Last night’s lesson from Conquer was a tremendously powerful one for me I’ve been pondering since.  This is the statement that got me:  “When the Holy Spirit ministers to men in sexual bondage, He will often encounter them at the place where they’ve been wounded and give them new memories.”  These words aren’t taken from scripture, but from leaders who work with struggling men.  However, when I read this in the study guide it gripped me with this unsettled truth.  I knew immediately the Holy Spirit had more He was wanting me to know about my past memories from abuse and His part in this.

This morning I’m reading in John 16.  Christ is telling His disciples that they needed for Him to leave this earth so His earthly body could then be replaced with His Gift, the Holy Spirit.  It is amazing to me each time my devotions match perfectly with the message God is reinforcing for me to learn and become.  When I began to journal I asked God and The Holy Spirit to reveal what they wanted me to know about my past memories.  (I need to add a piece here from my therapy days–when I would connect to these memories in therapy I’d always take the shame, guilt, anger, etc., from these times and place them in a safe place where they could never rule over me again.)  But last night’s lesson seemed to awaken a deeper meaning for me.  So now back to this morning.  I asked the Holy Spirit what new memories He wanted me to have because I knew there were many of the memories of my brother’s sexual abuse that still haunted me even though I talk quite openly about them.

The first thing the Holy Spirit showed me was that my brother was seeking love, comfort, affection and intimacy that was never given to him.  His abuse to me was never intended to hurt me but to fulfill a longing within him.  These particular things had been shown to me before but this is how it started this morning.  When I asked the Holy Spirit what He wanted me to know from my part this is what happened:  The Holy Spirit revealed to me that the roots of my brother’s abuse still were deep within my brain. In the heart of my emotional being.  That is why I still have struggling moments about the old self.  He went on to show me He was lifting those roots out and replacing them with Himself.  He will now be my security for which I will run when temptation hits or Satan tries to throw the identity of the old me in front of me.  I’m still raw with this but I know deep within me that a work has begun I will use often.  To God be the Glory–great things He has done (and is still doing).

God is not done showing me some things He wants me to know and learn from last week.  Fundamentally, I know I am never to look again at a week like last week with dread.  That word dread is definitely part of my old self vocabulary.  I am learning to replace the word dread with anticipation.  The environment of “dread” is dark and dreary.  The environment of “anticipation” is light and motivating.  When I am facing things that in my past made me insecure and where I heard the voices of my past condemning me, I need to stop right there and surrender them and change my focus to anticipation.  I even wrote in yesterday’s blog how God used each and every situation of last week as an instrument of His work.  The deeper lesson for me is found in the word–TRUST.  I no longer want to put my trust in my capabilities, but put my TRUST fully in the One I serve–Jesus Christ, Father God and The Holy Spirit–The Three in One.

Yesterday had its own situations to face where I was brought into the equation of man’s dilemmas.  I was much more able to stay grounded in listening for The Holy Spirit’s nudges  during the deep conversations rather than thinking “I” had to be “the wise one”.  Boy, I hate these confessions, but they are good for me in getting the truth of the old me out in the open so he can be replaced fully with the new me in Christ.  These character defects need to be fully replaced with the characteristics of Jesus Christ so I reflect Him much more fully.  The anticipation of the new day is so much more rich when I see myself surrendered and trusting.  Thank you Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit!  I so love your patience.

The week I had been dreading is now past.  Without exception, every piece of the week and it’s assignment is now finished and God was glorified.  I think my learning in all of this has been to find my role in the bigger picture.  When I was young and so much abuse was taking place I learned the skill of survival–doing good things to compensate for the wrongs and doing this by myself.  I couldn’t rely on any person’s help or else I’d need to confess all the abuse that was happening to me.  I would simply be strong in me.  God is shattering this character defect now, wanting me to learn the importance of working with Him and His Spiritual Team and with the human teams around me that He has created.  My part isn’t all that matters.  This part I play fits into God’s bigger picture of His Work.  I find myself anxious so much thinking somehow that my part mattered to the point of making or breaking a project.  Now, I see that this role of projects is God’s part.  I can relax and do my part with integrity and allow God to do His part.

This coming week has some meetings and projects in it which need me to take part in finding God’s purpose and direction.  My voice will express a portion of influence  in some secular items with the school district I’m assisting presently, as well as with some ministry work.  The persistence God was wanting me to have a couple weeks ago has shown me how my thinking needed to be connected to His Purpose.  The old-self thinking of doing it all myself was lingering.  I am much more awake today to my role in this week.  God is showing me how important this way of approaching each day is.  No matter whether it is Kathy and I with things about family or my part with matters outside our family at church or at work, I am one role in a much larger picture that is very important to God.  Look for unity of Spirit–God’s Spirit.  I know this within me and I can improve greatly in letting it dominate my mind as I go through the day’s work–one moment at a time.  To God be the Glory!

I am really glad today is here.  It is December 4th, the choir musical is this morning and when I come home about 12:30, it will be finished.  As I write this I realize that the old me would actually write this and spend the time this morning enduring the performances to the end knowing I didn’t do all I could.  This morning God showed me something I haven’t realized until now.  (He has been showing me many of my character defects of late).  The old self has always known he wasn’t able and the light was only on him and these weaknesses.  Today, God broadened the scope of His Light for me so I could see a bigger picture.  One of the things I’ve struggled with in doing big productions is the time factor weighing against the worthwhileness of the production in bringing people to God’s kingdom.  We all spend so much time in prep and see nothing in fruit from it except the sayings like:  “Oh, that was wonderful”, “Wow, you guys did a great job”, “I loved it when….”, etc.  Today, God showed me that these times are seed planting times.  Today’s event is very emotionally stirring.  It surfaces things people bury–what Celebrate Recovery calls our Denial.  It is events like this that awaken the need for people to reach out to a ministry that can help them find the PEACE OF CHRISTMAS.

The burden of doing well in the program is my part as well as each of the others involved.  It is God’s Holy Spirit that will ignite within those who come their need to address what may be buried.  The new creation I now am can join this group effort.  I can stay in the spirit of the program praying for those who experience it and need to be awakened.  I lose this opportunity to be God’s servant if I stay in my old self worrying about “my part”.  It is amazing the peace that comes when God enters the picture fully because it is now HIS PICTURE that I’m participating in.  I help plant the seeds and let God do His part.  How Great God Is.  I love being one of His gardeners!

Wouldn’t you know that the day following the one where I expressed my struggles facing issues that I can’t control or facing temptations that haunt me, I’d have a devotional time which squarely addresses it.  When Satan attacks he wants to “kill, steal and destroy every good that God has in mind”.  For the first time this morning I see that his goal isn’t to kill, steal and destroy what God has in mind solely for me, His ultimate goal is to show God he has control of His creation–you and me.  I am nothing but a pawn to him.  His deception doesn’t want me to realize this, but the evidence of the truth which sets us free tells a different story.

God wants total surrender from me.  The evidence of this full surrender is the fruit of the Spirit:  love, joy, peace, patience, long suffering, gentleness and self-control.  In these we find true joy.  When we step into a selfish act we find joy missing.  Yesterday was a day where the joy could have been easily missed, but God had a different plan, He wanted me to know from yesterday that joy is found from obedience to Him.  He is such an amazing God as well as friend.  How I want to continue to awaken to His Ways for me.

Today is the 3 hour dress rehearsal for tomorrow’s choir musical at church.  My guts ache as I write this just from the sheer knowing I will have to do it without script in front of me.  I only sing throughout but memorizing has always been one of those nemeses for me.  It is one of those which makes me want to flee and never sing in something like this again–ever.  Then I look at those characteristics given from obedience:  love joy, peace…. and compare them to what Satan wants:  kill, steal and destroy what good God has in mind.  I quickly see who I’d be succumbing to if I fled.  My trust is in my God and my obedience is to Him.  How I love our Father.

I was up at 4:20 am today to catch my flight from Lewiston back to Boise.  By the time I got home I was going to skip today’s entry but felt immediately checked because the day is part of my journey–even though it isn’t so great.  Somehow it is much nicer to do this blog when I am reporting positive growth or awakenings.  Today it seems I am finding problems and issues and it would be much easier to skip the day since I’m starting late, but I do know that we all have days like this so how does God tell us to handle them?  Well, I did my devotions when I got home and He has already reminded me that I am to recognize I am a new creation everyday–not some days.  He also reminded me that I have accountability support and that I don’t need to carry burdens alone.

I am awfully glad to be home so I can work through what needs to be done from here.  I also feel much more connected to support when I am home even though a text or call happens just as quickly a few hundred miles away–proximity is sometimes important.

So, everyday isn’t a perfect day, but keeping focused on the fact that God is my Lead as a new creation and I am to surrender all of this frustration.  I can watch it come together as the day goes on just like any other time when I sense this.  So, thank you Father God.  You are not only my Strength, you are my calm assurance.

Today’s journey has me in North Idaho conducting a review of programs in a school district.  I am working with some amazing people and the review is going well.  As I begin to get closer to each of the ones I meet and work with I want to step into their walk with God.  This morning as I was journaling I asked God to open the doors for this to happen.  When I asked God later in the journaling what He wanted me to know for the day, he said, “I want to remind you that I don’t need your zeal to replace mine.  I want you to act on the opportunities I create, not the ones you create.  Know the difference.  If you listen to My Holy Spirit you will know when to plant the seeds I give you.”

Boy, did I need this.  I will be leaving the district at the end of the day and I was thinking I had to be sure and know that each one was grounded in their walk with God–at least I feel compelled to address this.  God’s reminder was a good grounding for me.  He is in charge and I want it that way.  To God be all Glory.

This journey of today has me squared away in the middle of the week I dreaded only a few days ago.  God was very clear when He told me to persevere so I could see what surrender and trust looked like.  Now that I’m into the week and into the deeper part of the work of the week I can see just how faithful God is.  All the anxiety I was sensing last week is gone.  Of course I have my moments when I have to find a hotel where I’m staying, a district office where I’m to meet, etc.  But as I take each of them one at a time and use the tools I know to use (mapquest & google maps) I find each place well ahead of schedule.

I am out of town for a couple days so may be a little sporadic about the daily entries until I get home on Friday.  The musical this weekend still has me on edge if I dwell on it too much but God is faithful in reminding me it is His work and not mine.  I don’t have to earn anything but to be obedient and trust.  That’s what I want to end this week and weekend being able to say–I was obedient and trusted God instead of worrying and being anxious.

Yesterday one of the guys I check in with daily said he was anxious about several items.  I asked him to check in with God and see what He has to say about it.  His reply was, “Wow, I think I just got a reminder to live in my new creation.  I had forgotten this piece for a moment.”  This comment is one I find myself using every so often.  However, the more I do it the more I find that it isn’t just some cute saying, God truly means it when He tells us to live in the new creation Jesus Christ gave us.  It is transforming when we actually give God’s work a chance in our own personal life.  Thank you Father God!

The journey of living in this human flesh is a continuous learning and awakening opportunity–learning to not lean on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5) and instead, to fully trust in the One I can’t see but I can still know.  As this becomes more real to me I begin to understand what living as the “new creation” Jesus gave me when He died for me on the cross.  It was in the dying that my old self was crucified and in His rising from the grave that my new creation was formed just as He demonstrated with Himself.  It has taken me all these years to more fully comprehend this.

I’ve mentioned before about synergy–taking what we know and combining it with what we haven’t known and the outcome is something far more mighty (powerful) than anyone would have imagined.  An educational researcher by the name of Bloom, created a hierarchy of learning called Bloom’s Taxonomy.  At the base of learning is knowledge.  At the top of the taxonomy is synergy and evaluation.  If the synergy results in something spectacular the evaluation concludes you want to repeat it.  If the synergy creates an opposite to this our evaluation is that we won’t want to continue with the work.  I tell all of this because God has been wanting me to take what I have known for so many years and apply it to what I believe.  If I know God is Almighty, All-loving and full of Grace, why wouldn’t this be true for me?  I just couldn’t believe it as I couldn’t believe I was worth it.  Add to this knowledge that Jesus came to replace our unworthiness with His worthiness and then apply it to what I believe.  This is synergy in spiritual terms.  All of a sudden I have within me the new creation God had promised all along.  I’m trying to explain what has transpired within me in the last couple days.  The synergy of combining what I know with what I believe has given me a humbling assurance that has a power to sustain and stabilize.  I never need to vacillate about who or what I am.

This morning God told me I had been listening all my life to the voices in my head that fed me lies of worthiness.  The voice of God feeds truth, grace, strength and focus on Him–God Almighty.  This will be the voice I listen to throughout my day each day as I live one day at a time, one moment at a time as my new creation.  Please join me in this if this has been a struggle for you as it has for me.  God’s Almighty Army is waiting for us to put on the armor He gave us in Ephesians 6:10-18.  I am now ready to fight the good fight–I Timothy 6:12.

Today’s journey has already led me right to God my Father.  Yesterday I told you about the step study lesson and coming face to face with the hurt of my past.  During the lesson and sharing with the men while I also listened to them, I found the root I’ve never wanted to address–HURT.  Somehow in my mind, I had developed a mindset that became a severe character defect.  This defect of character was that I needed to be strong so the hurt of my brother and dad would NEVER win over me.  I could DO GOOD and this would replace the hurt.  Well, 66 years later I guess you know the outcome of this defective thinking.

In today’s devotions I was being shown that God wants me to now surrender this hurt fully to Him.  His upgrade for me is the Power to Tell that this crippling hurt of abuse is gone.  The power is now in the telling of it.  I never need to be ashamed of my story because my story is one of God’s redeeming love and grace through His Son Jesus Christ. The empowerment is God’s infilling Holy Spirit. My story is now their story. I’ve known all of this for years but finally this morning I was able to receive this message without the anxiety of–“but God, this is me, the one who is only this….”  That defect of thinking is finally obliterated by the blood of Jesus on the Cross.

I am presently reading the Amplified Version of the Bible with feature notes and commentary by Joyce Meyer.  It just so happened that in today’s Bible reading she tells her own experience of God giving her the choice of being pitiful or powerful.  She says she was raised in a home of dysfunction where she was sexually abused for almost 15 years.  She had wallowed in the self-pity long enough and God had brought her to this point of decision.  She chose God’s power and with this decision He has built a mighty ministry.  My journey today needed me to have the same experience.  I no longer need to fall into moments of self-pity.  God has been wanting me to receive His Power–His very Holy Spirit.  Today I welcomed this gift and thanked God for it.  No one knows any better than me the unworthiness within ourselves, but I now am able to fully recognize that I am worthy because Christ is my worthiness.  Because of this I received The Holy Spirit with open arms ready to do His bidding for this day.  To God be all glory!