This is a trip with God that I am taking right now–not that any other one has been an absence of Him. Being on this trek of learning to know The Holy Spirit is proving to be very amazing. The lady accompanying me with this work is actually the head of the federal program work at our state department of education. She has only been in her position for a couple years and its our first time to work solely together. She is a Christian and a pastor’s wife.
On our lengthy drive yesterday I tested the waters of opening up to her about my quest to know the Holy Spirit. I briefly told her of my past and what my current endeavors have been. I was surprised to find her telling me she has a history of sexual abuse also. She actually then said she’d never told this to anyone except her husband and the counselor she worked with several years ago. My sharing with her allowed her to tell me she said. As we got past this part I was easily able to ask how she experienced knowing the presence of The Holy Spirit within? Yes, she’d struggled with the worthiness factor but had never struggled with the beauty and love of The Holy Spirit and His desire to be within her. Hearing this gave me the confidence that He felt the same about living within me.
Last night I had a dream I’ve had many times in the past year or so. It is a college setting dream where I’m on the cusp of failing a class where I actually love the content. I just am never able to satisfy the professor even though He seems to want to help me. He gave me a project paper back having lost most of it but I’d gotten a low B as my grade. It was my fault he’d lost much of the work and I knew it somehow. I awoke this morning with the same sense of “I will never be good enough”. As I started my devotions I had an instant sense of total emptiness and panic quickly replaced with the assurance I’m ok. My scripture reading was I Corinthians 10 where the 13th verse tells me that no temptation will ever be able to overcome me for God will provide a way of escape–Earnie’s translation. God had given me this verse way back when I was in high school. I’ve always believed it was going to be important to me someday for the truth of it was very assuring. However, I’ve just never yet been able to find the assurance for my “now”. It seemed I failed far more than I ever succeeded.
This morning as I began to journal about all of this The Holy Spirit showed me how the emptiness I’d briefly experienced was what Satan has always wanted to use to keep me ensnared. The replacement sense of assurance was His Presence within me. The way of escape God promises in I Corinthians 10:13 is through the Holy Spirit’s presence. I don’t have to prove myself to God, He proves Himself to me through His Gift of The Holy Spirit. He didn’t give The Holy Spirit to me so I could now prove myself worthy to Him. My choice to accept Christ into my heart so long ago was my step into worthiness–another gift and promise completed.
Satan has always made his deceptions so real to me but God is making His truth much more real now. How grateful I am today for finding this rock-solid truth. Amen and Amen!