Have you ever been hit by an emotional mack truck? Well, this morning, I have been. I hadn’t done my step study lesson until early this am. It is addressing TRUTH. The truth it is addressing is, of course, about yourself. I’ve recently been faced with multiple situations where I’ve needed to hear someone talk about my value. I’ve also had numerous times when God has brought this to the forefront. Well, the synergistic moment of all these times hit this morning and it is an internal explosion of emotions wanting to make me RUN to my cave.
The first question of today’s step study asks how I feel about doing another inventory of myself? I wrote I felt sick and half nauseous. It was odd to even face this because the first time I did an inventory I simply felt numb. It was about a year after doing the inventory that I went back to my 3 years of counseling/therapy where I had to be awakened to the emotional memories of my past. In doing that I had to connect to them. Even though God has used these memories in multiple ways to help me see truth about what those events did to my self worth, I haven’t had to come face to face with the demon of self-worth. This morning’s lesson brought me right in front of it. I know that my self-worth is a belief, not a truth. I also know that it impacts me but doesn’t define me. Well, these are things I know but when it comes to living one day at a time and one moment at a time, I usually fall into the old self becoming very fearful and anxious just as I’ve said several times the past couple weeks even facing this coming week.
I write this blog very raw this morning. I’m taking all of this to my step study men and will have to share it there. I know God will use it to help me move forward and through this. In all my therapy sessions God never failed to lift the burden of the memory from me and to replace it with how He uses it. Somehow I know (or at least want to believe I know) that God will use this miracle of crucifying this old belief today. Each one of us has to come to the point of knowing that we are “precious in His sight”. Precious isn’t defined by what we do, it is defined by who God created–us (me).
I go into this day with fear and trembling. However, I am going into it–trusting. This day God is doing something He knows I’ve needed to face. I face this demon with Him and know He will be the victor. I’ll be glad when the battle is done. To God be the glory–great things He has done (will soon be doing).