When I started this intentional journey of writing my autobiography and then about 9 months later writing this blog, I did it to give help to the readers for their own journey. Today, however, I sense a desperate need in this journey for wisdom from outside of me. Maybe for a reader it is good to know one is not alone feeling helpless and abandoned. I write this and know I am not abandoned. No matter how tough a situation might be, I know beyond a shadow of doubt I am never abandoned. The assuredness of God’s presence is stronger than any feeling of abandonment.
For me the desperateness I am experiencing is due to a total lack of words and approach to an ugly situation. I’m not in control of it but it is very close to home so I want to be in control and take charge. God has repeatedly talked to me about my need to support only. Learning to support outside of control is difficult for me. My childhood taught me well that as an adult I would never let something/someone control me again. Yet, as an adult watching a situation where disregard is present, I want to step in and take control. So, I have this wretched anguish going on inside of me.
The peace in the midst of the storm is very difficult to find in moments like this. I truly don’t even like posting this message but I am driven to be honest about my journey so I am doing it. I’m going out to the raspberry patch to pick the first picking of them as I complete this writing. I always find God in tender ways in the garden so I’m going to seek this peacefulness as I conclude today’s entry. I still know God is good all the time and all the time God is good. Patience in the midst of this present storm is likely best found in the garden.