I’m not a big sports fan. In fact I give no thought to sports most of the time. However, when grandkids are involved I have a motivation to go and support them. Well, last night my grandson’s team beat their opponent 49-6. (First game of the season) I found myself feeling sorry for the opponent. Those kids are human’s with feelings just like my grandson. Not to get lost in all of this, but it was fun to see my grandson play. He is extremely good which makes it even more fun.
Now onto this journey—Have you ever thought about the differences between these two phrases: “I love you” vs “I’m in love with you”? In our preparing for the recovery classes with a couple of the leaders yesterday I was given this as the definition of love being used in a perverted way. I love you means you are supported fully by me. I’m in love with you means a deep emotional commitment where my spirit wants to join your spirit. (Keep in mind these are all Earnie terms). I was not raised in a family where the word love was stated. I never had my mom tell me this except in response to me telling her this as an adult. I never wanted to hear it from my dad and I don’t recall ever hearing it either. I don’t find myself ever thinking I should say it. Mostly, it never comes to mind. However, yesterday when these comparative statements were made differentiating love I was hit with a sense I had to know what makes them different.
This morning I spent ample time with God regarding love and in love. Love surrounds us from God. The Holy Spirit enters in us with God’s love. When I am in love I desire to enter into the spirit of the person or if someone is in love with me they want to enter into my spirit. (Writing this sends chills down my spine. It is a huge awakening for me). I can hardly fathom any of this happening. What I pictured this morning with all this processing was my dad’s harsh, belittling times and words. I learned to protect my spirit at all cost from his words and disgust. Finally, as of yesterday’s conversation, I’m starting to see something I’ve never seen before. It is, “it is ok to let someone inside my spirit”. I don’t need to protect it. They are not entering into the heart of me to destroy me. I would never want to do this to anyone. Somehow, unconsciously, I’ve been protecting myself all these years–I thought.
When I wrote yesterday about the book on abuse I’m reading, I said how much it sickened me. Well, the words of the abuser that I now see in my dad entered into my spirit and tried to destroy it. I learned to try and protect “me” from it and in so doing learned to not allow anyone in. God is abundantly showing me I can now let this go. This is raw for me but I know it is genuine and true so I am trusting fully. God is wanting me to let His Holy Spirit fully enter into me and to let those He brings into my life for whom I say “I love”, I can say, “I’m in love with you” and be safe and ok with it.
I’m not sure this is even understandable to any reader. However, as the days continue, I will make it clearer as it becomes clearer to me. Also, if for some reason, it does make sense to you because you know this as true for you, I pray for your healing time. God’s precious Holy Spirit wants to heal us from all the past wounds we are carrying.