This morning’s start for my journey stopped me so I could see something I’ve never seen before.  I am going to try and make this clear.  Yesterday had a couple temptations in it that had a sexual nature.  In times past these temptations typically led to sin or in other words–me acting out.  However, in my recovery of late having recently addressed the issues with my mother I felt empowered to leave them as a temptation.  As my devotion time started I had thoughts of yesterday’s temptation, times when I was told my body was an attraction to someone and things like that.  I always made the statement to quit thinking that way for I am not my body.  I am Earnie the one with good thoughts, good actions, etc.

I’m going to leave this alone for a minute now and shift to the conversation I had with “the one I love” I mentioned yesterday.  We were able to express ourselves lovingly and get our points across.  They were heard but not necessarily understood.  However, it was simply left as that and we would move on.  The one I was talking to said they felt violated.  I asked God this morning to help me understand this meaning for I couldn’t put it into perspective with the event being criticized.

As I got to the point in my devotions where I ask God what He wants me to know for today, He said, “Earnie, you want information for today from Me.  What I want is to fill your body and have you recognize it.  You see your value in what you think and do.  You still see your body as something unloved and used by your past abuse.  It is time to apply all you have learned to this precious gift I gave you at the time of your birth.  It is as valuable to me as you see your new granddaughter’s body being.”

God quickly allowed me to see that the care given to me by mom was always done responsibly and as thoroughly as possible by her.  To Rich I was a physical attraction to be used in secret and to dad I was an entertainment.  (I realize there is much more to this than these words, but this has been my thinking of my body’s purpose in times past).  I would give real value to me by having good thoughts and doing good deeds and this is the way I’ve lived throughout my life.

Today God asked me to see the error of this thinking so I could move into a greater realm with Him and our relationship.  He created me as beautifully as He did Ivy Amber and loved me equally.  His Holy Spirit is waiting to be fully functional in me using my whole body, not just my mind where I could keep the influence of dad and Rich out.  So, using what I learned from “The Grievance Story” in 7-Pillars a couple weeks ago, I forgave mom, I forgave dad, and I forgave Rich.  I told myself I love me–all of me.  Then, God told me He loved all of me and created me to be loved.

I’m not exactly sure how all of this will play out, but I am so much more confident that “He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it” as is said in Philippians 1:6.  This God of ours is so much more than I’ve ever known!  And, back to violated–that is what was done to me by dad and Rich.  The walls of denial are being destroyed.