When I was young and in elementary school I never thought of myself as smart. Yes, I could read well, I understood math and learned the rules of math but my home environment kept me thinking I was less than adequate. It was in junior high that I was said to be capable. I remember thinking this was a compliment, but it was just words that made me feel good for the moment. In high school I was told I could be in honor society if I kept the grades I got the first semester of my freshman year. I’d never heard of such a thing, but it motivated me to be intentional about my grades and learning and I graduated being in honor society. As learning got tougher in college I simply felt like I was “lucky” that I graduated and God just wanted me in education because I wasn’t good enough to do anything else. In graduate school the “lucky” term got really loud in my head for I knew I couldn’t be good enough to earn this degree, lucky was the only reason I completed my masters degree. I never went for a doctorate for I knew the luck would run out here and the truth of my capability would finally be visible to “the world”. I completed more than enough graduate courses to have earned this degree, but I wouldn’t allow myself to enroll in the program.
I write all of this because these same thoughts of incapability are screaming at me each morning as I begin my time with God. In each case He reminds me that He wants me reliant on His Capabilities–not mine. In my devotional this morning a portion of it read: “Why are you reacting to your life circumstances as if they are the final word? They are only temporary. Though you feel them and are affected by them, they must not be allowed to rule you. I want you to live from a different perspective.” I want you to live from the perspective of heaven–to engage with truth that navigates you through the difficult times, to be more aware of what I’m doing in the midst of chaos and conflict than how grim the circumstances look.”
God is teaching me to live in TRUST and to keep my eyes looking up throughout the day and not just at the start of the day. This is the most important learning I’ve ever addressed and more than ever before I want to be a good student!