The lesson last night in our recovery class was one that hit me in the bullseye. The unit we are into addresses shame and its grip on us. While doing the exercises which the lesson requires, one cannot help but see the lingering issues the past still has on you. It is quite amazing to take a big picture of sin and shame, nail it to the cross and it is another one to take all of the defects one is left with and nail each of them to the cross. Let me be more specific.
For a number of years now I’ve been addressing the sin of my brother’s homosexual use/abuse of me. I’ve nailed the sin to the cross many years ago. In fact it was at the Celebrate Recovery annual conference when I did this in 2015. This lesson on shame however, breaks the shame into all the different ways it grips us. If someone who has been abused gets completely honest with you, there will be some pieces of the abuse they actually desire. This was a huge awakening for me when many years ago my counselor pointed out that the sexual abuse turns desirous because it gratifies a natural body function. Even though the means of the gratification are abusive, the result for the abused is a “good feeling”. This very item brings about intense shame. Why would one desire something they know is abuse? Yet, it happens. This lesson addresses it and requires the participant to write about it which I’ve done. The next step last night was telling the group what these are. Confessing is said to be good for the soul no matter how tough it is. Once this is all done one can nail this to the Cross of Christ also.
During the night I had a dream which was haunting. I saw myself in the dream wanting to be gratified. I felt sick in the dream for it, but it was nonetheless true (in the dream). I didn’t give in to it in the dream but the desire was there. In my devotions this morning, only as God orchestrates, I found Him and His guidance. Sin is an awful, awful thing. But, God’s Grace is abundantly greater and more gratifying once we believe and take the steps to find it.
Today’s journal entry is tough for me to write but it is an important one. I don’t ever know who the readers are, but I will tell you that you are not alone if you identify with any or all of what I’ve written. Allow yourself the time to address whatever comes to mind rather than stuff it away as I’ve always done. God is patiently waiting to help each of us take the steps to find His Strength and Grace along with freedom from all shame.