I have been singing since I was 14 years old so that makes it close to 54 years. To be nervous before an engagement is one thing, but being fearful is another. I’ve not put any thought into this until very recently. Today I’m singing a solo with our church choir in the background. Almost without exception, when I sing I do so with music in hand. It is an assurance thing–I don’t often need to look at it but if I do, it is there. Our worship pastor doesn’t allow music to be used when in front. She wants everyone fully engaged in the worship and not depending on paper and a music stand. I understand that conceptually, but when it comes to a morning like today–my fears are screaming. I took it to God this morning because it feels so different than simply being nervous. Being nervous is largely tied to excitement where fear is largely tied to failure–He pointed out. Boy, is He right! Man takes away all my crutches and replaces them with faith in the director, the sound people, God and me. When I finally put all of this together while journaling this morning I realize the truth of this matter. I was able to surrender to God my total reliance on this team. It doesn’t make me less nervous, but it does much with the fear that cripples all my thinking.
The song we are singing is not new. It is titled, “In Christ Alone”. I’m going to say a little piece as we start connecting the message of it to my own recovery journey. That part I’m nervous about, the technical part of the song is what I fear because the timing changes in each verse/chorus and I’ve never done well with timing unless I have the music in front of me to guide me. This is where I fear failure and I’ve had enough criticism in my childhood to last a lifetime in this category. Well, in just 3 hours the test will be done. I’m going to remove the word test and replace it with assignment. Either way, I’m going to leave Christ in control for He is the One who has redeemed me and called me His Own. Amen and Amen.