Yesterday when I ended my devotions God did something I didn’t find until this morning when I began my Bible reading.  I’ve said for several days that God has been working with me about intimacy.  Yesterday I mentioned what He’d showed me about receiving any type of praise or affirmation.  Well, yesterday was a rather typical Sunday with church and choir, my step study for Celebrate Recovery, The CR leadership meeting and then a quartet practice later in the afternoon.  During this time I’d had a lady wanting to talk to me about her relationship with her husband and the lack of intimacy in it.  She’d asked Kathy if she could talk to me.  This talk was about a 30 minute one and she had much to vent.  I did tell her that God was working on intimacy with me so I wasn’t sure how much I could help her except to understand the need to grow this in their relationship.  I helped her see a couple items like judgment and some rigid boundaries which wouldn’t help intimacy at all, instead it would squelch any ounce of it.  I gave her some thoughts about stepping into a conversation of this topic without these elements being present.  She text me last night saying she just couldn’t do it, she was too anxious about blowing it.  I assured her God’s timing was critical so if last night wasn’t the right time, let it go.

Yesterday I finished reading Ephesians 6 and was ready to start Philippians this morning with my Bible reading part of my devotions.  However, when I opened my Bible and started to read I saw the insert Joyce Myers had written entitled “choose life in the Spirit”.  I was struck by the title’s word:  choose.  It was the first time I’ve actually seen and comprehended the fact I can choose to live in the Spirit.  Living in the Spirit has always been a mystery for me but this title said I can choose.  The interesting piece to this is that I’d just read this a few days back but didn’t catch it. It is at the 6th chapter of Galatians, not Ephesians.   What’s even more interesting to me is that I have no idea why my prayer list was in this page.  I had finished Ephesians yesterday, not Galatians, but that is where my prayer list was.  The added piece to this is the song:  “He Loves Me”.  The words go:  “He loves me, before the world began–He loved me….”  These words and tune have have been going through my mind endlessly for a couple weeks.  I love the song but hadn’t pieced them to God’s intent.

Yesterday I’d asked God to plant the seed of intimacy in me and let it take root.  So today as I began my scripture reading He had me rereading what I’d read about a week ago but didn’t get.  I was telling the lady yesterday things that were in this passage of reading but I hadn’t applied them to me.  He wanted me to see this morning that this applied to me as well as to everyone else in my life and in this world of people He’s created.  I get to choose to live by the Spirit.

The sexual abuse of man and the physical and emotional abuse of man had scarred my own spirit badly enough in my early years I couldn’t awaken it.  However, God, in the past many weeks has been awakening for me a belief that I am His child and I’m on purpose.  Along with this is the fact that when I was born He had this already in mind.  This wasn’t nurtured when I was a child, dad thought it best to kill it.  Now I realize that dad just didn’t understand living by the Spirit.  He was living by the flesh.  I was so deeply influenced by this early treatment that I lost my ability to trust spirit.  In fact I have always believed that spirit and emotions were synonyms and I didn’t want anything to do with them because dad’s emotions were out of control and my brother’s sexual emotions were too.  This morning I was awakened to truth.  God loves me and gave me the opportunity to live by the Spirit–His Holy Spirit.  I needed to awaken to the fact that my spirit is alive.  I surrender it to God so He can help me live by His Spirit.

Yesterday God had me using tools He’s given me without my own understanding of their personal application to me.  I wept when I finally realized just how much He does love me and now I realize He loved me before the abuse ever started.  I’m utterly amazed by all of this.  Yet, it is true.  I am going to be far more intentional in living by choosing to live by His Spirit from this day forward.

It is nice to be home and using the computer to write this rather than my iphone.  I’ve almost finished reading a book on the early life of John Newton, a British man in the 1700’s who worked to abolish slavery in England.  It was funny to watch his life develop as I’ve read the book and to process intimacy in it.  He was a very passionate boy who had it severely treated by a father who loved him but didn’t know how to show it and a mother who died when he was only 7 years old.

This morning God has been pointing out that I haven’t been able to grow with intimacy because I have so many walls still “protecting me” from it.  These are the walls of resisting compliments, talking down words of affirmation, belittling my personal capabilities, etc.  I won’t let myself be touched with words or with human hands.  I shy away from physical touch rather than embrace it.  I will embrace someone but I won’t let them embrace me.  I suppose I’ve known this but I sure haven’t been awake to it like I am now.  Actually, what I awoke to this morning is that the old me is what I become when I am placed in a situation receiving any type of praise or personal affirmation.  If I am touched it is my old self that responds.  These times are when I must let my new self receive, relate and respond.  I’ve asked God to show me what intimacy is and what to do with it.  He is doing this.  Now, I need to do my part.

This is going to be an interesting day.  I have church, choir, step study, Celebrate Recovery leadership meeting and quartet practice today  with one right after the other.  It will be good to try and stay awake to intimacy during these times.  God is a mighty good teacher.  I want to be a mighty good student.

Today’s actual journey brings Kathy and me back to Idaho. We are missing two funerals today of ones we love. I pray for the ones grieving their absence on earth. 

I’ve been fearing this intimacy thing. This morning in my devotions I asked God Himself to help me with it. I know intimacy with God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit are critical as well as with Kathy and so many more. Yet the word scares me. Today God told me to give this fear to Jesus so He can Crucify it with everything else He took to the cross. He said He was planting the seed in me for intimacy to grow, but my fear–resistance was keeping it from being nurtured so it can spring into life. So I’ve given this fear to Christ. I Trust Him. 

This is a seed I truly want to take root within me. I know others have expressed their need in this area. We can share our growth together. Thank you Jesus. 

Today our new president is sworn into office. It’s a memorable day. But, what will make it most memorable will be restoring a nation that honors God rather than a nation that simply allows its people to honor God if they so choose. I’d love to see our nation putting God in the forefront. 

Today I am challenged to put God in the forefront of everything I do.  If we do this in every aspect of our life we can help others do the same. God had Jesus take my shame and sin to the cross. In its place He has given me His Holy Spirit. I want to be  a vessel who shines this Light of God even showing what has been the haunts of my past. In so doing others can find the courage to take the same step in trusting God to give them the same freedom. I pray as we unite in letting God so show His Light through us that our nation will unite in so doing also. To God be all glory!

These past few days God has been focusing me on matters of intimacy.  I mentioned this a few days ago. As I am now reading Ephesians and in chapter 3 today I find Paul telling them to open themselves to the fullness of Jesus’ gift of healing. In my Freedom book it is asking about where I don’t fully trust?  Good grief–I’m feeling anxious for I know this next step is intimacy. 

This morning the Freedom book asked me to outline what God is placing on my heart and what it would look like as a miracle. It’s too private to write out here but it is all about sexual intimacy. Jesus assures me His healing touch is already at work or I’d not be writing this much. My mind races to all kinds of fearful places but Jesus assures me that staying in the present and taking one day at a time and one moment at a time–He will take the hardship and turn it into a pathway of peace. I’m going to trust this and not flee. 

I hope you don’t struggle with this too. If you do however, I know God’s promise isn’t just true for me. Let’s pray for one another as we step into genuine faith in this arena. 

It has been wonderful spending this week with my family here in California. I can see why reflection is so important in recovery. It’s so important to see where you are in retrospect to where you’ve been. God makes Himself very clear in reflection. He sees the future knowing He wants us to trust Him with ours as we walk into each day. As I reflect and see all He’s done in my life I more easily trust this continued walk into the future of each day. 

God unearths everything I need to address to have freedom. Yet He reminds me to step into the day knowing He is not the God I thought I knew but the God He has shown Himself to be these past several months. I love Him and His Team: Christ and The Holy Spirit. 

Today God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit are more complete than I’ve ever known. I journaled to Jesus today for the first time since last July. As I talked to him through my journaling I was meeting someone much richer and qualified to be my God than ever before. God had me journaling to Him these past 6 months so I could now see more clearly the vastness of His Team. Jesus had been as limited as I saw God limited. I didn’t trust God to be all that others including the Bible said. I was wrong. God is not only all His Word describes, but He’s patiently waiting to be what the Bible says for you and me. It starts with trusting. 

My father had unintentionally taught me not to trust the word father. God has replaced that fear with grateful trust. As I was journaling to Jesus I knew this Savior was the Son of The One True God. I look forward to learning so much more in the days ahead about the meaning of all this. 

If you struggle to know and trust God, take the one step to ask Him to reveal Himself to you. You will be amazed at the loving, kind God He is. I truly know this now. 

There’s something peaceful here in California where my two sisters live. It’s quiet and beautiful. My older sis is a widow. Kathy sleeps with her at my sis’s request. She is lonely and that means I’m alone in the other bedroom. I have all the time in the world each morning to do my devotions and reflect with God. 

Today God seemed to be telling me He wanted me to return to journaling to Jesus Christ. Last July He told me to write to Him in my journaling which I started doing. Little did I know at the time how foreign our relationship was. God knew this and I didn’t. Today I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is the Almighty Loving God I’d heard about but didn’t know it personally for me. The intimacy of yesterday’s post is true for God and me.

I also now know that going to God in prayer and meditation I do so with God seeing Christ in me. It isn’t the abused old self that comes to Him. It is the new self in Christ that goes before God. I can’t begin to tell you how meaningful all this is to me. The beginning of learning intimacy is knowing it with my Father, Jesus and The Holy Spirit. Knowing this I no longer stand in fear but I stand in expectation and deep appreciation. Our God is so Good!

We made it to S. California and I’m attempting to write this with my iPhone. An amazing thing Happened this am during my devotions. Galatians 5 says in order to find fullness in our life we must live completely committed to living life with The Holy Spirit being the lead. As I got to my journaling in the Freedom book it asked me to write down what the new man in me is being challenged to do by God. I knew it was time to write down relationships and intimacy. 

This morning I saw intimacy as the taproot of relationships. Intimacy looks like trust in a relationship. I’ve always needed to control a relationship by the amount of trust I had in the person. Intimacy was mostly about how much I’d let them touch me–physically and emotionally. God said we are going to tackle this now that I am learning to trust His Team. I’m a little nervous about this but I’m going to walk by faith trusting Him as we do this one day at a time and one moment at a time. 

Living by FAITH–what is this?  Yesterday I wrote that God is wanting me to stop some old man practices so I can step into living by faith.  This morning’s devotional pieces were all about living in the new life–new creation and that is living by faith.  Paul talks about learning to walk and for the first time I saw myself actually learning to “walk by faith”.  The analogy of a baby first learning to walk is very clear now.  Walking by faith is a skill that isn’t given to us with full operational practice established when the gift is given.

When I was a principal in the school district where I worked I involved our staff in a reading research project that turned our old instructional practices upside down.  We had to totally abandon the schedules we had used, the practices we had used and the materials we used.  We learned different ways to communicate the teaching of reading and what we did to measure the growth of the child’s learning to read and much more.  It was exhaustive and yet, so rewarding.  After several months of this the teachers were saying they never knew they could teach reading so well.  Students and parents were beginning to say they didn’t know reading could be this much fun in these early years.  I write all of this because this is what came to mind this morning when I was picturing learning to walk in faith.  I have walked with some faith for most of my life.  It was all about what I couldn’t control and I’d surrender it to faith believing someday I could do it.

Today God is helping me see that walking by faith is never about my taking control.  It is definitely about my completing work at times but I don’t own that work–God does.  I’m in His ball field now.  When a baby falls, learning to walk, they get right up and go again.  When man falls we beat ourselves up and try not to let others know we did.  I’ve done this all my life.  God is showing me that not only His Team–God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit are here to teach me how to live by Faith, but so are the other believers who want to learn this too.  Just like when my staff was learning to teach differently to get kids to read better and to help all kids read successfully, God is showing me that we learn this together.  Don’t hide mistakes–falls–talk about them so we can build support.  I want to do this and not let pride or shame stop me.  Those two items are part of the old me I don’t want anymore.  Lets be a team.

PS–My wife and I are leaving today to visit two sisters living in S. California.  There is little cell service where they live and I only have internet service at one’s home.  My ability to blog during the next week will be dependent on where I am so if there are absent days, please forgive me.