Today the journey starts again. The halt is done. It has all been a mental/emotional healing, but now I am ready to step out once again in this world. In so doing, I am stepping out as a new child of the King. Let me explain. As I began my devotional time I read Blackaby’s devotional for the day where they were outlining the cost of Jonah’s disobedience and eventual obedience to God. God got His Kingdom work done through Jonah but Jonah had to be disciplined in order for God to achieve this. My scripture reading in Daniel told of his obedience each time to God in spite of what could have been the cost to him from man. God intervened because Daniel was obedient the first time and so were his three friends.
In the last few days I’ve grappled with the lesson of defining my abuse from my childhood and to identify its impact on me. This has been painful–very painful. This morning before I had even started my devotional time I had a split second glimpse of me when I was quite young. I use to like to play with my sis Bonnie. She and I would play dolls. I liked this a lot more than going out with my brothers who played sports hurting one another in so doing. All I remember from this is how I was criticized and belittled for it. I’ve told much of this in my writings of the past regarding dad and the foul games he’d pit us boys in. This morning God was showing me that He didn’t create in me any mistakes. What I enjoyed then I still do today–not the part of playing dolls, but using the time with others as a time to build relationships that are worthwhile. Bonnie and I would solve many problems during these young times. I’ve blocked this part of me for years and years from my memory bank not allowing myself to be this person. This boy was the one who became tempted by homosexuality. He was weak and unable to stand up to man. I smile as I write this because this morning God has been showing me how He uses me today. It is through building relationships with people that we overcome obstacles in education blocking kids and their learning. It is in recovery programs that He has us now doing that we help others (including ourselves) overcome the hurts, hang-ups and habits keeping us in bondage to sin.
I’ve not stood up for this boy I was and this man I now am. However, today I am good being this man–this creation God made me to be so many years ago. I wasn’t a mistake then nor am I now. Dad wasn’t a mistake in how he was created either. He just didn’t know how to bless God with who he was and accept others who were different from him. Knowing this, I’m going to live out the rest of my life not hiding, but being whole from the start of my life to the present and on to the end of my days. To God be all Glory!