I’m giving my testimony to our Celebrate Recovery group in two weeks. As I finished my devotions yesterday and written my blog entry I pulled the testimony up on my computer so I could read through it and update it. I’m always a little raw afterwards, but it’s simply reliving in my mind what it was like to live through those earlier times in my life. It was raining outside so I couldn’t go prune roses, which was on my docket for the day. Our consultants, doing the educational work I do, are going through a newly released book called Soul, by Timothy Kanold. A couple of us are to present to the others on April 15 the first section of the book, seven chapters. I thought I’d read those chapters while I was inside. In so doing I found myself gripped by the book’s message in the first couple of chapters. The author is telling his childhood trauma and relating it to his work in education today. I was feeling this strong nudge that God was wanting me to do the same.
Having just finished rewriting my testimony, I was already feeling exposed. Now I’m reading someone else’s exposure of his life. I’ve met the author a couple of times through zoom meetings and he is truly an educational exemplar. Knowing his background doesn’t change my opinion of his work, it actually makes me commend him for being able to use his background to enhance his work. It has taken me 24 hours to get to a level playing field in my mind. My emotions were wanting me to walk away. These consultants don’t need to know my weaknesses–I kept telling myself. Yet, God keeps reminding me that my commitment to education is largely due to knowing just how much the teachers in my life made the difference for me. I DO want to do the same. (I just didn’t want the group of educators I work with knowing my own story. I might find judgment I feared).
I actually have a phone call lined up with the one I’m presenting with in 45 minutes. I bit the bullet and sent her a message yesterday afternoon saying I’d like to talk about our presentation. I’m going to step into this TRUSTING it is God’s next step.