There is one thing I’m learning from my journaling each day and then following that up with the writing of this blog. This process helps to solidify in me what I use to carry within my mind as just a wish or hope. This morning was a good example of what I mean.
As I began my Bible reading in Psalms a lot of requests were going to God about stopping the enemies, holding back the opposition, destroying the message of division and hate and much more. These messages were seemingly being prayed or sang to God. There is an inferred message of these prayers going to Jesus, but He isn’t known as of yet–just prophesied.
Because of the big event starting a week from today, my mind is filled with expectation and details to have the expectations completed well and impacting the host of people needing to be present. So, as I started my journaling I began to write: Father God. I then quickly recalled my commitment to journal to Jesus. However, that strong sense that I needed to go to the top with all of these very important needs was paramount. But, as I began to ponder this oddity of mine, I wrote: “Jesus, help me know why I don’t trust you with the most important things in my life?” As I continued to journal I began to realize even when I journaled to God, I still felt the anxiety of “will this get done correctly, will the people be there who need to be there??” I began to realize that I still didn’t trust even when I “went to the top”. It was more about a hope than a trust. It was about me, not my Father or His Son Jesus. It’s another character defect as Celebrate Recovery helps us to see. This process of journaling helped me to see the error of my ways and I confessed my selfish thinking and lack of trust and surrendered all of it to Jesus.
As I asked the daily question of what Jesus wanted me to know and believe for today, He told me that our “true relationship” is only months old. The one I knew before and the father of the one I knew before were not Who They are to me today. Jesus wants me to be a servant leader. He helped me see that a servant leader knows Who he is subservient to and then leads out of obedience to Him. I’ve always wanted God and Jesus to complete what I thought I was doing for them. Now I’m learning how important to no longer have hope, but instead, turn my hope into TRUST and obey what Jesus nudges through His Holy Spirit. This is about Earnie working for Jesus rather than the other way around.
These are humbling moments and I want to be a faithful student who is learning to be a faithful servant for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!