I always thought that having to confess my use of porn was the ugliest confession of all. However, I have recently discovered one even greater–PRIDE. I’ve written in the last couple of entries about my need to confront a character flaw in me I’ve hated, but hung onto. I know the flaw and confessed it. This morning as I was journaling I asked Jesus to reveal the root of this flaw. It is one thing to confess, but it is entirely another thing to let it go so it doesn’t take root in your behaviors again.
When I was ending my journaling I asked the question I always ask at the end of each journal entry: “What do you want me to know from you for today, Jesus?” His response was immediate as it is each day. He graciously pointed out that the root of my character flaw is pride. Pride was what kept me living in a secret all of my life until Celebrate Recovery. Pride was what kept me using porn thinking I couldn’t overcome this due to my past so just accept it as something one must cope with. Pride was what fueled the actions of this present character flaw. In fact, Jesus pointed out that I did this so I could be “superior” in my thinking in one area of my life believing I’ve been inferior all of these years.
The reason this is so important at this point in my life is knowing how I saw my pride. If my pride never measured up to the ugliness of dad’s pride, then I was ok in my thinking. When my grandson pointed out to me a couple of days ago what my actions look like to my family I was able to see that my measuring stick needed to shift to God’s measuring stick. Man’s pride is always sinful when it is used for his own selfishness. Knowing this root, accepting the truth of this root, I can now surrender it to Jesus as my sin and act on The Holy Spirit’s nudges when He’s pointing out to me what I’ve wanted to ignore in the past.
Thank you, Thank you JESUS!