I finished my devotions this morning, refilled my coffee cup and went right to doing my recovery group lesson for tonight. I’m not working today so I had planned to use the time after devotions to finish it. Well, I did do just that. In so doing I forgot all about doing my blog! The lesson required each participant to build a timeline of their life from birth to present putting the pro’s of life above the line and the neg’s of life below it. This was actually last week’s lesson in part but none of the guys had put anything on it except for myself. I’d done this type of assignment before so it was easier for me to process through it. Tonight we are completing all that wasn’t done last week. Everyone agreed to getting theirs done.
In having done 7-Pillars (class for sexually addicted men) a couple years ago and now starting the class for abuse, I can finally see what I’ve never been able to process for myself. This is all about Christ living on the throne of my life and The Holy Spirit living within me. In 7-Pillars and in The Conquer DVD’s, the author says Christ’s throne is in the amygdala portion of our brain. I said at the time I thought “that was stupid”. Why would Christ want to live in the primal portion of me? Little did I realize at the time how critical this statement is. Now that I’m going through the class for abuse do I realize this portion of my brain was damaged severely from the early childhood abuse. I had so many false beliefs and fears controlling me. Only now do I see how critical it is to have Christ in this area for me. This is the area driving all the lies I have believed about myself for as long as I’ve lived. Even though I might fear something, Christ compels me to not be paralyzed by the fear but to step into it and complete what His Holy Spirit nudges to do and do it from His Strength rather than my own self-will.
Finally, I am awakening more and more to this reality. In all of this, the fear of telling becomes easier and easier because I do this through God’s nudges within rather than out of sheer self-disciple like when I gave my testimony 9 years ago to our Celebrate Recovery group. That night I can only remember starting to give it and then talking about it in the share group an hour later. The rest of the time is blank in my mind. I have no recall of it. That’s what my brain did with trauma when I was a child and it still has done this until more recently as I’ve been able to live and do what God wants done and do it from His Spirit’s nudges rather than from my own self-will. I’m so glad to be taking this class for abuse. It completes a hole within me that God wants filled with Him.