I rather bared my soul with you yesterday.  It was good for me to have done that.  God gave perspective to much of it as I simply walked through the day.  One little incident yesterday told me a lot about myself that I still need to address if I am to walk fully upright as the new creation God has made me to be.  A week ago I was called by our church secretary.  A visitor had come to the church that afternoon to walk through the facilities.  The secretary took her on the tour.  As they walked through it the guest told her she had grown up in the brick church in the 70’s.  She mentioned my name a few times as her family was a musical one and she remembered my singing.  Her mom had recently passed away and she wanted to revisit her old stomping grounds before heading back to Seattle, her present residence.  The secretary called me to give me her name and phone number.  I remember her and the family very well so I called her.  It was fun to catch up about her and her family.  I mentioned my book which she wanted so I told her I’d send her one.  A week went by and I’d forgotten until yesterday afternoon.  I took one to the little post office (Huston) just a half mile from our home.  As I was addressing the padded envelope I purchased from the postmistress she asked if the book I was sending was a good one.  I froze!  I uttered a brief statement that it was my autobiography so it might be good if the reader liked it.  I waited a little bit and then told her my childhood had some sexual abuse and physical/emotional abuse which now I wanted to use my recovery to help others.  She instantly said she’d like to have one of them–know that I don’t know this lady. She’s new to her spot at the post office.  I said that I could bring her one when I came by sometime.  I finished mailing the book and got to the car where I realized I have a couple in the car I keep for occasions like this.  However, I couldn’t walk back in with one.  I drove the short distance home and told Kathy about it.  She laughed and said, “For heaven’s sake Earnie, turn around and give her one. She asked for it.”  I suddenly realized I was making this event all about me rather than God’s work in me.  I drove back and walked in with the book.  The postmistress said she’d not expected me for several weeks.  I told her the story and she laughed.  Like Kathy, she saw my anxiety but didn’t see “the Earnie pushing a book down her throat” like I saw in myself.  She quickly wrote me a check and thanked me for being so quick to get it to her.  She said she had a close friend who had a past like mine and she was eager to read it.

In 30 minutes I’m leaving the house for a follow up meeting with a gentleman regarding our Aslan ministry.  I’m taking him a book too.  He had given me money last week for one saying he’d heard I’d written my autobiography.  The sad thing is that I had one in my car a week ago but like yesterday, I was frozen in place and couldn’t walk back into his office to give it to him.  I have this awful feeling overwhelm me at these moments that I’m pushing myself onto them if I immediately walk back in with the book.  After these two incidences, I can finally see why Kathy laughed and the lady yesterday laughed.  I just need to get out of the way.  I’m going to try now to simply follow through if this happens again.

Today my head is spinning with emotional unrest.  God has already, in my devotions, told me to call Him Blessed as the Psalms I was reading did.  I have done that and I recognize the truth in that.  I have much from yesterday I am struggling to know what to do with it.  Family situations, my dear friend who is wasting away from dementia, A Celebrate Recovery man who is struggling with his son’s recent admission of homosexuality, a request to begin a Celebrate Recovery at the probation center where I spoke last Sunday night and more.  I know in my head what I am to do with these–pray for them and take them one day at a time and as God shows me what to do if I’m to do anything.  Yet, each one is dear to me and my emotional side wants to jump in and be right there for each of them.

Writing this blog has brought about something else I’m not use to dealing with and that is stating my struggles like written in the first paragraph before they are resolved.  My whole life has been living in the struggles I face silently until they are resolved whether good or bad.  I then will talk about them.  However, if I’m to tell my journey each day I need to tell what is actually happening in it.  My first thought as I wrestle with these is what I already do with my time that can be rearranged.  So I think about my singing in church choir which takes each Monday night for practice.  For anyone who knows me well, know I do love singing.  However, at this point in my life is God asking me to reprioritize what I do with what He has as His priorities for me?  I do know to wait on this and see what begins to develop.

For so many years I had the bondage of my past before me and within me.  Now that this past is a ministry of purpose being used for God’s Kingdom building, I want to follow God’s leading very intentionally.  I am so grateful there are doors opening to give help.  How to give the help and which ones are the ones for me to directly do are the items of today.  God is Blessed and God is Good–this much I know and the rest I will surrender until I have a more solid lead from Him.

Last night’s Celebrate Recovery Step Study was lesson 19–Crossroads.  This lesson focuses on our need to do a daily inventory:  the good of the day and the ills of it.  For the ills we need to own them and quickly repair them.  The interesting part of this lesson isn’t so much that these steps should be taken, it is that the first question centers around the strength of relationships we have established by now with self, others and with God/Jesus.  It solidly reinforces the truth that life is lived first and foremost for relationships.  We cannot have strong relationships if we keep injuring them and not addressing the injury we caused.  The Crossroads lesson allows us to address the significance of this and to help us establish a new habit or way of living each day so when we fail we can see it, own it and correct it quickly.

There is one question asking: “What specific relationships have been repaired or improved?”  This brought me to share with the guys my current awakening with God my Father. Having a fulfilling relationship with Him is (I’m grasping for words which can describe what I wish to say here).  I’m simply stunned and amazed to finally awaken to the truth that I don’t have to earn my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  What I’ve known in my head for much of my life I now know for certainty in my heart and spirit.  When I shared this with the men last night one of them said, “Wow Earnie, that’s really deep stuff.”  My thought was that this was never intended to be deep by God.  Sin’s deception is what has kept me and everyone else believing the lie I’ve had.  I’m so humbly grateful to finally be fully awake to this.

As I step into today’s journey I am starting to realize something very fundamental.  For years I’ve heard that a person’s relationship with God the Father is directly connected to their own relationship with their dad.  I’ve always poo-pooed this as I completely separated God the Father as my Heavenly Father and my earthly father as my dad.  That was good enough for me and besides, comparing the relationship seemed ridiculous.  A Heavenly Father would never be like my dad was.  I have been deeply impressed to now come to terms with this connection.  As I read my devotional, as I read the scripture, as I journal all through my devotional time, God is not letting up on this need.  I think I mentioned a couple days ago that I started journaling to my Heavenly Father each morning now instead of to Jesus.  This might seem trite, but it isn’t to me.  This morning God was pointing out to me that I did this as an alternate route to Him.  The reason I’ve taken the route of journaling to Jesus is that He isn’t my Heavenly Father and I could trust Him more easily.  It is now time to come directly to God my Father and place my full trust in Him.  He did not create this life to make it a sport or game.  He is life and He has me in life to build a trusting relationship.  He gave me Jesus Christ to show me the way He intended it to be done and He gave me the Holy Spirit to replace my wounded spirit.

I’m needing to pause as I write this and capture my wits about me.  I’m on the verge of breaking down in tears.  God has never wanted Him and me to have the relationship I had with dad.  This morning He has been pointing out to me that the longings I’ve had in my heart all these years are safe to share with Him and to know they will never be labeled as dumb, stupid or “Where in the world did that idea come from?”  He actually told me I should start this type of intimate sharing with Kathy, my wife.  She has longed to know this about me.  Once in a great while I attempt to do this, but the moments are few and far between.  I’m sure all this ties to my struggle with intimacy also.

I feel rather raw sharing this, but I do know the time is right for me to step into it.  God is waking me up to something very fundamental for which I want to now do. I want my relationship with God to be comfortable in His presence, rather than hoping the work I’m doing for Him is making Him happy with me.  He seems to want this too and that’s what seems so tender and precious right now.

Before I started today’s blog I reread yesterday’s entry.  I did this because yesterday’s writing was expressing a revelation God had made for me.  As I began today with my  daily devotions I found myself feeling drained physically and emotionally.  I wrote in my journal that I felt like an empty reservoir now ready for spring snow melt and rainfall.  Yet, it is August 1.  I also knew that speaking for the detention center teens last night was very draining.  I was feeling the results of it.  The kids, about 30 total, were very attentive during the talk and then the last 30 minutes were their questions.  During this time the revelations of their stories, their abandonment, their literal training from home to lie about the truth of their lives, etc., were overwhelming.  At the moment when I was in front and attempting to listen to them and respond with the Holy Spirit’s lead I felt empowered.  This morning is different.  I’m left with these kids’ faces looking at me, the stories I heard from them, and the knowledge that they are at the age I was when the abuse was still happening or had just about ended.  Yet, they don’t need to live another 50 years in secrecy, isolation, choosing poorly and ending in jail/prison as many of their own relatives–and they themselves are in this center.

Their questions about how to find God, how to hear God, are difficult–I had the same ones at that age.  God lived in my heart but accessing help from Him didn’t seem to happen.  Only now do I see the handiwork He was doing.  The one lad, most troubled with his torment, came up afterwards apologizing for some of his outbursts during the questioning time.  He said he just didn’t know what to do.  I asked him if he knew what not to do?  He said he knew that much.  I told him to simply do that much.  At that point of “not doing” ask God for His Light in what to do.  This is the step of faith.  That much seemed to register with him.  Everyone of these young people is a treasure to God but for most of them, they don’t know that and I didn’t either at that age.  Join me in praying for them.

After getting home last night I went out to cover the swimming pool.  My granddaughter and her friend had been out in it while we were gone.  It was getting dark so I was in a hurry.  As I was walking the edge of the pool I got too close to the pool’s edge and slipped into it.  My cell phone was in the pocket of my shorts so it is now dead.  Somehow this jolts me back to reality.  I’m going to court this morning for one of the guys in our Celebrate Recovery and then I’ll head to the Apple Store.

This morning started with an unusual sense of peace for me.  As I sat down to begin my devotions all I could do is say thanks to God for this unusual sense  I could only describe as coming from Him.  Yesterday, Kathy and I had lunch with friends from neighboring Emmett, ID.  As we visited I was telling him (who is a pastor) about my current struggles.  He was reminding me of what I had put in yesterday’s blog–to be aware of the evil attacks and how devious Satan and his angels/demons can be–even to the degree of seemingly light carriers.   As I was taking a moment to reflect in this sense of peace this morning I thought I should read the prayers in the spiritual warfare pamphlet I have.  The specific ones were for:  spiritual victory and wearing the Armor of God.  Each prayer began by speaking to God–Heavenly Father.  I hadn’t noticed this detail until this morning as I’ve read/prayed them before today.  This morning, however, there seemed to be a reason I noticed them beginning with “Heavenly Father”.

As I finished my devotional reading and scripture reading and began to journal I thought I would go ahead and journal to Father God rather than Jesus Christ.  It was when I wrote this that I began to receive some real clarity.  In John 17:6-26 is found the prayer Christ prays for His disciples.  In the prayer He says starting with verse 15, “My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.”  I realized it is our Heavenly Father who is the ultimate protector.  He is the One and Only True God.  Yes, indeed, He gave us Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit but He didn’t give them to us to replace Himself.  He did this so They could lead us to Him.  Maybe this is only a lot of words to you, but for me, it is hugely significant.  With my years of abuse I had come to the conclusion I wasn’t important to God, at least not as much so as other men.  I had learned to live with this and resorted to earning my way to significance.  I’ve written this in my book and written about it numerous times in this blog.  So, this morning, journaling to God my Father was a step of faith.  In my journaling I heard God say to my spirit that now I am finally home in clarity.  He has always loved me and He wants to be my protector and my God.  Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit point the way to Him.  Yes, they are part of the Triune God, but their purposes are to lead us (me) to God.

This peace I felt this morning I now know wasn’t just a freak moment in time.  God was very present in Spirit and wanted to give me clarity to what He has always offered me–protection.  Tonight I give my story to a number of teens in a detention center.  I’m told they have all been abused in their past and have chosen to step into illegal practices as a result.  I want them to hear from one who also knows abuse that there is another path that can be taken–the path of God the Father through Jesus Christ His Son–Praise the Lord!

My day started this morning at 3:10 am.  I awoke with a testimony on my mind–one I still needed to revise/finish.  Tomorrow evening I give my story to the teens in a juvenile center in Nampa.  I think I mentioned about 3 weeks ago meeting with the chaplain of this center.  She had read my book and wanted to meet.  In doing so, she asked if I’d consider telling my story to the teens as she felt they’d benefit from hearing it.  I had sent her my testimony from Celebrate Recovery unsure it was what the kids ought to hear, some being as young as 12 and 13.  After reading it she said it was right on track for them.  I had begun to make some minor adjustments yesterday morning but hadn’t finished.  So, this morning I had it done by 4:15 am and was then able to return to sleep.  When I’d finished my devotions I typically sit down to the computer for the blog’s daily entry.  However, I had all this yard work I wanted to do while it was still cool and I forgot momentarily about this.  I don’t suppose any of this makes a difference to a reader, but it does point out for me that my journey into these “old and special” years needs post it notes everywhere!

I have been struggling of late with temptations to flee as in my “not so long ago” days.  I was asking Jesus about it this morning and He reminded me of this work we are doing: getting an academy built for teen girls being trafficked, starting an adult sexual addiction ministry at our church, giving my testimony tomorrow night to a highly at risk group of teens, the Celebrate Recovery ministry, etc.  And I asked why I would be under attack?  I do tend to bury myself in what I am doing and have blinders on to what is happening around me.  I need people sensitive to the environment reminding me to be aware and not caught off guard.  As my prayer warrior told me, I need to adjust my “helmet of salvation” so I hear the voice of God when it is needed.  I don’t know if this tendency of mine is genetic or if it is a result of my abusive past, either way I’m needing help with this character defect so I don’t find myself vulnerable for these attacks.

OK, now it is back to the yard!  God’s blessings to you.

This is truly a journey I’m (we) are on.  Everyone’s journey will eventually end with the same result–death.  However, these days of living are ones where Christ wants us free in Him so when that day of ending comes, He can tell us, “Good work, my faithful friend.”

Yesterday was another day of experiencing God’s work.  It started with a meeting for the Aslan ministry–the academy being started for girls who have been rescued from trafficking.  Three of us met with a potential provider of land.  It was a very enlightening meeting.  If we were to work with him and his non-profit group, our land would be donated and labor would be done in part by the interns in their program.

In the early afternoon a good friend and accountability in Celebrate Recovery came over with his daughter so she could swim.  He and I met so I could go over some inventory items I wanted to address with him.  Now that my personal recovery is where it is I am recognizing “my part” and I needed to address it out loud with my accountability.  It took years for me to fully awaken to the fact that the abuse of my past wasn’t my fault–now it is time for me to recognize what my part is in my present living.  Examples are the character defects I carry such as the ones I wrote about in the last couple days. I don’t want to blame them on abuse.  If I’m to overcome these behaviors I need to own them and then surrender them to the One True God who is my healer.

Last night Kathy and I hosted a meeting for a new ministry our church is starting in the fall.  It is for men and women who are struggling with sexual addiction/patterns of behavior.  The statistics regarding this need are staggering but because of the topic it is often left unaddressed by most churches.  Sadly, there are many pastors struggling with this struggle just like their congregation is.  I myself have my own struggle as residue from my personal past abuse so I’m so eager to have this finally starting.  Celebrate Recovery identifies this as one of the addictive behaviors this ministry addresses, but the need is so great and the denial is equally as great, the struggle needs its own attention.  This ministry along with Celebrate Recovery can support one another and that is what our meeting was about.  We don’t want these competing with each other.

All these ministries are wonderful–but none are worth anything if they aren’t bathed in prayer.  Man cannot face the demons within these addictions.  Man loses each time he tries.  However, Christ has already won this battle and so we start this ministry with the VICTORY of Christ’s work for each of us on the cross of Calvary.  To the one struggling, all they know is that now I’m exposed.  However, in coming forth with this step, one then begins to find the Victory of the Cross.  Amen and Amen

Yesterday’s post had me taking a couple steps to reach out to some of the guys who had reached out for help a couple weeks ago.  In so doing I will be meeting with one of them.  It was a good lesson for me to learn.  In fact, one of the guys in our Celebrate Recovery share group last night said that “outreach” is reaching out.  I’m glad that character defect I’ve been struggling with is now out in the Light of God so I can see it for what it is–wrong thinking.

Yesterday, along with reaching out, had several disturbing elements in it.  Things like men who are struggling with their addictive patterns, one who has a court hearing next week for which I’ll attend with him, problems that I can’t share here but need prayer, etc.  As I was in my devotional time this morning I was journaling about all of this and what my role ought to be.  Jesus instantly brought to my attention that I can release to Him all of the burden I was emotionally carrying.  He is the Great Healer–not me.  In fact, what I had written in the journal was about how He carried the weight of the world’s issues and I just had the weight of a few here in Caldwell, ID.  That is when He enlightened me to my role and His role.  I am a supporter and not a healer which doesn’t need to carry worry and anxiety.  As I write this I see another character defect coming to light.  Wow, two in the same day–I best go back to bed!  In all sincerity, I am so grateful to God for all of this enlightenment.  My lifelong journey has always had these crippling moments emotionally which I buried.  It is good to have them in the open so I can let Christ’s healing power address them and I can serve Him with more freedom.

Every Tuesday night is step study with the ones attending from our Celebrate Recovery program.  The lesson was Grace.  How I love that lesson!  The interesting twist in the lesson is that we are to learn to extend God’s Grace as He has extended it to us.  We do this by making amends for the wrongs of our past and learning to do this quickly if we wrong someone in the present.  We also learn that Grace is a gift from God which has no strings attached.  When we offer Grace to someone else we are to do so without any expectations from them.  If we have expectations, we are not offering Grace.

With all that said, I was really taken by a statement one of the men gave last night.  We had a newcomer arrive to Celebrate Recovery a couple weeks back.  He is really hurting, one could see.  This gentleman from last night stated he’d been prompted to contact him and was now going to be meeting weekly with him.  This gentleman was new to Celebrate Recovery last winter and already he is finding the Grace of last night’s lesson and is starting to give back.  I was touched by this, but God had more than a touch He wanted me to receive from this.  Monday morning, two days ago, I knew I didn’t have anyone I was meeting with through this week.  I knew I’d met with 8 different ones a couple weeks ago but this week was empty.  What I felt God nudging me with from last night’s action from this gentleman was “reaching out”.  I have been waiting for people to reach out to me rather than my reaching out to them to see if they would like to meet.  All this became really clear this am when I was journaling during devotions.  As a child I was an eager beaver to do things and particularly do things for others.  I would even ask if they wanted me to do this or that.  My dad would ridicule me severely for this saying things like:  “Who do you think you are anyway?”  Dad saw my actions as egotistical for whatever reason and he did a good job letting me know this.  So, I learned to let people ask for help.  Celebrate Recovery would call this a character defect–man’s teaching rather than God’s teaching.

This morning God was showing me that reaching out isn’t egotistical when I’m not trying to get glory from it.  He wants me (us) reaching out when we are offering His Light to an area of hurt/bondage life has crippled someone with.  This morning I’m going to reach out to a couple of the guys I know are still hurting and this time I will do it without guilt.  Oh, and by the way, I think this is part of being a new creation.  I need that reminder too.