Today begins early morning in Joseph, OR.  The morning air is so cool it almost has a chill to it.  A nice break from the desert heat of home.  On our drive here yesterday I got a call from a close friend to pray for his son.  This son with his parents had earlier in the week gone to a recovery center for drug detox.  His call was to let me know that his son had walked away from the center the next morning and no one knew where he was.  Of course I prayed.  This young man is very close to me.  Within 15 minutes the father called again to say his son had just called.  He was at the home of a widow friend.  He wants to stay there and try to detox on his own.  I won’t step into this choice, but I will say that God is so good having the son call his dad.  That in and of itself is a wonderful answer to prayer.  God is so patient and good at taking each of us one step at a time.

The events of late for me have opened my eyes to a clearer reality I’d like to explain regarding my journey of present.  Not so long ago I would have been feeling fully exposed having had 8 conversations one on one with people about their abuse and my own.  I would be feeling raw and extremely vulnerable.  This isn’t true now.  Instead, these feelings have been replaced with the desire to pray diligently for these ones caught where I’ve been.  On July 31 I’m speaking to a group of youth at a detention center in Nampa, ID.  The chaplain for the center had read my book and asked for me to speak as many of these kids know my story first hand.  The anxiety I so recently knew is turning into a deep concern to do God’s Kingdom work.  No longer do I feel the paralysis of spirit to tell the raw truth of my past.  This is all God’s story of His redeeming power.  If others can benefit from this–to God be the Glory!

Not so long ago I wanted freedom from my past–I wanted this freedom to be the absence of my story and the raw, powerless feelings I had from its control of me.  God is replacing this with His definition of His freedom.  This freedom is to keep the story real and remove the raw, powerlessness.  He is replacing it with the strength to let this story be a torch of His Light and His Love.  Only God does such work as this.  My selfishness wanted the story removed.  God, instead, wanted my story to be our story which made Him the main character.   I’m so grateful for the purifying power of His presence and for never answering my prayer.  I would never want to restrict God’s purposes for me.  I just want to say–thank you Lord.

Yesterday I started with the note regarding the phone message.  After I’d finished the post I called the friend who said she’d be my prayer warrior.  She prayed with me and gave me some sound scriptural advice like remembering to put on the armor of God.  I really appreciated that.  Nothing more came of this.  It was a good reminder to be on spiritual guard.

Last night one of our own men gave their testimony for the first time.  He has been coming to our Celebrate Recovery for about 2 years now.  He’d been part of another one for a couple years prior to that in another part of our state.  Much of his story centered around anger.  It triggered in me so much of the anger I grew up knowing and fearing from dad.  What was really beautiful however is that his story ends with him having made amends for all his choices earlier in his life.  It also goes on to describe how he’s learned to make quick amends for choices he makes in living life one day at a time.  I loved hearing all this.  It was a sad reminder that my dad died a sad man because even though he had his relationship with Christ, much pride remained and crippled him from addressing the mistakes he’d made and the relationships he’d injured.  I am most grateful God and my counselor had me repair this damage with dad prior to dad’s death.

Today Kathy and I leave for Wallowa, OR where she was born and raised.  Her birthday is Saturday and there will also be a family reunion from her mother’s side of the family that day.  They are a fun-loving bunch so we are looking forward to this.  I even get to do some yard work for Kathy’s sis where we will be staying.  For people who know me well, this is the motivation for me to go!

God continues to remind me and awaken me more fully to the reality of sin’s damage and man’s pride.  There are many, many people stuck in their past but crippled to address it out of fear/pride and things just like this.  He continues to remind me to be patient with them not knowing where and who He is working with, but to simply be ready to do the part He  wants me to do when the door opens.  He is the one who takes responsibility for opening  doors.  I want to trust always in Him.

This morning started as most do–having my devotions which end with my prayer time.  In this past week I’ve placed the ones I met with last week who are struggling with bondage of their past.  You know about this if you’ve read the blog posts.  Before starting this morning’s post I got my cell as I typically use it while writing when I need to find a scripture reference, etc.  There was a voice mail on it that I quickly listened to.  It wasn’t a number I recognized and the message was evil and disgusting–none like anything I’ve ever experienced.  I have a prayer folder which I grabbed and prayed the “prayer to remove demonic harassment”.  I have sensed in the last couple days that the messages posted are stepping into strongholds that have entangled so many of us in confusion, deception, shame and depression.  Yet, beyond a shadow of doubt I know I’m to be doing this.  I cherish your prayerful support.

Last night in our weekly step study for Celebrate Recovery the lesson topic was Forgiveness.  In everyone’s recovery this topic is huge.  It doesn’t matter if the reason for it stems from personal abuse or causing abuse to someone else, it is a huge topic.  The lesson defines three areas of forgiveness:  accepting God’s forgiveness, forgiving others who have hurt you and forgiving yourself.  A question each one must answer is which area of the three is the most difficult to accept?  Without exception the responses were forgiving self.  In all the step studies I been part of, this has been the common response.  I know from personal experience that the hardest thing to let go of is our own personal involvement in sin whether it is sin done to us in abuse or sin stepped into on purpose.  The ugly deception of sin deceives and binds.  But I also know that the New Creation Jesus Christ gave us does not live in this bondage any longer.  His Freedom is secure as long as we live in our new self one day at a time.

As I was concluding my journaling this morning I asked Jesus as I do each day what He wanted me to know from Him?  He said that He wanted me to live in today.  Today is where His Light shines.  Do not go into tomorrow for there lingers only the darkness of deception which creates our worry and anxiety.  I will strive to do this–Live in the Light of Jesus today–one day at a time, one moment at a time.  Please join me and thank you.

As I started my day today with my devotional time I needed to take the people I’ve met with recently to God and just sit before Him to find my next step.  All but two of them are working through their struggle with help from ministries and/or counseling.  The two that weigh most heavily on me were the ones stuck.  I made contact with one of the young men who is fearful of help in that people he trust also know his father.  The second one is a young man whose father met with me.  He has stepped into acting on his homosexuality.  His parents want to support him but are troubled by the spiritual truth regarding this action.

As I was bringing this struggle before God this morning I was reminded of my own story.  God was reminding me that when I was in my early 20’s I had no known man supporting me or no known man even aware that I was struggling so much.  On the other hand, God was fully aware.  He pointed out what I tell in my story of the ones He brought along side me.  These people helped me use the gifts God gave me for right purposes–Right purposes in God’s eyes.  I thought I was doing this to earn my value to God. God, on the other hand, used these as continuous gratifying moments in my life.  I was awakened that this is how I should be praying for these two young men.  Bare with me here–Sexual gratification is truly an exhilarating moment.  However, God has taught me over the years that there are other exhilarating moments from life when we are obedient to His leadership.  God tells us to not step into temptations that scripture has defined.  We think we are being robbed of the “sin’s gratification” because of this.  However, we never know the gratification God has waiting for us when we wait on Him.  I wasn’t conscious of what God was doing at this point in my life, but I can sure be praying for these moments for these young men.

I am not sure I’m making sense of this.  It is what I talked about with the dad I met with yesterday afternoon.  By the way, I did call the person God was laying on my heart to be a prayer warrior for these individuals and me.  She was very willing and said this is something she can do at this stage in her life–God’s timing is always perfect.

The Aslan Ministry needs a site.  Your prayers for this would be most appreciated.

I got up this morning realizing how much a couple weeks of continuous emotional strain weighs on a person.  If I ever wake up feeling exhausted it is usually because my allergies are screaming and I’ve not been able to sleep or breath during the night from them.  However, today seems to be more about enjoying a half a day without any real expectation.  God has been impressing upon me my need to start a prayer team to pray for those I’m meeting with as well as for my own spiritual/emotional strength and constancy.  So far He has given me one name and I will talk to them today.

At 3:00 pm today I am meeting with the father that I talked about yesterday.  I felt like I was giving a sermon when I wrote yesterday’s blog.  I never intend to preach a sermon as I never have been led to preach.  What burdens me in this picture of homosexuality in today’s world is the unscriptural premise it has.  Also, when those who oppose it speak forth they do so with such venom it makes the ones supporting the cause think all of us are venomous.  Having loved my brother dearly, yet hating his abuse of me, it is easy to separate the sin from the sinner–as Christ tells us to do.  The other thing that’s really frustrating for me is that there is nothing man can really do to “take away” this temptation.  No one can take away a person’s desire to drink or use drugs or gossip, etc.  No one can take away this temptation either.  However, I found myself journaling this morning to Jesus realizing my  reason to talk with this dad is to assure that this isn’t a man’s area to help.  Our role is to support and pray.  When the person is reaching out, that is the time for support.  When they are not reaching out, that is the time to pray.  This is a start at least.  When man tries to support when someone isn’t asking for it, it is usually received as intrusion or manipulation.  God is the one who does supernatural work–not man.  Overcoming temptation and sin is supernatural and it is what Christ does.   He does ask us to support the one in need in prayer.  All of this seems somewhat harsh.  If any reader wants to comment I’d appreciate the thoughts.

On a very different note, I’ve become part of the board supporting a ministry for trafficked girls.  I’ve talked about it.  It is called Aslan Christian Academy.  It seems we’ve lost the sight we thought was secure so I’d sure appreciate prayers for God’s light to shine on the right one.

Does two times in one week mean a habit is forming?  Both yesterday and today got a late start in writing the blog post.  Our company left this morning but said they’d like to have some of the garden veggies to take back with them.  So this am when I’d finished my devotions I went to the garden to dig potatoes and onions, pick some squash and cucumbers and finally pick a bucket of apricots.  They were planning to leave by 7:30 or so which was fine except I had to be at church by 8:00 am due to the worship I was helping lead today.  All this to say that I’m late again.  I hope this isn’t annoying to some of you that take the time to read these.

Yesterday afternoon I had a man text me that he’d like to meet as soon as we could find a common time.  His son had announced to their family that he was gay and had a partner.  This had been a troubling week for the family trying to adjust to this news and then how to handle moving forward with it.  He has recently read my book.  We are meeting tomorrow at 3:00 pm if you’d like to be praying for this time and for him and his family.  Sin is sin.  Temptation is temptation.  I say this because homosexuality is identified in scripture in some distinct ways as sin if it is taken beyond the temptation by acting on it.  Just as any other temptation becomes sin, it is all about the choice we have to surrender it to Jesus or to actively indulge in it.  This sounds so black and white to write it this way, but in reality, it is a black and white issue.  What isn’t so black and white is the struggle.  Our mind and our society have made this particular issue very perplexing from man’s point of view.  I do know that anyone with the struggle feels like they weren’t given a choice about it.  They have known this struggle from the time their sexuality began to develop.  That piece isn’t the choice we are in charge of.  The choice we take charge of is the one of stepping into the temptation to act on it.  I do not know life without same sex thoughts.  I’m sure my brother who was gay didn’t know life without them either.  What I’ve been asked is if my thoughts were due to his abuse?  I just say I don’t know and at this point in my life, it doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that I keep God’s command in scripture as my guide.  I know that the pleasure man seeks from sexual participation is strong and hard to resist.  However, we will never know the strength and pleasure God has for us if we fulfill our own gratification by choosing other than what God’s scripture says.  The sexual temptation in the heterosexual world is just as sinful if it is taken out of the bounds of marriage as scripture also states.  God gives us His directions regarding this loving act.

God’s kingdom work is before (me) us.  I ask for your prayers as I move forward on my journey.  To God be the glory!

My journey today was interrupted from the start as far as man planning man’s day goes.  I walked into the kitchen about 6:00 am to get my first cup of coffee and have my devotions to find a guy waiting at my front door from our Celebrate Recovery group.  He had done this one other time when he had relapsed.  I expected a similar story.  However, today, he wanted to talk about his father who is critically ill in the hospital and his life in general.  By 8:00 he was on his way. I, on the other hand, was to meet a couple other people to look at some property for the Aslan Christian Academy I’ve recently begun supporting by joining their board.  The original property they thought they were going to be building on has gone awry.  All of this is another story but it has kept me from my original routine.  While I was talking with the potential land seller he shared that he was interested in helping trafficked teens because he was molested as a young child by a neighbor man and it had continued until he was about 10.  This led me to tell him about my story.  I ended up giving him a copy of my book which he seemed most appreciative receiving.

I was visiting at noon time with the gentleman who is staying with us this week along with his wife.  We were recapping how many times this week I have talked with abuse victims.  It has been an unusual amount:  5 in 6 days.  I always pray for this but am always stricken each time it happens.  It is just sadly true that there are many silent victims afraid to speak the truth of their hurts, hang-ups and/or habits for multiple reasons with guilt and shame almost always topping the list.  God is good however in that He is faithful in taking our mess and making it into His message of love and redemption.  To God be the Glory!

Last night I had the privilege of talking with a lady who has been broken.  Our quartet was singing for an event at a church in Boise, ID.  It wasn’t a very large crowd so after the dinner we had everyone gather their chairs and move closer to the place we were singing.  We were to do an hour’s worth of music.  Each of us 4 guys in the quartet had selected a song to talk about with scripture and personal story reinforcing the song’s importance to us.  I had chosen the song:  He Didn’t Throw the Clay Away.  I used the scripture II Corinthians 4:6-11 and II Corinthians 5:17.  These verses tell how our bodies are remade by Christ–fragile as a clay jar but filled with Christ’s Holy Spirit as we give our lives to Him.  And in 5:17 it says “we are a new creation”.  I told how all this has been such a huge struggle for me personally.  I wasn’t worthy of a new body.  Mine was so tarnished, yet Christ has been needing to convince me that His work on the Cross hadn’t left me out for I am a new creation too.  A lady in the crowd was wiping tears the entire time I talked and while we sang the song.  As we ended the evening her husband came to me thanking us for coming and thanking me for my testimony.  He said his wife was really touched by this.  I went to his wife who opened up saying her story is much like mine.  We talked for 45 minutes.  This morning I journaled that I was surprised to see this lady so broken.  Christ immediately reminded me why He has us doing His Kingdom work so why should I be surprised?  This journey is very humbling.  Christ is chipping away at this old belief system of mine and little by little convincing me to more fully trust.  I gave this gal one of my books which I pray will be an inspiration for her to reach out for the help she needs in breaking this bondage of abuse.

Yesterday morning I had the privilege of meeting with a gal I thought could help with our Aslan Ministry.  She can alright, but I also found that she wants me to speak to the youth at the Juvenile Detention Center in Boise where she is the chaplain.  I didn’t know her at all but she had been given my book which she’d read.  She told me she hadn’t thought anyone had a dad like hers until she had read it.  She wanted the youth for which she ministers to know they don’t have to live their lives entrapped in the bondage of sins the world has given them.  Most of them have a history of sexual abuse and severe physical/emotional abuse and they are preteens and teens.  This will take place on July 31.  I will appreciate your prayers.  God is an amazing God.

There is a topic that keeps resurfacing for me in my daily journey.  This topic is “surrender”.  I was teaching our Celebrate Recovery lesson last evening and its topic was Gratitude.  Gratitude lesson emphasizes principle 7 which tells us to “reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will.”  I’ve never taught the Gratitude lesson until last night so my processing this lesson has always been from the receiving end.  Yesterday’s process was different.  When I am teaching I have to be sure I have the lesson’s full understanding so I pass along the author’s intent for writing the lesson.  Little did I know God had a huge purpose in this for me.  The third part of principle 7 says we can gain the power to follow God’s will.  It goes on to say that we get this power by  reserving a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading and prayer.

I know that when I examine myself, reflect on my day, I can easily see when I do something for selfish reasons rather than for God’s Kingdom reasons.  These selfish ones are the ones I must surrender.  However, now I am at a place in my journey to learn to surrender them ahead of acting on them.  I also know that God’s word tells me in 2 Corinthians 12:10:  “For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  It is these moments of temptation to be selfish that are my weakness.  So if I am to ever complete principle 7’s learning of gaining the power to follow His will–I must surrender when I am weak so I can then be strong.

What has brought all this to head for me has been the last couple days–meeting with people who have struggles from abuse similar to mine.  These times do make me recall many old memories.  Yet, these memories are now the very ones God is using to help someone else overcome their personal battles.  For this I am most grateful–the gratitude lesson of last night.   However, when all is said and done I find myself tempted to take a moment and self-gratify as I use to when I’d pull away in “my cave” as I’ve referenced in earlier blogs.  These are my surrendering moments.  Last night’s lesson brought to head that the gratification of fulfilling God’s Kingdom work is far richer than a momentary gratification that leads to guilt.

In all this I am also learning that I can’t just surrender at the beginning of the day and expect it to hold true for the entire day.  The moments of temptation come to me when I am tired and alone.  I’m never tired in the mornings so I want to be far more awake to all of this during the day.  I want to begin the era when I can examine myself at the end of each day and sense the gratification of a day well spent completing God’s Kingdom work and surrendering the moments I am weak so I can fully find “the power to follow His will.”

The journey of yesterday was a real testament of The Holy Spirit’s leadership.  This wasn’t just true from the standpoint of the meetings with people, but it was also true about how things got adjusted and fit so nicely with the next one and so on.  As my day was to begin I thought I was to have a couple hours in the morning to do some prep for today’s Celebrate Recovery lesson as well as for a concert our quartet is doing tomorrow night.  However, shortly after I’d done the blog yesterday my cell rang and a man I sponsor wanted to meet.  He is in the present step study for CR and needed to talk through some points of struggle.  That appointment took the couple hours ahead of the young man’s meeting.

As I walked into the meeting with the young man I was amazed to see the boy I knew from his elementary years now as a young man who makes two of me.  Yet, the spirit of this man is no different than his spirit was when he was young.  He is one of those people who desires to work with people as a helpmate.  This was true when he was 6 and still is now that he is 24.  What I found from our talk was that life in his growing up years had truly given him some ugly abuses very similar to my own leaving him anxious about who he can trust as he moves into the rest of his adult years.  I marveled that here he was at 24 telling his story to me when I was 39 before I even attempted to tell someone and that was a counselor.  I couldn’t fathom me having the talk we had when I was that age. I praise God for this young man’s obedience to The Holy Spirit’s leading in his life.  He even thought he might come to our Celebrate Recovery tonight.  Please join me in praying for him as he continues to face these giants in his life.  The struggle I mentioned in yesterday’s blog is beginning to be a light switch for him.  Last April I blogged about the TV brief interview that took place for a program.  It was only about 5 minutes but it did introduce my story and my book.  This is what this young man had seen and what led him to speak to me.  That was over 2 months ago and it took this long for him to act on it.  God’s timing is always perfect with His Holy Spirit’s prepping us to be ready.  He is Amazing.

My grandson’s surgery went well and the doc said he should feel like a new person with much more energy once he heals.  His tonsils were both filled with infection and badly swollen.  The funeral for my grand nephew turned out to be a wonderful tribute to him and his family.  It was as though the entire community turned out in support.  The church was filled to overflowing with people having to stand outside even.  God is always so good.

A few weeks ago I was writing in this blog about God’s direct instruction for trusting His Holy Spirit and how to get started doing this.  I feel as though I’ve taken a couple steps into this.  I’ve always been a man who needed a schedule with specific times and accountability to them.  It was amazing to have yesterday’s schedule with its additions and adjustments and watch them fit perfectly with one another.  I did nothing but move through the day and watch it jive.  This morning as I had my devotions I told God I not only appreciated the chance to experience yesterday, but I also learned so much about trusting Him and His Holy Spirit’s control of these details I’ve always keep in tight reign.  To God be the Glory!