Kathy and I are in Joseph, OR with her family.  There is a reunion tomorrow of her mom’s family.  They are a very enjoyable group of people–most friendly.  Her mom was one of a dozen kids just like me.  There is something to be said about large families.  It is not seen much anymore, but there is support and love within a large family that isn’t know, nor could be known, outside of one.

In my devotions this morning I am now reading Ezra.  In this book the Israelites are given permission to go rebuild their temple.  Of course there is great turmoil and strife as they celebrate their opportunity to do so.  It makes me realize no matter what we do to celebrate spiritual growth in our own self or in anyone else, we are going to face turmoil and strife.  Life itself is selfish and Satan exacerbates this selfishness so that many times the steps of growth we take are thwarted just because we don’t like trials.  Before I began Celebrate Recovery I had resolved in my mind I would live my last years in peace–I would do all I could to maintain peacefulness.  There had just been all “I could handle” and I didn’t want anymore strife.  Little did I understand how much strife is simply interwoven into a day.  I was blinded to this or simply in denial of it.  I was hiding so much within that it caused my own immense inner turmoil so anymore from the outside took me over the edge.

In my last few years I’ve made a new resolve that I want to live life for God’s purposes.  Of course this will have strife and turmoil.  Have any of us seen anything done for God that isn’t countered by attack?  My past is in the open now and God is using it as a tool rather than a disease within me.  So, no matter the strife, I will serve the Lord and follow His lead.  To God be all Glory.

I got back from the Denver trip yesterday afternoon just in time to get myself ready for last night’s Celebrate Recovery.  As the founder of Aslan and I were at the Denver airport almost ready to board, we got a call from the realtor representing us saying that the property we thought we had, had been sold out from under us and will close in 30 days.  Ordinarily I’d simply say that God didn’t want this to be the property and where do you want this Father?  Instead, I felt like I’d been slugged in the gut again.  I’ve not been on a roller coaster ride like this one–ever.  This one just keeps spinning and spinning.  Just as we finally got to where I thought we could move forward as a team with genuine team thinking and effort, the ground work must start all over.

Last Sunday’s step study lesson was the 2nd one–Powerless.  God talked to me a good deal last night about recognizing the truth of this lesson.  I am powerless to change any of these circumstances.  What I’m empowered to do is recognize it and quit trying to do this as man does.  Last night’s lesson was Relapse.  The lesson is all about equipping yourself to be ready for temptations/trials that would cause one to relapse.  I have these tools in place but I do struggle at times to initiate them like contacting my accountability when I’m tried or tempted.  This morning as I was approaching my prayer time I read what is at the top of my prayer list.  It says “new creation”.  I’ve written this there to daily remind me I am a new creation.  This morning when I saw it I told God I didn’t know how to be one.  He instantly reminded me I am one already.  These struggles/trials don’t make me less than one.

A new creation is still powerless and they understand this.  They surrender rather than “try harder”.  A new creation knows the steps to take to “be strong in the Lord” so when trials and temptations comes he can put himself into God’s hands and let Him fight the battle.  The new creation knows that God’s timing is always right.  So, keeping all this in mind for today, I am better able to know I’m already a new creation still learning to quit trying to achieve its worthiness.

God, I believe, was gloried yesterday. The ones here in Denver representing Aslan met with the founder of Denver Street Schools. It was s lengthy and most informative time. After the meeting the ones who came met for three hours to talk through what we learned, what we needed to change or adjust and where we now start. I was able to address some very troubling areas that were impacting me. All of this was received well. There is a new level of hope established in whst God can do and is doing. 

I’ve known for some time now that the road with God is not a piece of cake but I am finding in a new way that “accepting hardship as a pathway to peace” is what God wants done when we accept it through His guidance and will. 

I wasn’t going to post today because of the early time I needed to be at the airport.  God had other plans however.  I awoke at 4:15 knowing I needed to be up and hear from God.  Yesterday’s surgery for a heart of flesh needed to be processed after a day of living with it.  It seemed odd to realize that the love I yearned for–my mom’s–is seen differently from the lens of this new heart.  It would have been nice to have known mom’s love in a concrete way.  But, with a heart of flesh, I see mom’s heart instead of seeing my own need.  I see a longing heart in my mom.  I know that someday she and I will have ample opportunity to share but I’m OK now knowing this will transpire.  It will also transpire with full capability of grasping all the influences that humanness had through selfishness and satanic attacks.

In a few minutes I will leave for the trip to Denver to see a school for sex trafficked girls which has been in operation for many years.  God has told me to go and see with new eyes, hear with new ears and listen for Him to show His Kingdom Work.  Let Him guide this project from this point forward.  Bring His children to Him.  How I want to be a good servant with this.  God, be glorified this day.

Today is surgery day.  I don’t mean physical surgery, but spiritual surgery.  This morning I was up at 5:00 am unable to sleep.  I will be missing my 7-Pillars meeting tomorrow night for sexual addiction but I was being nudged by God to do the lesson anyway.  In so doing He brought me to a point of crisis I’ve run from my whole adult life.  The lesson is entitled “Your Grievance Story”.  It does an interesting thing taking you through the story of David inviting King Saul’s grandson who was the only living descendant from Saul’s lineage, to come live at the palace and eat meals at the king’s table.  He happened to be Jonathan’s son who was David’s dear friend and confidant.  The grandson didn’t want to come fearing it was a deception but he was finally convinced that David was seriously meaning he wanted to honor Saul’s grandson.

This comparison was used to take the reader to our own disbelief when one is trying to do something wonderful for us.  The assignment of processing was painful.  I was to tell where the root of my personal disbelief still lies.  I’m having a hard time putting this here in words so bear with me.  I have desperately to know my mom wanted me, to tell me I was OK during all the years of dad’s beatings and dad’s emotional beatings.  I just once wanted mom to tell me I was OK even if dad was so displeased with me.  It didn’t happen and my belief finally turned to the fact I had to hide–my only worth was for Rich’s sexual stimulant.  This is the one area where I was really wanted.

There is so much I could go into about all of this but the purpose of my writing this is that God today wanted me to see and hear Him say He was going to remove these lies and begin replacing them with truth.  The truth isn’t new truth, but the surgery will allow the truth to stay with me.  The surgery is for a heart of flesh.  The heart of stone for me has deflected any love that wanted to penetrate it.  God told me it’s time to let Him tenderly but thoroughly remove this false stone heart and give me the heart He has wanted me to receive.  I told Him, “Yes, do the surgery.”  There’s so much I could add now, but I’m leaving it right here.  I still feel the surgery taking place.  I’ll add more as the healing starts.  Right now I feel pretty raw.

Yesterday my biggest fear turned into reality.  The board member I respected the most with Aslan resigned.  She felt she was the hindrance to others being able to move forward with the work. My logical mind can see this but my emotional side screams.  She was the reason I joined the board in the first place and she’s the one I wanted to work on this topic of sex trafficked girls with.  As I type this I already see the flaw.  My motivation was about man and me.  Every since I received the email yesterday late afternoon I’ve been hurting.  I don’t enjoy working with the other board members.  It seems I spend more time trying to show them a better route to take and battling their feelings.  All this is about man and me.  This morning God has taken the entire devotional time to show me HIM.  He has wanted me to have my eyes on Him and not on man.  Little did I realize how much my eyes were on man until the “man” I enjoyed and appreciated was removed from the picture.

As I started to pray using my prayer list, I saw what I see each morning, my written instructions for praising God and thanking Him for making me a new creation.  As soon as I saw this I was reminded that a new creation may be sad to see a member leave, but knows that God is Mightily in control of His Kingdom Work.  I really needed this reminder.  It also reminded me to tell God I was sorry for my momentary desire to fight back under my own strength and frustration.  I have a major trip I’m taking with the founder of Aslan next week to see a program we may model ours after which is in Denver.  God is reminding me to stay with Him in this.  If I am to ever receive the double blessing He showed me several days ago as with Elisha who stayed with Elijah, I must “wait on Him” and “stay with Him” while I wait.

Being a new creation isn’t the peace of a tranquil lake with no storm present, but it is the peace of the bird and nest in the tree by the raging falls.  My peace comes from looking up, not from looking at the falls.

The last couple days my journey has me butting up against some difficult areas.  The one is the Aslan Ministry which is for the sex trafficked girls and its management.  The second is a family issue that is upsetting to me.  In them God is showing me some genuine sinfulness in me called pride.  I’ve known I have pride but I’ve always looked at my own pride in comparison to my dad’s.  His pride was a major stimulus for his raging temper.  God has been showing me that my pride isn’t compared to my dad’s in His eyes.  He wants me to see mine for what it is and how it interferes with His work in my life.

In my devotions this morning I’m reading II Chronicles.  The prophets were showing the kings of Judah and Israel their prideful ways and how it interferes with their seeking God and His Ways.  That was easy for me to see for them and me.  However, it was a word picture that Joyce Meyer used that awakened me to see myself.  She told of two painters who had created two different scenes of peace.  One was a lake in the high mountains and one was a bird and its nest in a willow tree overhanging a raging waterfall.  God’s peace doesn’t remove raging storms.  His peace is present when we see God and not the storm.  Man on the other hand wants to be removed from the storm so picture one is his selfish choice.  My pride wants to remove me from raging storms or to remove the person who is causing it in my mind.  My reaction is to confront them or walk away.  God is telling me to wait on Him in the midst of these times.  See Him and believe He is doing His Kingdom Work.  He will shed light when He wants me to act.

These times are also the times when I am most vulnerable to retreating to old habits of porn–give myself a little reprieve as disgusting as it might be.  This morning God has been showing me how all this can be another step on the journey’s trail towards greater peace in the storm and greater victory from old ways.  He is such a Good Father.  I love Him.  I hope you as a reader are finding greater strength and trust from Him likewise.

Today is my youngest daughter’s birthday.  She is 31.  I was 36 when Kathy and I adopted her.  Kathy hadn’t been able to conceive once we had married and we chose to go the route of adoption rather than doing all the fertility steps.  My journey then was being a father to my two daughters: Amy and Amber and now we would have Angie.  31 years later my journey has brought 11 grandkids into the picture and one more that will be born in a couple weeks.  I had so many things in my life that were haunting me 31 years ago.  Today these haunts are stories I tell.

Everyday I pray that my kids and grandkids will know God’s freedom as I do today.  What I’ve had to learn over the years is that each one of them has to find this freedom for themselves.  Dad or grandpa can’t do it for them–as much as I wish I could spare them the cost.  What I do know is that my relationship with each one of my kids and grandkids has an impact on how they want to live.  Keeping intimacy strong is always important.  I’m learning so much more about this as my own intimacy grows between God and me.

Yesterday hit as a steamroller.  That is not a bad thing, just that every project I’m working with has immediate needs which involve time and effort.  One of them is also very emotionally needy so it is far more about keeping myself on track with the work separating the drama of emotions others carry right on the surface.  I’m also beginning to see that sometimes the God-sized Work He does is the change in a person. In my past when I dealt with a emotionally driven person I would spend much time trying to “convince” them there are other ways of dealing with problems than simply yelling at it, pouting about it, becoming bitter, etc.  All I would usually do is get myself caught in their emotional trap.  God is showing me that He is the One who changes lives and when He does it, it sticks.  The message is something like this:  “Let it go Earnie.”

Last night at Celebrate Recovery was chip night.  This is when folks working on some area of sobriety or changed life, they get a chip for each level of accomplishment from 30 days all the way to 35 years.  Two months ago I took a starting chip for working on being a “new creation”.  I didn’t set solid criteria determining what qualified me living it.  Thus, I haven’t taken a 30 day or 60 day chip.  However, it hit me last night the solid criteria I need to set.  The testimony we had spoke of trying to do this change on our own.  I know better than this but I don’t act like I do much of the time.  God nudged me to take the step of setting the criteria for my living as a new creation.  The action I’d take is to call or text an accountability person at the point when I am tempted to falter.  This is what a new creation does.  This is not new but the action would sure be new for me.  I tend to reach out sometimes and other times I reach out after I’ve fought temptation for a while.  If God is going to fight the battle which He says is His anyway, I’ve got to let it go.  The only way I let it go is to surrender it by telling someone that I’m struggling.  My pride stands in the way thinking I’m weak.  Yet, I know I will be strong when I tell.  So, this is my new commitment for stepping into living the life of a new creation.  Anyone ready to join me?

This morning I couldn’t help but take a minute and enjoy the fact it is morning.  I do love the early start of each and every day.  As I was taking a moment to thank God for mornings I hit upon a reason that hadn’t occurred to me.  Mornings are fresh and sometimes crisp when we get past summer.  What occurred to me was that the freshness of mornings also patterns the freshness God gives us with each new day.  Through Jesus Christ the newness is already given to us.  We never have to earn it we just have to receive it by accepting Christ into our heart and lives.

Yesterday brought together all my kids and grandkids living locally.  It has been over 3 years since this has happened.  During those 3 years much has taken place that God has been working to heal and restore.  I know He isn’t done with His work, but it was so good to have everyone together and enjoying one another.  To hear the laughter of grandkids playing in the pool, chasing one another in the yard, showing empathy when an injury happens makes a grandpa’s heart happy.

Yesterday we celebrated freedom.  Today we live it.  In fact we can’t celebrate something that we haven’t lived.  This is physically true and spiritually true.  As my journey continues each day I am becoming more and more steadfast in wanting to live abundantly free in my spiritual life.  I fought to earn my freedom with God–hoping He’d love me eventually and I’d be good enough for His love.  Finally, little by little, I’ve learned that my efforts were futile.  It was Christ’s efforts on the cross that earned me my spiritual freedom.  I just needed to accept it as such.  I’m sure not done having this awareness permeate all of my living and thinking, but I do know I’m on the right tract now.  My journey now is that of an “heir,”  not from the side of “error”.  I’m on purpose and so are you.  We are free indeed!