Today is a very important anniversary for me personally. It was a year ago today that I began to journal to God rather than to Jesus. I’ve told bits and pieces of this over the year, but this being the anniversary, I want to be reminiscent and write it out. I didn’t know at first why God wanted me journaling to Him. I thought I was doing the right thing journaling to Jesus–after all, Jesus was the one God sent for us to be our perfect example of living out our lives and He was the One who made it possible to come to our Father for eternity. However, on July 31, 2016 God asked me to journal to Him rather than to His Son. So, I did.
In a few days of doing this I started one morning feeling very unworthy of journaling to God Almighty. I told Him so. Instead of switching back to journaling to Jesus, God said he wanted me journaling to Him. He said He’d sent Jesus to be my example and to pave the way for me to eternity, but not to replace Him. Little did I know down deep within me how much I feared God–not a Godly type fear, but genuine fear as I use to have of my dad when I was young.
In the past year God has demonstrated intimacy to me like I never knew possible. Most of this has come through the journaling. I always ask at the end of my journaling time what He wants me to know for the day? Invariably He tells me how much He loves me and enjoys our time together each morning. There is usually instruction in it too, but what I enjoy most is the intimacy with Him.
Most recently He gave me a gift of healing I never thought I could have. This I’ve told also in the past few weeks but it ties in with today’s entry so I want to address it here also. About 4 weeks ago the lesson in our 7-Pillars class was entitled: My Grievance Story. From it I had to address a hurt I hadn’t ever wanted to face. This hurt was from my mom. The pain of hurt caused by dad’s physical abuse and his emotional abuse along with my brother’s sexual abuse pain was faced in the three years, 2009-2012. But, the absence of mom’s emotional concern for me was never addressed, talked about but now faced. In this lesson I came face to face with this beast. I ended up calling my counselor from the three years I’d spent overcoming dad and Rich’s abuse. She told me she was glad I was now facing this. She said if we don’t admit the truth of hurt and pain we can never forgive it. That wise statement sunk in this time. I was able to talk with mom–even though she’s been gone for 18 years–and tell her I forgave her. Since this time God has been filling this hole with His own love and care. I wish I could put better words to this but all I can say is I don’t feel empty anymore. The yearning to be worthwhile, meaningful, loved is gone. I actually feel content inside–complete. This has been the miraculous healing God has presently given me.
Celebrate Recovery talks about, “Don’t quit until the miracle happens.” I can honestly say I’ve had several of these moments over the past 9 years. However, this particular one ties so directly into my trust and faith in the God who created me to be like him–not to have to earn this nature, but receive it and accept it as a Gift from His Son–Jesus Christ when we ask Him into our hearts. He gives us His Holy Spirit. I’ve known this for years, now I believe it and can live it–one day at at time, one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to PEACE.