How much God has wanted me to learn about the impact of my dear mother on my life! Yesterday we had a couple over after church. This couple is dear to both Kathy and me. As the day moved on I began to share with them about our recovery classes and the impact they are having on the ones attending. In so doing I shared about my current awakening to my need for addressing the depth of hurt I’ve buried for so long within me regarding mom. I didn’t read my journal entry from yesterday, but I was able to communicate it. Even Kathy was unaware as we hadn’t had the time to talk and she hadn’t read my blog from yesterday. It was good for me to verbalize what at that point had only been written.
I keep wanting what I’ve done to be the end of the journey’s work. Spending so much time on “self” seems so selfish! But I’ve sure learned that outwardly we look selfish if we don’t inwardly address the needs we house. This morning I found myself awake at 4:00 am knowing it’s time to get up and address more that God had for me to understand. I actually reread Mark 11:22-26. It is all about addressing the mountains blocking us. God has known all along I would someday need to address this mountain of unbelief He’d removed from me. Now it was time for me to finally see and address what He wanted. The amazing discovery this morning was seeing myself.
In the process of addressing my brother and the impact of his sin/abuse to me; addressing my dad and the impact of his abuse; now addressing the absence/neglect/silence of my mom, I finally see me. The person God created me to be is what is left. All the characteristics He gave me are still within me. The personality He gave me is still in tact. The gifts/talents He gave me are still present. God is showing me that when all the past is removed (this mountain of deception Satan has wanted to desperately keep in place) I am a creation of God. I’m not some ego-driven snob as dad would have had me believe I was becoming. I’m not a “girl” because I have some feminine strengths like sensitivity, enjoys some crafts, liking to cook, etc. I am what God made me. I am not what dad was trying to make me not to be.
I believe my most striking revelation this morning when I’d finally finished journaling was what I saw with this mountain removed. I saw my Creator. I don’t mean I saw this distinct figure. But I saw a presence which had nothing blocking us. I could spiritually embrace Him and let Him embrace me. I didn’t need to hide anything I am because He was the One who created me with all of this. He just wanted me to know I was good in letting man see all of me too. The stuff of my past need not make me hide anything any longer! Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!