At 4:45 this morning I awoke to a sense that it was time to arise and see what God wanted me to know from Him. The coffee pot wasn’t set to be done this early so I had to get it perking first. As I began to journal I had several things I wanted to put before God to be sure I was on track with Him. After I’d written them down I asked my daily question: “What do You want me to know from You for today, Jesus?” All I heard was, “My son, your heart is sad.” With that I began to cry and cry. The overwhelming sadness of Christmas without our entire family being together brought much sadness. But, the biggest sadness was the reality of living the rest of my life with a different picture of life with my sisters in California. I’m so grateful that Bonnie is recovering so well, but in spite of this, living where she has must change along with things like driving, caring for herself all by herself, etc.
As I was writing all of this down in my journal in response to Christ’s message about my sadness, I felt nudged to allow more of His Light to be shed on this emotion: sadness. As I allowed myself to look at this sadness I was reminded of something Bonnie told me on the phone yesterday afternoon. She said she and one of my brother’s had talked Sunday afternoon. My brother had told her I was a blessing to our family unlike anyone else in it. She asked me if I knew this and added that I needed to believe it. Why should this bring sadness? As I began to let God speak to me, He showed me how I’ve had this false belief that my emotions were my weakness so I had to keep them suppressed and deny they exist within. Any emotion I had was compared to dad and his savage way of handling his own. I began to see how deeply this lie was rooted in me. I have been ridiculed and shamed since early childhood about my nature. I’d cry over such little things like the TV program Lassie. Every week I’d cry when she’d rescue someone in the program. Dad and my brothers would ridicule me to the point of shame but I couldn’t keep the tears away so I simply grew up knowing I MUST control them as best as I could knowing men did not act this way.
I could write a book’s chapter on this, but the outcome of this morning has been a tremendous Light from God penetrating a reservoir of darkness within me. I felt God nudging me to go talk with Kathy. I knew she’d be asleep, but…. When I finally finished I said I would let her go back to sleep. Her response was, “Don’t leave, I still want to visit!” It was 6:30 am!
With the Light of this morning has come a great deal of acceptance for me of who I am. God made me this way and my brother even called me a blessing and my sis said I am to believe it. I fell as though God is telling me this morning that He made me to be this–a blessing. My word–could this be true?! Well, God said, “Yes, it is true.” Sixty-five years ago my dad would have said this was arrogant and he would need to kill my spirit for even saying such a thing. However, all these years later, God wants me to know I don’t need to be sad any longer about who I am. He made me just the way He did to be a blessing to Him and others. I told Him thank you for this and I’m very grateful! For the sadness I have for Christmas season, I’ve cried recognizing it is part of grieving, and now I’m ready to let God be glorified in it. My sadness isn’t something any longer for me to be ashamed. Instead, I have a deep appreciation for all God has given me. I’m momentarily sad, but I am deeply appreciative!