Yesterday turned out to be quite the day. I went to the school I was to work with only to find I was to be there Friday, not Wednesday. Even though there were a couple things I could attend to, it was a goof-up on my part putting it incorrectly in my phone calendar. I got home to find a myriad of things needing attention, insurance, my daughter’s car purchase and the rental she had after the wreck and more. I spent much of the day working through issues which still are not resolved. In the midst of this Kathy and I had a talk about our need to better connect with one another.
Last night’s Celebrate Recovery lesson was Victory. It goes into the fact that we have character defects (defective thinking) from our growing up years. I certainly have had many and still have. God is helping me with them and this morning He gave me much insight into a major one. Last summer I wrote a post regarding my need to see my mom as a human and not as a super human. I would never be able to forgive her for her absence when I desperately needed her as a child growing up with the abuse of dad and my brother. (This advice was given to me by the counselor/therapist I had for 3 years.) I was left all alone to figure out how I could be strong all by myself. In this I found the habit of porn much later in life to salve my deep hurt. Once I recognized this I was able to talk with mom (even though she’s gone from this earth) and forgive her for this void.
Much of my connection to Kathy has been tied to that emotional need deep within to be supported. I hadn’t recognized this until God pointed it out this morning. Now I can go to her and talk this through. I don’t need a super-human as a wife, I need a human being who was given to me by God to complete me and I complete her. Maybe this sounds silly to a reader, but to me, the writer, it makes perfect sense. My defective thinking was tied to an inner wound I was wanting Kathy to fix even though she never could, when God wanted me to see that He does this as I see Kathy through His eyes and as His gift to me. She isn’t a god, she is my wife–a human, with flaws just like me. I don’t walk this road of recovery hoping to access her as needed, I walk it with her side by side each and every step of the way. Thank you Father for this wake up!