Do you know what a collision looks like in God’s Spiritual world?  I think I’m only beginning to understand this ever so slightly.  When God’s Light meets the darkness of this earthly world and the darkness of sin it is simply amazing.  I was expecting a knock-down fight.  Well, all it was for me in both Tuesday and Wednesday events was God’s amazing presence working in the lives of people including mine.  I found myself free to speak and sing God’s glory and hear and see the effects of God’s miraculous healing in the lives of those who gave their testimonies.  God’s light obliterates fear and that’s what happened last night.  There were 62 present for our Celebrate Recovery kickoff.  I stand amazed in the presence of this Almighty God we serve!  There are things man does to help men fell safe.  However, there is nothing life the presence of God’s Holy Spirit to expel anything unsafe.  His presence simply does not allow the presence of evil.  Why it has taken me so long to begin to realize this is just the facts of my journey.  I hope my blog writing will help others expel their fears of trusting God to work what He is wanting to do in your life just as He is in mine.

I had a man call me yesterday afternoon while I was driving home from work.  He had heard about my book and wanted one.  He told me briefly of his sexual abuse when he was a boy.  It has haunted him for years.  I invited him to come last night to our kickoff and he came.  He told me afterwards how his fear had dissipated during the evening.  God was showing him it was safe to bring his story of abuse out in the open for help.  We do not need to live in the bondage of our past.

To God be all glory!

The collision hit last night.  There were 12 men who came to the start for our church’s Conquer series dealing with sexual addiction.  I found myself glad to be there and fully ready.  There was no angst, only eagerness to learn and apply from my heart and leadership of God’s Holy Spirit within me.  I am so grateful for the awakening of yesterday.  I cannot say I’m fully at peace about tonight, this seems much bigger to me–facing this giant of singing as a mask to cover who I am.  I now know the truth and am going to trust today.  I am a new creation and will live within this truth trusting each moment.

Yesterday, as I was going through much of my Celebrate Recovery materials preparing for tonight I found a poem I’d written in 2010 and revised in 2011.  I don’t think I ever shared it with anyone, it simply expressed what God and His Team were and are doing in my life.  It fits well with my present realities in this journey so I’m going to post it today.  It is called:  Freedom At Last.

FREEDOM AT LAST

 The freedom of Christ, what glory, what a prize

That I could ever have it was a hope much too sublime.

For 60+ years the chains held me tight

The promises of God were for others’ life plights.

Mine was embedded so deeply within

And Satan had me believing there was no hope for my sin.

It’s a paradox truly, my life unfolding

For the Savior was within but I thought for others He was holding.

To me, He showed His love by answering my prayers

Always for others who were needing God’s tender loving care.

Much satisfaction I found and it’s actually true

That God does love others and showed it using me too.

Little did I know my torment within

Was fueled by a belief–I was worthy just of sin.

The damages of a brother and father as well

Had removed the word “treasure”, for this soul deserved hell.

On the surface most knew I loved Jesus through and through

But when I called His name no one came to remove my awful shame.

Don’t feel bad however, for the saga doesn’t end

With promise unfulfilled–for Christ this boy does fend.

Through Celebrate Recovery and counseling too

Christ began to show He’s real not just for you but for me too!

The walls of protection I had built so long ago

Began to be identified, denial and insanity were beginning to show.

I didn’t know them by such terms for that was denial too.

For me, I used humor and sarcasm to promote laughter for me and you.

Celebrate Recovery promoted ways to freedom regardless the cost.

Counseling revealed the layers causing me to remain so lost.

Pain and sorrow, guilt and shame were a few of the demons I now call by name.

A heart made of flesh, not made of steel

Is what I’m now finding for that’s what makes me real.

God loves me–He made me–I am His child

He sent me Christ to be with me all the while.

The Holy Spirit is mine–Christ’s gift for inviting Him in.

His throne is my heart–my heart I’m just beginning to comprehend.

It’s not what I do that makes me God’s son

It’s who I am–His creation–made to be one.

This treasure I now know has a heart of flesh that’s called Christ’s home.

I’m humbled to find it within me–within this once damaged soul.

I was healed but didn’t know it but now I’m becoming free.

For the bondage of sin is broken–the debt of sin is paid for me.

I will forever celebrate this truth and from now on there is no doubt

The struggle is worth it, God’s plan is real, no one: not you or me is left out.

 Forever grateful,

Earnie

My journey today and tomorrow is bringing my past and present to a head.  I mentioned a few days ago about my angst with my quartet singing for our Celebrate Recovery kickoff tomorrow.  Tonight I’ll be attending the kickoff of our Conquer series which is for people who struggle with sexual addiction.  Both of these events have “collision” written in them for me.

My past sexual abuse left me with a propensity for sexual addiction.  It wasn’t until Celebrate Recovery and my years of therapy that I could separate my part from the abuse part.  The propensity for sexual addiction is my part and I must admit it (not staying in denial) and stay in close contact with my accountability.  This specific accountability  will be built in the next few weeks with the men who come.  Secondly, tomorrow night’s kickoff for Celebrate Recovery brings our quartet to front and center for me.

I say in my Celebrate Recovery testimony and in my book that God provided me with a teacher in high school who gave me the opportunity for singing.  I found when I sang that people were “blessed”.  They would tell me so.  Over the years I began to sooth my troubled belief system about my self worth with the fact that my singing made people feel good.  I somehow thought God gave me this gift so I could find worthiness.  Well, as the years progressed I never found worthiness, I only found singing to be my mask.  It was even a mask for the sexual issues I faced.

This morning as I was journaling with God regarding both of these He enlightened me with a few items He wanted me to now realize.  Both the sexual abuse and my singing to hide the effects of it are parts of my old self.  Today and tomorrow He wants to bring them to the forefront in the “new creation” He has given me.  I don’t need to be anxious about any of this for the old self has been replaced.  He wants me to trust Him to use all of this as part of His message in taking the mess of my life and turning it into His message for me.  He now wants me to honor Him by sharing His message of work within me.

The last thing He showed me this morning is the significant difference between my heart and my mind.  Once again He reminded me that I was created as a spiritual being in human form.  The home for the spirit being is my heart.  This is where Christ is on the throne and His Holy Spirit resides.  Satan cannot touch my heart for this is where Christ is and the power of His Holy Spirit–The Angel Army.  In my mind however there is ample room for Satan to work.  Sadly, our mind is where man places so much strength and authority.  This is what man educates.  In human flesh we live from our mind rather than from our heart.  This morning, God told me He wants me living from my heart.  Let my heart speak to my mind rather than my mind speaking to my heart.  This may sound trite, but in reality it was an awakening for me.  All spiritual power resides and waits for us to access it but it won’t happen from our mind.  We need to awaken to the fact our mind is Satan’s playground.  I see this so plainly today where I’ve been confused for so long.

I hope this makes sense for you that read it and hopefully it will be of assistance for you.  God is an amazing God.  I am now ready and wanting to go into today and tomorrow as a victorious saint, so grateful for God’s miraculous work in my life.

Having been away from home for a week and now getting back to the routine, I am having a moment of reflection about the worthiness of things.  Yesterday, we had to be at the airport by 5:45 am to catch our flight home after missing the connecting one Saturday night.  All was fine except I had a very full day yesterday that was being interrupted.  The step study group of men was coming to our house for a BBQ celebration of their commitment and growth.  I was giving them some information about next steps with Celebrate Recovery such as writing their testimony and how to assist with leadership if they so desire.  All of this went fine.  Two of the guys couldn’t come due to birthday celebrations in their own families.

This morning as I reflect on this I am troubled.  The event is done and that’s just what I feel–it is done.  The entire day I pushed to have all the details ready and I really didn’t take any time at all to celebrate with the men.  Nothing was said or done to acknowledge their strides through this past year addressing their personal hurts, hang-ups and habits which had brought them to the step study in the first place.  This was originally the reason for the event. I was truly operating in my human side (old self)–pushing through to get tasks done and only seeing this as such.  The rest of this week has several more events which are beginning rather than ending.  Tomorrow night is the kickoff of the group called Conquer for men & women struggling with sexual addiction.  Wednesday night is our Celebrate Recovery kickoff and Thursday night we will support another Celebrate Recovery kickoff in a neighboring church.  Friday through Sunday noon is our men’s retreat in the mountains.  My eyes are now open again to the bigger picture–the people–God’s children.  I hope to learn a good lesson from yesterday.  The old me is still present.  I want the new creation God has made to move through this week taking it one day at a time, one moment at a time. I want to see these events as support for God’s children rather than simply tasks to be completed.

Kathy and I got delayed leaving Oklahoma last night due to the terrific thunderstorms so we missed the connection in Denver to Boise. I’m doing my first blog on my phone. The journey has these interruptions in it. I think I’ll not try to figure this one out. All my devotional stuff in packed and unavailable so this am it is God, Kathy and me. I’m thinking that’s a good thing. I’m sure I’ll have more to say tomorrow morning. 

I’m missing our church’s Celebrate Recovery kickoff intro this am. I know the ones being interviewed will do fine. I would like to see it. I pray hearts to be open. 

Today ends the week with my daughter and family here in Oklahoma City.  Yes, we had a wonderful time, got the work done she wanted and had a great time with the family.  God has taught me some things about Himself while being here too.  His work is all about Him and not any one of us.  Yes, we can and should be about His work which He leads us to do, but the results of any should always point to Him, otherwise it isn’t about Him nearly as much as it is about our ego.  I sure want my work to point others to my Heavenly Father.

God is so patient waiting for man to come to full realization about Him.  I can quickly jump to a conclusion that He is not interested in something or is being complacent about it.  This morning He was thorough in pointing out that what He looks for in completing His work is often not seen by man–at least at this stage.  The other thing is that we look for physical evidence while He is always working on spiritual one/s.  He does physical work, but His greatest work is in changing hearts to see Him.  I’m going to need much more time to ever get to this full awareness and then I will not make it–I’m human too.

There is much starting when Kathy and I get home.  This next week kicks off the new Celebrate Recovery year, kicks off the Conquer series our church is starting, a dinner tomorrow night at our house for the men who just completed the step study, and our quartet bringing the worship for our kickoff.  In all of this I am most anxious about our quartet doing worship.  Why, I don’t like admitting.  Something within me knows it is all about Celebrate Recovery brings to the open all my past.  I’ve always used my singing to keep others from seeing my past.  Somehow, these two will meet next Wednesday night.  I’ve always wanted our quartet to help with our worship, but this one item has held me back all 8 years thus far.  Now it is time.  My stomach is in knots writing this.  God will bring His work forth in this I know–I hope and pray.

Now for a morning at the Oklahoma fair with the grandkids and then to fly home.

Today is my second grandson’s birthday.  He is a teenager as of today.  He has been my buddy since the day he was born.  I pray God’s special anointing upon him.

I wonder what man’s ego was intended to be when God created us originally?  In the human flesh it fights so much with spirit-filled living wanting things to go just our way so we are comfortable.  Yet, God has given us choice so we can choose faith and trust challenging this ego-driven decision-making.  Somehow I find far more women able to do this faith and trust issue ahead of us men.  God reminds me that faith and trust are spirit words–they keep us in touch with spirit-filled living.  That makes me want to get much stronger at this as I truly want to live spirit-filled throughout each day.

God is also awakening me to just how much I weaken as the day continues.  I’m trying to figure out how I can strengthen my belief as the day continues but I haven’t been successful yet.  Celebrate Recovery tells us to reflect in our journals at the end of a day.  I need something mid afternoon.  I am asking God to show me what this is.  I’m sure it will challenge my ego because just writing this here as a confession is hard enough.  I’d like to think that at my age I’d be past this, but I’m afraid the struggle still exists of wanting to choose Earnie’s ways.

Have you ever watched someone/s struggle through a difficult decision-making time knowing they will “get there” but the process is causing much anxiety and grief?  I am in this at the moment.  I know I cannot fix it and I shouldn’t even try.  I also know God is in the middle of the situation too.  In fact, this morning He told me he cares for these ones even more than I do and He is their Father just as He is my Father so please trust Him.  We all go through times of growing and this is one of them.  Keeping all this in mind–I do trust and will trust Him.  In fact, because I do know this is all about His working–I can stand amazed in His Presence because He always works mightily and His outcomes are miracles when seen with our human eyes.  So, I say thank You Father for what You are going to do in this situation and time.

While here with my kids in Oklahoma City, I attended a bible study last night that one of their friends is teaching.  The topic was regarding fear verses trust.  A DVD was played and then we processed together what we heard.  I was awakened to something I haven’t processed through before.  This is the thought that when we are in the midst of troubles, whether it is centered around a recovery item or whether it is just one of life’s many issues, we usually have someone to share it with and we usually are willing to do this.  However, when we are facing something that could benefit us by taking a step of faith we often privatize our thinking and emotional angst.  I’ve always been one to do this.  I will openly talk about it when the time is past, but in the midst of it I keep all things quiet.  Never until last night had I thought about this being fear driven.  I am a man of much fear and I’ve always attributed it to my past.  Yet, God has taken me through so many steps to correct these character defects and now He is taking me through one more.  This one is about facing the future rather than correcting my past.  He is a God of today and tomorrow, not just a God who helps overcome the past.  I’m looking forward to greater learning in this area.

The voice of God, the voice of man, how does one decipher the difference?  God gives me a new creation upon my accepting Jesus Christ in my heart.  I do somehow believe the new creation is the gift of the Holy Spirit within me.  It isn’t until I quit relying on my own resources that I am more fully awake to the voice of the Holy Spirit within me.  Learning to live, see and hear in spirit rather than in flesh is a daily battle.  My flesh often wants to react to situations and I feel checked.  I think for me the hardest thing about spirit-living is surrendering my willfulness when I think my thinking and doing is best.  At times like this I don’t even check with my spirit–my old self thinking (in my mind) has always been right so why should I change at this point?  God is having me process through these times of late.  An example is a text message I got last evening from someone connected to a ministry I work with.  They had heard a  message about the ministry which had originated somehow from me.  Their interpretation was that I had been gossiping.  They were informing me that I need to be more careful with whom I talk.  The one texting me doesn’t know me well and I too don’t know them well.  I wanted to call them rather than text and say I don’t gossip.  I hate gossip.  To be accused of this is like a knife stab.  Yet, this morning I feel God’s Spirit telling me to let it go.  There will be a time when I can talk about this face to face.  Until then I know I have no ill-intent so I’ll swallow my pride and let it go.

Living in spirit intentionally as the dominant source of my life is an about face for me.  I know I’m going to need to stick with this the rest of my life and I want to.  I do pray the capability will increase and somehow I believe it will.  I know God is faithful and His Team are equally so–they being His Son Jesus and His Gift–The Holy Spirit.

 

Today my oldest living brother turns 80.  He is 6th from the oldest of my siblings.  I have a sis just older than him who turned 82 in July.  The first 4 are gone along with the one who drowned.  I know that death is inevitable but when this side of it is coming closer to home, it does awaken me to the reality of humanness.

I think you know I’ve been journaling to my Heavenly Father for the past few weeks.  In doing so He is presently helping me understand the difference between human-living and spirit-living.  I’m no scholar in this arena, but I have always been a person who wants to make something taught to me practical for me.  This is what I feel God is wanting to do with these topics.  Human-living is dominated by sinfulness and the effects of sin.  Death is one of them.  Pain and suffering are other results of sinfulness.  Secrecy is another result of this nature.  Now compare these to their counterparts in spirit-living.  Spirit-living is set free upon death for it is eternal; pain and suffering become discipline and light to be shed upon the parts of life needing examined in spirit-living; secrecy becomes a story to be told about how God has used our human life to help others overcome their own.  Our growth in our spiritual life is never to be held as a secret.  God wants us to use it for His Spiritual Work in the lives of others.

Somehow I’m seeing this secrecy issue as one our church, our present Christian population needs to examine.  We tend to keep our struggles (our pain and suffering) within so others are not “bothered” by our problems.  God is wanting us to share them so others don’t feel isolated by having the same or similar ones.  God also wants us to share our burdens one with another to support each other.  We have moved so far away from this except in the privacy of our own little conversations with someone we think we can trust.

The longer I walk in this new creation God has given me the more I am realizing just how much I have always longed to be this free.  Our secret shame, our troubling mind and thoughts, our present actions that may be sinful are only examples of things God wants us to share “one with another”.  His Holy Spirit is waiting for us to surrender our pride and humanness so He can take charge of our daily living.  It is then that we can become truly a servant to God and a helpmate to each other.  I am wanting to grow in this area with God breaking down these barriers I have built for so long in my life.