Little did I know a couple weeks ago what God was wanting me to learn about Him by journaling to Him. Journaling is very intimate for me. I do get into the anxiety, fears, doubts, bitterness and yet, the longings, deep yearnings I have. To be taking this to God my Father has been a real stretch for me. I just didn’t know the impact that dad’s early childhood abuse had on my belief system until I began to truly tackle it this way. I simply knew in my head that I would be judged severely if I ever talked to God the way I would with Jesus or with The Holy Spirit. I knew God had provided them so I could have a softer/kinder approach to this ugliness within me. God would not have any patience with me dealing with this. Well, I am beginning to learn just what God told me yesterday morning–He is the ONE of the Three in One. Yes, my dad did judge and punish severely throughout my childhood but God has been so deeply compassionate as I’ve begun to share with Him.
I had an interesting lesson once again last night. Before our Celebrate Recovery dinner started at 6:00 pm, I had our leadership team meet so we could finalize our kick-off structure on Sept. 21. I had had a couple of folks in our Celebrate Recovery group ask me why the quartet I sing with never sings for CR? I had told them we just didn’t fit the style of music CR uses. In reality, however, I was scared to death to actually sing for our group and hear the judgment which I knew would follow. As I have given personal thought to our kick-off this fall, I keep getting nudged to ask the leadership group for their wishes. Well, I was overwhelmed by their response last night saying–“I wondered when you would ever consider singing for us.” One of the guys said–“You hear this? Now just do it.” I asked God this morning for His insights for me. God tenderly pointed out that my fears were not His voice. The nudges I’d felt were His Spirit prompting me to ask. The groups response was His voice. He then went on to say that the harshness of dad’s messages were not from Him. He said that He had given me talent and gifts and I was withholding them out of fear and judgment. I now needed to let this go. Wow, what an awakening for me. The kindness of Christ and the tenderness of The Holy Spirit are all grounded in God the Father. I have much to learn here and I feel more brave each day staying on the journey with Him. All praise to God my Father!