Yesterday turned into a day of tremendous examination. I had already had my conversation with Kathy about my pride early in the day. I had a meeting with a couple of our pastors about the recovery ministry work which went very well. When it was done I continued to meet with one of them as we typically meet weekly. I brought up pride which led us into a time of healthy examination. He said that pride identifies what we want to worship. He used sports and athletes for himself and men. I laughed since that was a very irrelevant topic for me. However, when gardening entered the picture, even though I’d never thought I worship gardening, we began to look at why we do and how we act with whatever the activity is. Are we selfish with the time? Do we covet? What makes us cheer and puff up? All of this stirred me to dig deeper into the roots of my own self.
In the afternoon I began to do the workbook of one of our recovery ministry curriculums for this fall. It asked me questions that boggled me. I began to see something I’ve not seen before (yet I’m sure God has wanted me to finally get here). I saw me as the one I most worship. I saw gardening, singing, consulting, teaching, leading, all these things I do as things which will give me value. I want to have pride in me. Even though I’ve had much counseling about my identity not coming from what I do, deep within me who I am still has roots to the doing part of myself. I could see God wanting to finally remove these roots so I can more fully do what I do completely for Him rather than for me and my value.
I’ve always measured pride against my dad who was one with gross pride and ego (at least to me). God wants me to let that measuring stick go and now have me let Him be my measuring stick for my pride. In all things He wants me doing for Him and in that my being can finally be satisfied. All these things I do He doesn’t want me to stop, He just wants me to do them for the right reasons. I’ve superficially understood this; today, it has finally begun to take root.
I’m sure there is more about pride God is wanting me to learn. But, the lesson for today was seeing how my past has greatly hindered me from moving forward in this area. I’m far more ready now.