Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Rarely do I sit down an my computer to write the blog with a sense of, “I don’t know what to say.” Today, however is one of them. I have much on my mind but it would take a chapter in a book to write all that is there. Last night my dear sis called saying her heart is enlarged and she’s been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. The doctors will meet with her next week to let her know how severe it is at this point. I know enough to realize one doesn’t need to panic at this point but it is a wake up to the diminishing human life we have. My siblings still living are all at this point of losing ground. It is not an enjoyable time in life if I dwell on it very long.
Secondly, it is disturbing to me to do the assignment tomorrow I have all of us doing in the group working on the relapse prevention. Celebrate Recovery calls these feelings character defects. I hate being weak and I tend to beat myself up royally for it but I need help when I encounter times of temptation. Some of what I feel is sheer pride because I must tell someone/s and I always fear judgment. Along with this I hear that voice of not being good enough so just give in. Do I know in my head all the steps to take? Yes. Do I want to act on them? NO–because it requires telling. However, it is so good to have to write this here because it gets all of this out of my head and onto a means where others can see it and i can tell the tempter that it is no longer a secret. I have fought secrets way too long.
One of our guys working on this task of relapse prevention contacted me last night. He had been asked by a friend of his wife if her husband come come Sunday to the group? He has relapsed several times with his addiction and is presently lost in it. I know him well but Sunday’s group is to review the form, having spent this week going through it with our spouses as our first accountability and then tomorrow we will go through it with one another as a final test seeing if the form goes into the areas as it needs to do. As much as I’d like to help this man, the setting is wrong. So I told the one who contacted me that we can use it one on one with him if tomorrow’s session is a green light. I find the most difficult thing in relapse prevention is not about knowing the right steps to take, it is taking the steps one knows to take. We all deal with personal pride, and then we all have backgrounds which Satan uses to cripple us more with our thinking of self. I know this extremely well!
Now that all of this is written down I can more easily step into today. Thanks for being my escape today.