As I stepped into the start of our lessons last night with the men in our group, I found myself becoming very awake to several details in the start of it that I totally missed a year ago. One in particular hit me instantly. The curriculum author states for us to start our daily time with God journaling. It tells to go deeply into your heart and the yearnings of it. Write them down. Let your spirit detail what is inside of you waiting to be noticed rather than suppressed. This is to start your devotional time with God.

I have journaled for years and have many journals filled. I have always journaled once I finish reading my devotional and then the Bible. I’ve thought I need to get my mind focused on what God wants me to read from Him. After that happens I can journal better to Him. Last night it became clear for the first time that my journaling needs to start with what is on my heart as I awaken in the morning. I have almost always awakened in the morning feeling stressed. A counselor told me not so long ago that due to all the years of suppressed emotions in my childhood I squelched my spirit to the point that only during sleep can my body deal with them. In the morning I start the cycle over trying to suppress them. What the author is saying is that I need to write them out so they are now on paper instead of being suppressed within me all over again. I told the group I was going to start this morning.

As I began my devotions today I sat down with my coffee, read my devotional, read my Bible and then picked up my journal to start writing. It was then I realized I was in my rut. I had totally forgotten last night’s message. I had done nothing to cause me to remember what my new directions were to be. I have thought my rut was a healthy one but today I realized it is an accommodating rut which doesn’t lead to the health God is wanting me to find. I’ve got a reminder on the top of my devotional so tomorrow I’ll start a new routine. What a creature of habit I am. God wants that addressed and I want to join Him in this too. Sometimes it isn’t fun knowing the humanness of me.