The topic of shame and its toxicity is looming in the faces of each member of our class of men in Mending the Soul. Three years ago when I went through this for the first time I could hardly handle completing each part of the lesson while I led it. And, that was after all of my counseling and therapy. Now I am watching and listening to six more men tackle this topic. One member said he felt no shame because he doesn’t feel emotions. I rearranged the question asking if the reason he never talked about his abuse was due to his being ashamed? To this he acknowledged its truth. When he realized the root of something he was ashamed of was shame, he began to understand and to allow the beginning of this ugliness to surface.
The walls of protection our bodies do as a child when abuse takes place are not easily broken down as adults. However, this is what God is doing for each one of us as we work our way slowly through this process. Awakening must take place before healing can even start. I had wanted my healing to be the absence of any memory of my past. However, today I realize that God’s healing was quite the opposite. Instead of removing the memory, He creates the desire to use them as devices to help others put a crack in their own steel doors which have locked away their trauma. The Light of God’s Presence in this darkness is such a new experience that one feels naked and very vulnerable–a very uncomfortable place for a man to be in.
It is humbling and rewarding to watch God work and to be a part of this work. Our God is so AMAZING!