Today’s journey has me very torn.  Coming home last night was one time of only a few when I’ve gotten home to find myself sad to be here.  I always get home looking forward to getting the yard work caught up, checking on what’s growing in the garden and whats about to bloom in the flower beds.  Seeing the grandkids, reconnecting with the ministry work has always been fun.  Today, all I can do is hurt for those hurting.  God has already informed me that He is not absent from the hurt.  He has shown me that just like He has taught me to rejoice and learn from pain, He will do the same for Bonnie.

There is nothing like death to awaken the critical importance of living for God’s Kingdom purposes while we are here on earth.  We are so easily sucked into the events and activities of the day.  I am not the kind of person that will evangelize the world, but I do know God wants me to be a light of and for His Work.  I know too, to look with the spiritual eyes He has given me to see where He is working and then to join Him.  I do want to be far more awake to this as I live each day for my Lord and Savior–Jesus Christ.

I’m at the San Diego airport waiting to board my plane headed home. It’s been a time of tears, hugs, laughter, dishes to wash and all this repeated several times a day. I’m so glad I was able to come. Randy’s service will be on May 20 so we will return for it. It’s amazing to watch a helpless person gain strength one day st a time with Gods help and love. 

Several break throughs were witnessed in the past week. Even Bonnie’s two sons said they noticed their mom doing better than they’d expected. I know the grieving isn’t over but the process is bringing forth strength not known before because of Gods grace. 

It is nice to be going home but it’s more rewarding to know You have been doing Gods work with Him. 

Today is to be my last day with Bonnie before returning home in the morning. We got a call early and my other sis Alice needed to get to quick care. I went and got her. She suffers from anxiety and was truly suffering. We are at the doctors now and they are taking blood to run tests. I know God is in control. 

Bonnie is doing well. I am too.  Once we get Alice home we have several errands to run to get life insurance processed, etc. this Journey the past week has been difficult but rewarding. God is always good and I praise Him for this. 

This morning I’ve been touched with Gods sensitivity once again.  Bonnie and I plan to tackle some financial items that need to get cleared up so she can know how to move forward with her life. She’s ready to do this today she’s told me.  As I’ve done my own devotions this morning I’ve been touched by Gods guidance.  

 God is truly a family God. His own family is complete in Him–Jesus and The Holy Spirit and He wants us to be a family as we complete each other in Him.  Bonnie’s boys are already showing their strengths in taking roles to help Bonnie–their mom. If I do anything I want to simply assist in this process. 

God models for us how He wants us to live our lives. Getting our selfishness out of the way is so important. Once we do and begin to not only find Gods ways and then begin to risk trusting them, we then start to see how futile our selfish ways were compared to His. God is so Amazing. 

Yesterday was a gift from God. From the moment Bonnie and I began to share early in the morning to spending the day together, God was visibly working. When I asked God yesterday morning during my devotions what He wanted me to know for the day He had given me a message for Bonnie. I was insecure in wanting to share it however when she joined me in the kitchen she was obviously hurting. She said she needed some messsge that Randy is ok. So I told her what God had given me and she just wept and wept saying that was exactly what she needed to know. 

All my life God has been the same intimate Almighty God. However, this loving, compassionate God is revealing Himself so much and I’m so humbly honored to begin knowing and learning this about Him. Thank you God my Father. 

God is so good. It shouldn’t be amazing that He’s so good yet I find myself being amazed each time I see what tremendous work He’s doing. Bonnie is struggling of course, yet God has been showing Himself in so many tender ways. He’s such an intimate Father!  I’m learning to love Him far and above what I’d ever known before. 

As I started my devotions today I was heavy with concern for Bonnie.  I was also weighed down with all the weight of burdens I was carrying for some others and also weight I was carrying that I wished others would carry in responsibility but weren’t.  As I write this I see my first glimpse of me being co-dependent.  We probably all have our moments of this.  Anyway, as I got to the journaling part of my devotional time I asked God to show me where I was off track.  Immediately I could see that I was carrying all this weight as the old Earnie, not the new creation Jesus made me to be.  The new creation sees already where God and Bonnie are working together.  I recalled at that moment Bonnie’s words to me yesterday when we talked.  She said that she had been able to “forgive God for taking Randy home.”  In my own selfishness I was wanting to be there with Bonnie.  I didn’t want someone else helping her, I wanted too.  This wasn’t for her, it was for me.

Today I am ready to better help as a new creation.  The other weight I was carrying as I awoke is already gone.  I knew how to let it go once I recognized the fact I was carrying it as the old me–worrying.  As a new creation I can see in spirit that Randy is abundantly complete now and joined with a host of loved ones awaiting his arrival.  In my spirit I can also see Bonnie eventually seeing this same picture.  I am not the one to help her see it, God will complete His work when His timing is right for it.   Of course Bonnie is grieving, that’s the humanness.  God, in His timing, will help her to look up and see His Ways.  Bonnie’s spirit is alive and well but clouded with human burdens at this time.  I and a host more of family and friends will also assist as God’s timing opens the door for it.  Thank You Father.

It is nice to be needed, and it is also nice to be supported.  However, for some it is a lot easier to support than to accept the support.  My sis has always been a supporter and her husband was just the same.  As I was asking God this morning to help me know how to support He reminded me to look with spiritual eyes and hear with spiritual ears.  Even though Bonnie and I have been very close all of our lives, we have differences.  Today I will listen and watch to see how to best give kindness and support.  I was also reminded in my one book study that the relationship God pursues with us is real and personal.  In listening to Bonnie last night, she told me about an act Randy’s life-long friend did for her just yesterday.  It made me realize just how real and personal God is and how He uses us kids to complete His kindness if we are listening and responding to Him.

One more thing God showed me this morning is that it is hard to listen to Him and hurt at the same time.  We become to self-focused when we hurt and listening is harder to do.  However, that is a good time for others to do the listening.  For these reasons I want to be an awfully good listener to God today to see how to give this needed support so it completes what God is doing.

This day began rather early, 4:00 am.  I had a phone call from my sis, Bonnie, just older than me who lives in S. California.  Her husband Randy died in his sleep about midnight.  She said she called because she needed to hear my voice.  We both wept.  This was all so unexpected.  Randy had fallen asleep on the couch after Bonnie had gone to bed.  Bonnie awoke to find that he was gone.  I don’t even know why I’m putting all this in my blog except to say, it is part of today’s journey.

Life is so fragile and we so often forget this piece as we live from day to day.  Randy and Bonnie had 47 years together.  They have 2 sons and daughter in laws.  Each of them has a young girl.  They are a close-knit family and I know they will pull together to support one another.  Kathy and I will leave to go down as soon as we know the right time to be of support for them.

God is good and His kindness is also just as good.  I started to wonder why God would take Randy at a time like this, but then I was reminded of this truth–God is good and one of his fruits is kindness.  It will be good to watch Him work with Bonnie and her family at this time.  Prayers would be appreciated.

This day started with me awakening at 1:17 am unable to sleep.  I found myself anxious about items that were on my mind.  I didn’t know they were bothering me so much until then.  I was brought to an awareness that even though they aren’t major things in life, I was anxious because they were out of my control.  Even though I surrendered them many times during the night, I didn’t fall back to sleep until sometime after 3:00 am.

This morning in processing these items with God I realized that as God and my relationship builds I can’t expect the same relationship to be in place with others in my life.  God was showing me that our relationship is ours, not theirs.  Of course some of these are family members.  I would love for them to have a close relationship with God, but I do know that they must be willing to surrender as I’m learning to do.  My learning is only mine.  I can’t transfer it.  If I try to push it on them, all I get is resistance which feeds the wrong learning.

The other thing I’m learning from this is what intimacy/sensitivity looks like in real life.  All my years, God has been faithfully waiting for me to awaken to my need to fully trust Him with my past.  Now I do and tell it when the door is open.  His intimacy and sensitivity has all the fruits of the Spirit in it.  One is these fruits is patience.  God was telling me this morning that His patience can be mine if I will open my eyes to see with spirit instead of with flesh.  I really needed this today.  These defects of character are rooted in me but thanks be to God, He is faithful in chipping away at them and replacing them with a new sensitivity.  No wonder I (we) love Him so much.  I tell Him to hurry up, but then that falls in that patience factor again!