Last night’s class was nothing less than a revelation in and of itself. As we were processing questions from the 9th chapter on “Wrestling with God,” one of the questions was, “What do you need to hear from God?” I had written, “I love you, son….” (This is raw for me but I need to get it out in the open). In my entire growing up years I never heard any man tell me I was loved, appreciated, or …. I never witnessed any affection from a man. What I do recall very well is all of the hurt and verbal abuse I heard over and over. The question above revealed a hole in my soul which had to be lanced so the poisonous lies could be released and replaced. This is exactly what took place this morning in my time with God.
40+ years ago I was working at a men’s clothing store in Caldwell as a second job to my teaching. At lunch time I was walking back to the store when I saw a man I knew well and his 8-10 year old son. They were crossing the street holding hands and laughing. I started to tear up as I saw this way back when. Today, I recall it vividly and I know why—my soul longed to be loved, nurtured like this father did his son. Tenderness is not often something a man talks about. It just isn’t thought to be manly. However, once one gets a step beyond this lie, I believe we all know tenderness is appropriate and needed by all men. The most mature men understand this and are not reticent to give tenderness.
I’m glad to have this out in the open. I doubt that God is done helping me work through all of this. I love God and now He can start filling this void left from my childhood.