The last three days I’ve awakened unable to sleep beyond 5:00 am. I have learned that God is wanting me to join Him when this happens so once again this morning I did just that–joined Him. I haven’t said this, but since the 7-Pillars class last week I’ve been emotionally troubled. I couldn’t put my finger on the root of it, but I thought it was the sexual/emotional, explicit nature of the lessons we are presently completing. It is one thing to have to complete the lessons, it’s yet another thing to have to share it with the ones in the group. I dreaded this.
As I completed my devotions and Bible reading I was being nudged to go into the 7-Pillars lessons. We didn’t have class last night due to a special speaker at our church we all wanted to hear. So, I went ahead and got the workbook out and began to read the preparatory part of the lesson. It was saying that the lesson I started a week ago is the one which gets to the root of addiction for men. I had found it very disturbing as I’d done it and hadn’t looked at it since last week. However, I took last weeks lesson and reread it and reread what I had put down for responses. I could see something I hadn’t wanted to see. I needed to be totally honest with God, myself and the men I will be sharing this with. I added some detail I needed to put and then did the 2nd part which is for next week. As I finished the detail I was asked to look for patterns that have troubled me for decades. I could now see them. There was one I have talked about repeatedly: my lack of self-worth and value to men. The one I hadn’t seen before was the one about Earnie and women. I have always wanted to be valuable. I hated the early value I thought I had for men so I looked for this with mom. This I have talked about. It wasn’t there I thought. My first wife left me. My engagement 2 years later ended with her leaving me. There are some other less important situations going back to high school and college that add to this, but my bottom line was that men abused me and women didn’t want me.
All of that seems so sad. Yet, the beauty in this for me is that this information is coming at a time when I am ready to call all of it a lie. The roots of shame and guilt are being disentangled and removed. As I got to my journaling time I was able to talk to God about His intimacy with me and how much it has been helping me to quit hiding these things I’ve never wanted to address. Now in addressing them I see the lie about my worth and value from my past thinking. It takes Ephesians 2:10 and makes it real for me for “I am God’s masterpiece.” This doesn’t need to any longer be a hope, but it can be a reality. How good and thorough God is. Praise His Holy Name!