After last night’s class I was going to write this morning about one of our guy’s awakening from class. It was a good one which the curriculum for Mending the Soul is written to unfold for the participants. This gentleman has much sexual abuse from his childhood and a narcissistic father. However, God was wanting me to appreciate this man’s awakening, but He was also wanting me to find my own awakening from this lesson we finished last night. The stuff within me that the class was exposing was not to be hidden any longer.
My scripture reading this morning was the book of Malachi–the last one of the Old Testament. It is very insightful regarding God’s desire to restore his creation–man–to Him. The lesson we did for last night was about the effects of sexual abuse. This boy–me, was born into a family with a dad who adored sports and competition. He was a man not afraid of temper, anger, power, pride and rage–these were manly characteristics. My brother who used me was deeply damaged by dad’s humiliation and beatings. I was my brother’s pacifier. I made him feel good. These are things I’ve understood for a while now. For myself, I too was made to feel like I was less than a man because I wasn’t wired like dad. I hated competitive sports which physically hurt man. I also was sensitive to the spirit of man and cried when something was touching or someone was hurt. I was made to feel shame for who I was. My brother’s use of me grew into times when I would feel physical pleasure from his abuse. This would bring more shame. This hole in me left from a boy’s desire to be approved by his dad and affirmed by his siblings was hidden and stuffed away for life–I thought.
In all of my counseling and therapy I still have lingering times when this boy wishes to be affirmed. This morning I was able to journal this and ask God Himself to cleanse this hole of unworthiness in me and fill it with His Holy Spirit as Christ’s Work on the Cross promises.
I continue to stand amazed with God’s thorough and tender means of dealing with man. This class I’m taking is one more example. As painful as it is emotionally, it is so healing when one doesn’t any longer hide the truth it exposes. I love my Father for this!