Every morning before I write the blog for the day I read what I’d written the day before. It is for me a good connection to see what God is doing. It is also a time of surprises. Yesterday was one of them. I wrote about the HOPE lesson thinking it was finally in place in my life. After writing the blog yesterday I went into next Tuesday’s lesson in my Abuse class workbook. It started with the sentence: This may be the most difficult part of the entire workbook’s lessons. My immediate thought was that was good. I was glad to be at a place in my life where I could do these lessons with HOPE and not be overwhelmed. Boy, was that a naïve thought!
The lesson began with a pie graph of different types of abuse–21 to be exact. I was to highlight all the components of the categories which described my past. Talk about coming out of denial–17 of the 21 areas were highlighted. From there I had to describe the painful events of the past which caused me to highlight it. There were some of them I could write about for a week, but I didn’t need to do that in order to know the significance of it. I didn’t come close to finishing next week’s assignment before I was so overwhelmed I had to stop and call my sponsor. He had heard the hope lesson the night before and I needed to tell him I was a liar. In doing this much of the lesson I realized how much HOPE I didn’t have which was contrary to what I’d told the group the night before. These items were overtaking me again now that I wasn’t in denial about any of them. The assignment had caused me to question God all over again about why I wasn’t important to Him and why He’d placed me in this family to be raised by dad and to be a brother to the one? Why mom never cared enough to do something? My sponsor and I talked and that helped. I then called my wife who has been gone all week so we could talk. All of this helped to “reground” me. I went to my school district and had a good day with them.
This morning I will finish the rest of the lesson. I must say that during my prayer time when I was talking to God about all of yesterday’s stuff, He reminded me once again that now the items of yesterday are outside of me, His Son has nailed them to the Cross and they are buried permanently. As painful as the assignment is, it doesn’t compare to the joy from the freedom on the other side. I know this is true and this is the HOPE of last Thursday night’s lesson.