I was just rereading my blog from yesterday and thought I had written a silly thing when I said that I need to realize I have to remove choice when I feel The Holy Spirit’s nudge.  Good grief, that statement alone was a choice.  Each and every time I sense a nudge the item of choice will be present.  Being a human keeps it firmly there.  I’d like to remove the idea of choice from this so I would automatically be obedient each time I feel the Spirit nudge, but I will never not be human until death separates me from this life.

Yesterday I called my mentor to catch her up to speed on the things of present for which I could sure use her prayers.  Her husband is in ill health so I’d procrastinated about getting back to her.  She said she’d thought I didn’t want her prayers any longer–that was another lesson for me.   God had been nudging me for the past several weeks to call her and I kept rationalizing–another choice.  She is now caught up to speed.  We had a long conversation which was good for both of us.

Late yesterday afternoon one of the guys in our step study text me wanting to talk through something.  He said he wanted to text because he didn’t want to call about it.  I said I was ok with that.  I know his struggle and I thought that was why he was coming to our Celebrate Recovery and why he’d chosen to attend the step study.  It turns out I was off base on both accounts.  He does struggle with same sex attraction and had talked to me about this numerous times.  However, he never talks about it as a struggle except he struggles with relationships.  I kept putting the two struggles together as though they were the same.  As we talked last night it was clear he sees nothing wrong with the one.  I did the best I could attempting to show how God loves all of us but we are to use the Bible as our guide for living a victorious life.  He said he thought Celebrate Recovery wasn’t right for him after all.  This morning I know I did the right thing but I hurt for him.  He is locked in a struggle that many know in secret.  I know God uses all things to His honor and glory and I leave this situation with Him knowing He is not done with it.

The flesh is an incredibly strong.  Only with God’s help can we overcome, but we have to come to the place where we want to overcome before any of this transformation can happen.  I’ll  leave this here for now knowing God is at work and does use all things.

I can’t begin to tell you just how wise our loving Father is.  Yesterday I blogged about His Spirit’s nudge to me about being quiet and listening as I went into the building I was to work with.  At the end of their leadership meeting where I had attended and listened to each of the school’s dept leaders, I was then asked what my thoughts were.  The principal said, “You have been awfully quiet, what would you want us to hear from you?”  I was then able to confirm and shed additional insights.  But in so doing, the leaders were able to hear and learn from one another by hearing each of them shed light coming from their own depts.  I told them I was on assignment to listen this morning rather than speak.

Tomorrow I have a Celebrate Recovery leadership meeting after church ends, where we will be talking about some shifts in our leadership.  As I begin to actually get the recovery ministries operational at a training level I need to be able to use my time as such.  There is a man in our group God had shown to me would someday take my place when I felt Him nudging me to step aside.  He and I have talked a number of times about this and now tomorrow  will be the day to take this step.  In so doing I also have to address replacing his position which he has had in our leadership.  I’ve also had this conversation but haven’t heard back from the one to know if he is ready to say yes.

God is pressing in on me to realize that my choice to serve Him fully is always in the arena of choice.  However, if I am going to be the servant of Him He would intend, the idea of choice needs to come to an end.  When I sense Him nudging, I am to act on it.  If I sense fear, dread, “a sense of yikes” in any of these I can address what the fear may be about, but I need to not dismiss the nudge as an item to disregard.  I’ve known this need about serving God for a long, long time.  But, living up to it has taken on new meaning.  I sense God wanting me to be totally sold out to Him.  I want this too.  There is less fear these days.  More is about the dread of needing to work through tough topics with others, etc.  Doing this about topics I’ve always kept hidden is a much newer thing for me.  However, God seems to be saying I’m ready to walk into this and so I’m doing it with humble confidence in Him and His Team–God Himself, Jesus The Almighty Son and The Holy Spirit.  God is also providing tremendous human support too.  For all of this I am most grateful!

Today’s lesson seems simple as I step into it.  Don’t push, be present. listen and obey.  I’m entering Friday of a very full week.  I’m going to a different school to meet with their leadership team and do some semester long planning.  God’s message this morning is stressing the importance of “being”.  My lesson in this is that my “being” present doesn’t need to be–being heard.  I can be present and listen.  I will let the relationship of man being with man and bringing God’s presence to the table be my part.  God is so able to speak to man and surely doesn’t need me piping up unless I sense His nudge.  I want to act on this much more wisely–in God’s Light and Wisdom.  And now that I’ve written this, I need to get ready because the meeting starts at 7:00 am and I need to get on my way.  I’ll let you know how this goes.

The time of testing is upon me.  Will I choose to live by faith or will I choose to live with the need for evidence?  Of course I’m saying I will live by faith.  That is what I’ve been taught all my life and that is exactly what I want to do.  However, God is vividly  showing me the flaws of my actions when I so often say I’ll live by faith but while I’m living each day I’ll interject my choosing in this one instance and in that one.

God has given man choice.  From the very beginning to time man through Adam and Eve have demonstrated and lived by choosing selfishly.  If man desires it man will most often choose desired things over what is likely better for him in the long run.  The last couple days I’ve struggled with my involvement in the things I’m doing.  Is there any evidence that God is glorified and am I the right person to be doing them?  Why are the others connected to the work not seeing the need to act right now like I am?  Is it because I’m off track with God?  Even things like writing this blog is likely a waste of time only done by me to appease my ego so that I am important to man if I can say I write it.

I’m rereading Romans in my devotions.  There’s much there God has been prodding me to better grasp and act on.  This BOLD lesson of today is FAITH through righteousness.  If I am going to have faith and live by faith I must fundamentally trust what I’ve grown to know as The Holy Spirit’s voice within me and act on it.  That very action is righteous living.  If I live by choosing to only act when I feel ok about it, I continue to live by my selfishness and righteousness is set aside.  God wants me to see the darkness in this and I saw it today.

Matthew 17:20 says even if I have the faith as small as a mustard seed, nothing will be impossible for me.  What I want to be sure about is that the faith I have is leading me into total obedience in listening and obeying God’s still small voice with me.  That’s where I want to act–no matter what man says about it.

I can hardly believe the events of yesterday as they unfolded.  I had blogged that I was returning to work after spending the two weeks with family matters.  In so doing, I got to the school to find the principal wasn’t there.  Her father had passed away and his funeral is tomorrow so she wasn’t returning until the end of this week.  I then got a call that my grandson who lives with us had a car accident very close to our home as he’d headed to work.  This was turning into last Friday’s story.  I left the school and went to the scene of the accident.  He was fine but the person he’d hit was taken to the hospital in an ambulance.  Both cars were totaled.  He and I spent most of the day working on details of insurance, his own hospital visit to ensure he’s ok, etc.  God is working all the time on things I know nothing about until they happen.  He wants me to be ready to do my part joining Him.  I’m learning some lessons about staying more loosely attached to all these earthly things I’ve called important so I’m more able to be involved in what God calls important.  Then it’s knowing what steps to take to complete what He wants done rather than trying to take charge as soon as I arrive.  One step at a time I’m learning.

In this journey I’m presently learning that God wants me trusting always and using faith as my motivation to take the present steps He wants me taking.  My devotions this morning were talking about Jesus spending ample time each early morning in prayer.  I do take this time but I certainly see my need to listen more closely to The Holy Spirit so I learn better how to respond away from the early morning and I’m in the events of the day.  Learning to lean and not lead is a lesson of present for me.

Yesterday I wrote about the lack of accomplishment I had during the Christmas break.  There were two full weeks that got little done pertaining to ministry or work.  The past week I had used time for work prepping a school district I’ll be working with starting tomorrow for 3 days.  But that didn’t accomplishment anything for the recovery ministry work needing organized for proper implementation this year of 2018.  God pointed me into the right vein of thinking however as I did the post yesterday.

As I got to church there was the pastor who had been sick all week.  I was able to talk with him and we are meeting today when I’m done with the school I head to in an hour.  After step study was done I was able to talk with the other gentleman about the accountability I wanted to strengthen in this coming year.  God just took care of my silly concerns in one morning.  He had reminded me that all of this is about His timing and not mine.  I get anxious instead of believing.

This morning’s devotion had me reading the last two chapters of  Romans.  In chapter 15 verse 13 it says:  “May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing with hope.”  For two weeks my responsibilities in life had shifted to family.  My time was to be spent strengthening these connections.  This past week the family had gone home so I wanted to get right back into the “work” and God’s timing wasn’t with me.  This quickly led me to thinking I’m incapable, the wrong choice and of course the voices of evil were leaving their destructive messages.  Then I get this message from God this morning about believing and hope.

I really do trust God and believe fully in Him.  I believe in The Holy Spirit.  I find that I do this best right now in the start of my day.  God is asking me to be more awake to Him throughout my day and watch how He is at work in the day.  I’m going to be doing this while I’m in the school and also in my meeting for the recovery ministries.  God is amazing all the time, not just early in the morning.  I want to awaken more to the rest of the day watching how He is working instead of thinking how I’m suppose to be working.  Thank you Father for continued clarity.

Today as I started my devotions I felt this ache in my gut.  It was as if I’d failed God’s assignments for Christmas break.  I had two weeks to get things done and ready for the beginning of this work in 2018.  Now that it is Jan. 7 and I have only gotten some of it done and there is much still to do. It is not that I haven’t tried.  People were sick and the meetings couldn’t happen.  I took all of this to God and just as He always does, reminded me that His Work is done in His timing–not mine.  I wanted all the steps to be done as I go back to working with schools tomorrow.  He wants me to surrender my will to His much Greater Will.  It is His Will I want to complete anyway.  I just so often have to remember that Will and Timing are in His Control and not mine.

Matthew 12:43-45 says:  (and I paraphrase here) “that when an evil spirit leaves a person it goes into the desert seeking rest.  When it finds none it returns to the place it left finding it swept clean and put in order.  It then goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself and they go in and live there causing the condition for the person to be worse that it had been. ”  As I’ve been reading through Romans this message keeps talking to me.  I, along with any other person wanting to break a sinful habit, needs help to do so.  I confess it, giving it up (casting the evil spirit out) and Christ’s forgiveness cleanses me.  I feel good and move forward.  Of course we all know that the temptations return and we fight them but eventually if we are doing it on our own, they win out.  As I’ve been reading Romans I see a plan I often overlook.  It’s God-intended power helping us resist.  We all know that replacing a bad habit with a good one is the right thing to do.  So, as I’m attempting to break a habit I replace it by confessing the bad habit to my accountability person or sponsor and then call him when the temptation returns.  Calling and confessing the temptation is the new habit taking root instead of allowing the old one to return.  If I try and fight it on my own I almost always lose and cave.  This is like allowing the evil spirit to return with more evil.  Starting the new habit takes humility because I (we) hate having to admit we struggle with it.  Yet, when we confess, there is a peace that only comes following confession.  We never know it without confessing.  Jesus waits for us to take this simple, yet humbling step.

For several years now I’ve witnessed my own failures along this line and those of others wo don’t want to call someone.  However, as I’ve been reading of late God is showing me how critical it is to replace the old habits with new ones and the need for us to come along side the new habit giving it nutrition.  It doesn’t matter the struggle, we all need help/support.  I sure don’t want to be a silent failure any longer.  Being bold and vulnerable in this arena is what God is asking me to be.  He is also reminding me to Trust in Him.  This is His Work and the Timing is now.

Yesterday was an eventful day and not in a way I’d want to repeat.  It started early with me going to the dentist for an annual check up and then onto the car dealership to have the old changed in Kathy’s car.  While there I was waiting for the car to get finished I got a call from Kathy that our youngest daughter was in a wreck very close to where I was.  I walked outside instantly to see if I could spot it and couldn’t.  My car wasn’t ready so they gave me a ride to the accident location.  I spent the next 3-4 hours with my daughter while the police investigated it, helped her call her insurance co and get directions for steps to take.  The car was eventually taken by a tow truck.  We then walked back to the dealership and got my car.  I took Angie to the wrecking yard so we could get all her things out of the vehicle.  My last item was to take her to the car rental to get a vehicle until the insurance company decided if they were totaling her car.  We got her replacement and I was then planning to leave.  My siblings and spouses were having our get together that afternoon and I was headed to it.  Angie said she was going to the hospital to get checked out as the police and her insurance had asked her to do this.

When I got to my brother’s place Kathy was just leaving.  Angie had gone to work instead of the hospital.  She was confused and bewildered.  Kathy went straight there and took her to the hospital.  She has a concussion and quite a bit of bruising.  I felt terrible leaving her in that state.  I hadn’t recognized any signs of a concussion.  I’d watched her be totally with it during the wreck and all the police info as well as talking with the insurance co and then the rental car place.  Yet as soon as I’d left she did just the opposite of what she was to do.  I left my brother’s and went back to be with the kids until they were to go to their dad’s for the weekend.  She will be ok but needs to rest during the time she has in the weekend.

As I was wrestling with God this morning about all of this He reminded me that I was to do my part and let Him do His.  I also needed to let Kathy do her part as she has a different sense of help than I do.  My help is way more in the arena of action where Kathy is far more sensitive to the emotional need.  God is not absent in all of this but He does like us to point people to Him when He nudges us to do so.  He doesn’t create the chaos in this human world we live in.  We do this quite well ourselves.  However, He is miraculous at using all of this chaos to help us see our need for Him.  I’m very grateful for this!

Well, my fingers are getting better.  Today was the first time I typed 2018 without correcting the 8 from a 7.  That must mean the habit is being recreated.  There really is some dedication that needs to be put into place in order for habits to be broken or recreated.  We all deal with sin habits that we want broken.  Personally, that’s one reason I enjoy Celebrate Recovery so much.  It keeps me, as well as all that are attending, focused on God rather than the habit and that the habit is addressed by our surrendering it to God rather than trying to tackle it from our own strength.

I’m right in the middle of the book of Romans in my scripture reading.  It is, and has always been, a challenging book.  It nails our need to develop faith in order to have a relationship with God replacing what we thought was our need for good works.  I’ve kind of known this my whole life but I’ve lived my entire life as though I didn’t know it at all.  My relationship with God, even though real, was so dependent upon my “doing good” for Him.  All my doing good had to be done to override what I thought kept Him from loving me. I just saw myself as too dirty.  All this time it was I who didn’t have the relationship with me.  I couldn’t love someone with the dirty past.  Once I was able to separate my past from the person I am (this isn’t done but I’m much further down the road with it) I could then accept Christ’s work on the cross for me.

God is such an incredible God.  This love He has for us is inconceivable from our human perspective.  However, I’m so grateful He is lovingly patient as we grow into a much closer walk with Him.  Don’t give up until the miracle has happened for you.  God so loves you (and me)!

Today is a new day–“….I will rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalms 118:24.  Yesterday was a powerful day in many ways for me.  I had my meeting with the pastor at church and wanted to have the 2nd one but he is sick in bed.  My message in part from recent devotions including today is patience–waiting on the Lord and doing so with trust rather than with anxiety.  God was reinforcing this message for me throughout the day.

As I got to Celebrate Recovery last night I found that the live testimony we were to hear was delayed so we had a DVD testimony.  The gentleman giving it identified himself as one who struggles with same sex attraction.  I immediately was on edge.  I hadn’t heard a testimony where this was the identified struggle.  This man was raped by his father and labeled a fag by him.  This message and his inner voice kept him bound for over 25 years.  Even though I found this tough to hear, I am far enough along in my own journey that I could hear out of the desire to learn rather than the anxious state of “don’t let anyone know this could be you!”

God has been continuously good at His constant reminders of resting in Him, waiting on Him and His Holy Spirit to complete His work in His timing.  Satan has been a liar and manipulator for so many years in my life I can hardly stand it.  Yet, I’m so grateful to be stepping into a new area of living that challenges me to be patient in waiting know that “…He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.”  These promises I now know are for me too along with each of you.  Lets hold each other up and reach out to others when we struggle with voices inside us that want us to believe lies.  Our confession will be good for us and it will help others know it is safe for them to share with us.