Today has always been a special day to me–it is my sis Bonnie’s birthday. She is the sibling just older than me and we were soulmates as we grew up. Happy birthday Bonnie!
I am co-leading a Celebrate Recovery Step Study on Tuesday nights. Our lesson last night was preparing everyone for the upcoming inventory. The process of doing the inventory is often what causes many participants to quit. The reality of doing it surfaces the rawness of whatever brought you to Celebrate Recovery in the first place. There is a very intentional path one walks in order to complete this. The results of doing the inventory should be cleansing for the one doing it. It allows them to safely share all the hurts, hand-ups and habits that have keep them in secret. I’ve done it 8 times now so this shouldn’t be anything new. However, last night I had an epiphany. The reality for me has never been freeing to do the inventory. Instead, it is a burden I feel I must bear as I once again bare my soul. Only last night did I start to understand why this has been so.
Everyone knows I’ve written my autobiography and I’m doing this blog. I’ve done this to support and encourage others to face their own demons of the past. I actually enjoy this in spite of the initial “yikes” I feel on the onset. Doing one’s testimony is the giving back to Celebrate Recovery which comes when you finish the step study. As I said, I get pleasure from this. So, last night for the first time I understood why I would find pleasure in doing the testimony parts: giving my testimony at Celebrate Recovery’s or events, writing my book, doing this blog, etc., because this I do for the sake of others. When one does the inventory it is done so you can help yourself. You have to come clean to yourself and to the one you trust–your sponsor. Deep inside me is a sense of “worthlessness” that the inventory brings out. I feel selfish when I do it and the reasons are for someone unworthy of the cleansing it is to provide. I got really uncomfortable as this truth came out for me last night, but this time I was able to face it as the lie it is. In my devotions this morning I was able to give this lie to Jesus thanking Him for the work He’s done in my life. I for the first time have a new found eagerness to do my inventory this go round. I love to hear someone say they have found their worthiness from their participating in Celebrate Recovery. Well, Praise the Lord, I am finding mine!