  Talk about intimate detail!

Intimacy seems to be a critical part of all aspects of our nature from mind, emotions and body.  It was safe for me to work with my mind all of my life.  No one could see what was in it and damage it with their criticism.  I struggled to do too much with my emotions because I can’t do anything with my emotions without being noticed.  My view of my emotions was severely damaged from what I thought was dad’s view of me.  Little did I know that people all around me were noticing this part of me anyway.  I was the one who had the blinded eye to it.  My body was damaged goods from all the sexual abuse so I would keep eyes off of it with the work I did from the good thinking I’d do.  I am really waking up to the denial I’ve lived in so much of my life.  I’m also ready to be fully awake to letting my body, mind and emotions work as a team.  I don’t know how this will be, but I believe it will be much like it has been, I’ll just be awake to it now.

Thanks for taking this little journey through intimacy with me the last couple days.  I’ve needed to embrace it as a critical part of life (me).

Yesterday’s blog was a tough one.  The topic of intimacy is not something I’ve ever wanted to be part of.  The odd thing for me however, remove it from me personally and I love it.  Take your infant child, holding him/her, coddling him/her, these moments of intimacy are incomparable to anything human.  When I do this same thing with my grandkids I am filled with love and compassion.  This morning in my devotions I felt like Jesus was giving me my assignment:  “I am to continue on my journey now facing intimacy and actually being intentional about it.”  I am going to start with my wife Kathy.  We have had scores of counseling assignments regarding this topic but I’ve always looked at them as just that–an assignment.  As soon as the assignment ended I went back to my distant self.  I truly don’t know what will become of this, but I know I am to step into this just as the Serenity Prayer teaches:  “One day at a time, one moment at a time….”  I know Kathy will be shocked when I tell her this morning.  I’ll keep you posted.  The odd thing is that as I write this, I don’t sense the phobic response deep within myself that I’ve always had when I addressed it in times past as an assignment.  Somehow I know Jesus is in this.

This is Memorial Day weekend.  I’ve never been too good at celebrating holidays.  I think the reason is intimacy.  They bring you close to the purpose of the holiday.  Close for me has always been to know much about the topic.  Well, I know I’m stepping into the emotional part of knowing–to feel the love of the topic rather than the phobic sense of it.  One thing I do know is that I’m now game for this adventure.

I hope this is meaningful to someone besides me.  If it is, join me if God is nudging you to do so.

So, the journey this morning has come to a screeching halt!  I want to get off the path and continue to live somewhere out in the field away from it.  You’re probably wondering what in the world I’m talking about.  Let me explain.  About a week ago I had a message given to me from Jesus which wasn’t an entirely new one, but it was rather clear.  Last Sunday I had a person share a scripture with me that he said God had given him to give to me.  The scripture was the same message.  I told Kathy about it and have since waited with nothing happening.  In my devotional time this morning I read in Every Day in His Presence by Charles Stanley, “God’s silence to you is not to dishearten you but to bring you to a new level of intimacy with Him.  So do not despair and do not sin.”  So there it is–that word:  INTIMACY.

Of all the things abuse leaves a victim with, I believe the worst or one of the worst is the inability to handle intimacy.  When I hear the word I want to run, flee, work until I fall flat on my face, change the subject or anything but deal with it.  Inside, I tighten up with anxiety and fear and try to steel myself from whatever the consequence of intimacy will be.  So, do you think God is wanting to help me deal with this?  Yes, I believe so.  The other part of this message is the part about while one is waiting in God’s silence, “do not sin.”  This time has always been when I would run to my cave.  Intimacy makes someone totally vulnerable.  I guess that is why someone who has been sexually abused struggles so much with it.  My counselor and I dealt with it many times and poor Kathy has had to live with me during all of this.  That’s why I love her so much.  She has been awfully understanding and patient with this.

So, I’m writing this in my blog today because I do not want to flee any longer.  I want to face this demon in my life once and for all.  I feel a lot like the little boy standing on the dirt trail as I write this.  I do not know what the silence will teach me; I do not know how long it will last. I do not want to flee to a cave any longer; I want to wait and see what God is going to teach me about faith and trusting.  John 11:40 says, “If you believe, you will see the glory of God.”  Well, I am going to believe, in fact, from this present time to the end of the journey, I am going to believe.

If you struggle with this message as I do, know I am praying for you.  I will likewise appreciate your prayers for me.  Thank you.

This morning upon writing my blog I am going to my oldest granddaughter’s 8th grade graduation.  She is a GEM.  She texted me yesterday asking me to come.  Now isn’t that a nice gesture!  I’d never have known it was going to take place otherwise.

Yesterday I got a message forwarded to me from my daughter in Oklahoma.  A person she knows had read the book and had sent a message to her about its impact on her.  She had been sexually abused for several years in her childhood and is working through it now.  I do appreciate knowing that the book is being used for God’s purposes and for His glory.  Somehow, I minimize the damage abuse had on me because I don’t want to think it had/has such control over me.  However, when I read a message like the one sent to me, I wake up fully to the extent of the damage and yes, to me too.  God’s blessed gift of Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit is so comforting at times like this.  But I must say that the gift of one another is sometimes the first level of intimate help.  This person who wrote the message to my daughter is reaching out to someone in her church who gave her my book.  If we don’t reach out to one another, the impact of the damage within us will rip us apart.  God bless her for reaching out and God bless the person helping to lift her up.

I have my own soft side and weak side.  I don’t like to talk about it but I do and I need to address it so it doesn’t become an entrance for Satan’s attacks.  Lets use our support team well.  God gave us one another as well as His Son Jesus and His Holy Spirit.  Let them help us as we open up to them.