Spirit-living. I have a lot of adjusting and just plain changing to do in order for me to be fully awake and living each day in spirit rather than in flesh. Today I am replacing the oven door on my daughter’s oven. We won’t go into how it broke. The part was delivered yesterday as I was leaving for a meeting so I went from the meeting to do it. Well, I forgot to bring the old one which had one of the screws I needed. So, I’ll go this morning and finish. I also got a call yesterday that my meeting with the school district is set for today. This will be the district I consult with for the next 3 years. I was awake for a couple hours in the middle of the night anguishing all of this.
This morning I brought all of these fears to God and He seemed to tell me to write down the triggers for these fears which were keeping me awake last night. I wrote “incapable” of doing the simplest tasks, “incapable” of making strong decisions for myself or others as I work with this new district, “fears” I’ll destroy something from the decisions I do make, “fears” that in the recovery groups people will come and see their problems and walk away feeling even worse because nothing changed. As I wrote them out the word insufficient was screaming at me. I told God I was insufficient. He instantly reminded me that He is the Sufficient One. My role is to carry the Torch of Light for others to see Him so they can know His Sufficiency. This is not a new revelation but it being tied directly to a very anxious night helped me realize that even though I’ve grown a great deal in my relationship with God, I still desire to feel important–to be sufficient. The word insufficient brings with it all the messages of dad’s harsh words when I was growing up and longing to just once be important to him. Insufficient became my belief. So, I then try to not only carry the torch of Light for God but I then want to be given credit for the help the Light gives. My human ego wants to be fed calling me sufficient. My heart longs however to be pleasing to God so my heart is happy but my ego is waiting.
All of this I know ties directly into my learning about Spirit-filled living. I truly need to get myself out of the way so God will be in full control. It’s a little like Kathy and I working together in the kitchen. Both of us “attempt to control” so working together has to have an agreement first of who is taking charge otherwise we simply are in each other’s way. God is truly teaching me how to work with Him, letting Him be in control, I do my part and His Light will show what problems are there and when they are surrendered, His Healing Touch does its work. The gratification of being God’s servant is then more than sufficient to fill that longing to be worthwhile.