Yesterday’s entry told of my awakening to self more and more. I thought I was more surrendered than I am. Jesus is now letting me see some next steps. This morning He showed me how I’ve known Him throughout my life as Savior. I’ve known since I gave my heart to Him I would be going to heaven. That fact has been pretty well ingrained into my belief system. Where I’ve had huge doubts is Jesus as Lord and King. Both of these titles are wrapped up in my distorted view of authority.
I’ve never questioned man’s need for leadership. I’ve seen this need all of my life. What I’ve learned is how deeply the hatred of my father’s authority during my childhood infiltrated so much of my belief regarding any authority including that of God and Christ Jesus. For many years I’ve known Jesus could be powerful, He just wasn’t for me. I thought that was about our relationship so I’ve tried desperately to earn His love. These past months and recent events of the past couple days have begun to take what I’ve known and uproot these old creation beliefs. I want Jesus to be Lord and King of me. I want to serve Him believing He loves me without any of the service I do. Little by little I see this being adjusted in me. I’ve just not known how deeply the old roots were.
This God we serve gave us Jesus for a very special reason. It has taken me a long time to awaken to the strength and power of this. To trust Jesus and to obey Him is what I want to do. In so doing I want to replace the old thinking that I am earning my love. I want this old thinking to be replaced with Jesus’ Truth–He already loves me (us) and I serve Him out of this Love.