As I remain in this “halted position” for another day, God is showing me why. I was wondering why God had said yesterday that value came from helping “His kids”. I felt as though I needed to help myself. Then, I began to see. Satan has a masterful way of taking whatever is in front of us and turning it inward–to selfishness. God, on the other hand, takes whatever is before us and turns it into an opportunity for Him to be glorified by our using it to enlighten ourselves and helping others.
This morning as I began to journal I asked God about filling that hole in me left from surrendering all that I had been hiding. It didn’t seem that I could fill something by giving away something. God pointed me right to what I was doing at the moment. In my mind I heard Him saying, “What are you doing right now?” I was doing my devotions. He pointed out that this was all done for me so I could know Him better and build my relationship with Him. He reminded me then of so much I do. I garden, sing, work in education, spend time with family and friends, work with recovery ministries. All of which I do has a very selfish connection for me. All of it I enjoy doing too. I suddenly realized just how lucky I am! How many people do I know that have this opportunity to do all they do and love it as much as I do? Very few to be honest. What pulls me down in a day is when I let any of my past get the best of me. God has been showing me that when I let all I get to do be intrinsically valuable, I then fill that empty hole in me called value. I don’t need to use all I do to hide something keeping it on the outside of me. I can now see that this is me–a big part of me. I don’t need to hide behind it. It really is an extension of me. It seems I’ve gone off the deep end as I write this but it is important to me so I must put it here knowing there are likely others who have needed to work through this too.
When God tells us we can be “free indeed” (John 8:36) through Jesus Christ, He meant it. Now I’m finally seeing and believing this freedom for myself. It isn’t selfish in a sinful way, it is the freedom which empowers us to be free to share it with everyone around us in bondage similarly to what we’ve known all of our lives. Don’t give up until the miracle happens! God’s miracle is happening! How much I praise HIM!