God continues to make all things new–including me.  Yesterday I had the conversation I needed with Kathy.  It was good to have done so.  I’m always amazed when these times come to find just how intimately personal God is with us.  He cares deeply for us but waits for us to be fully ready to understand Him, obey Him, hear Him or whatever is in the present situation.

Today I was reading in Exodus where the Israelites left Egypt after the night where God killed the first born of man and animal.  The Israelites had sacrificed the lamb and put the blood on the side posts and the cross bar above the door to their homes.  There was a footnote at this point written by Joyce Meyer.  She says that this was God’s old covenant with the Israelites.  Today we are freed from death by Christ’s shed blood on the Cross.  This is the new covenant.  She says to pray and conceptualize Christ’s blood purifying your mind, your soul, your body and spirit.  Along with it, purify whatever may torment you right now or have you in bondage.  It was good to read this and act on it.  I know my sins are forgiven by Christ’s shed blood but it is refreshing to be reminded of this freedom especially following the action God had me take in talking with Kathy yesterday.

God is the same God today as was with Moses when He led the Israelites out of Egypt.  Today He wants to lead us out of any bondage that may be gripping us.  Let Him do this if you are struggling in any way.  God is the Only True God and Christ’s work on the Cross of Calvary is the provider of freedom waiting for each of us.

Yesterday turned out to be quite the day.  I went to the school I was to work with only to find I was to be there Friday, not Wednesday.  Even though there were a couple things I could attend to, it was a goof-up on my part putting it incorrectly in my phone calendar.  I got home to find a myriad of things needing attention, insurance, my daughter’s car purchase and the rental she had after the wreck and more.  I spent much of the day working through issues which still are not resolved.  In the midst of this Kathy and I had a talk about our need to better connect with one another.

Last night’s Celebrate Recovery lesson was Victory.  It goes into the fact that we have character defects (defective thinking) from our growing up years.  I certainly have had many and still have.  God is helping me with them and this morning He gave me much insight into a major one.  Last summer I wrote a post regarding my need to see my mom as a human and not as a super human.  I would never be able to forgive her for her absence when I desperately needed her as a child growing up with the abuse of dad and my brother.  (This advice was given to me by the counselor/therapist I had for 3 years.)  I was left all alone to figure out how I could be strong all by myself.  In this I found the habit of porn much later in life to salve my deep hurt.  Once I recognized this I was able to talk with mom (even though she’s gone from this earth) and forgive her for this void.

Much of my connection to Kathy has been tied to that emotional need deep within to be supported.  I hadn’t recognized this until God pointed it out this morning.  Now I can go to her and talk this through.  I don’t need a super-human as a wife, I need a human being who was given to me by God to complete me and I complete her.  Maybe this sounds silly to a reader, but to me, the writer, it makes perfect sense.  My defective thinking was tied to an inner wound I was wanting Kathy to fix even though she never could, when God wanted me to see that He does this as I see Kathy through His eyes and as His gift to me.  She isn’t a god, she is my wife–a human, with flaws just like me.  I don’t walk this road of recovery hoping to access her as needed, I walk it with her side by side each and every step of the way.  Thank you Father for this wake up!

Yes, the journey continues and I’m home.  Today I go to work with one of the schools I serve.  However, God this morning was needing to anchor me once and for all that what He has for me to do is all about Him.  I look at yesterday and know that Kathy and I got home very tired and in need of rest.  Kathy had her own agenda needing attention from one of our grandkids and she faithfully left to complete it.  I needed to address somethings here at home.  While I was alone and tired I began to doubt my capabilities to now start moving forward with the recovery ministries God has led me to.  Surely there is someone better equipped and just a better person to do this, I kept telling Him.  Has He forgotten already what my past is?  God, on the other hand had me reading His call to Moses this morning in the first five chapters of Exodus.  In it Moses was giving all kinds of excuses why he wasn’t the right person to complete God’s assignment for him.  I found myself in this big time.  So, as I journaled this morning I told God I know He is ready for me to use all of my past for His Glory Work.  He is already doing this and the fact we are expanding it is just something God wants done.  Yes, He can have someone else do it but He is asking me to be the one for this point in time.  I’m ready to begin.  I see my failures, but God sees Himself in me as I take each step of obedience.  We will do this and I will be an obedient servant.  God is so faithful and I want to be too.

We’re at the airport waiting to board our flight home. Last nights event was touching beyond words. It was truly one of the most spiritual moments I’ve experienced in my life. Having a child become a minister of God is a moment of humble pride. Experiencing her ordination was a privilege and honor. God is already using her in His Kingdom Work and it will be so nice to watch and see how this continues.

As we return home I’m eager to watch how God brings together our own recovery team. A week from today we will be meeting to head into the areas where recovery is being expanded. I know He is at work. God loves all His children in all of this world He created. No one is intended to stay in this bondage man and Satan create. The harvest is ripe. Let’s bring forth the workers for this field of service and recovery.

It is amazing to participate with God in what He is doing.  Keeping your hands out of His handiwork and only doing the part He leads you to do is, in itself, fulfilling.  My daughter’s big day is today!  To man she is being ordained as a pastor in the Nazarene Church.  To God she is telling the world she is ready to complete whatever assignment God will give her in His Kingdom Work.  It is funny looking how man labels and awards what man does and endorses what man is “qualified” to do.  When God calls us into work He does it from the heart level.  We often go through steps man has created for it, but for God’s work to be done in us, He simply wants obedience and a heart willing to say yes to Him as He leads each step of the Way.  More and more of this I can see as I continue my own journey with Him.

Last night the general superintendent of the Nazarene church spoke to the conference attendees for which we were a part due to my daughter’s involvement.  The entire message focused on the need for “workers in the field”.  The harvest is ripe all around us but the shortage of workers makes the harvest seem less ready.  The challenge for us is to be a willing worker in the harvest field God has placed us in.  I so appreciated the message for this is exactly what I see God doing in my own journey.  All my life He has wanted me to ready myself with the willingness to use His and my story as a tool for harvest in the field of hurt and abuse.  All along I thought my role needed to be to hide it so I could “look” worthwhile to do God’s Kingdom Work.  Yet, God has now shown me fully that it is what I was hiding that He wanted in the open for this is exactly what others needed to know.  It was safe to bring their past into the open for God’s Healing Light to penetrate the evil darkness and bring wholeness through His Healing touch.

Tomorrow there will likely not be a message here.  We leave for the airport heading home at about 5 am so I doubt I’ll get to this unless I do it on my phone at the airport.  We’ll see what God wants at that point.

To blog honestly and openly here I need to address something that is on my heart.  In coming to be with my daughter for her ordination, my ex-wife and her ex-husband are also all coming.  Her ex-husband is already here.  She comes tonight.  We are all staying at my daughter’s home.  Yes, it is awkward but I know if I were my daughter with the same circumstances, I’d want it this way too.  I also know God is wanting this to take place also.  I’ve wondered if there were things I need to bring out from days gone by to be sure there are no walls still there from our past?  However, nothing comes to mind.  It seems God is simply wanting this to happen.  Tonight it will begin.  This  weekend event is for my daughter so that is the number one focus.  I don’t want it to be make into anything other than that. So, I simply go into these few days openly knowing if God wants something done, He will nudge at the moment.  I will be present and see what develops.

This morning I am meeting with the husband of the friend of my daughter I met with earlier this week.  He is a very quiet man.  I’ve pondered what I should say to get an open conversation started.  However God is checking all my thoughts.  I know that silence in conversation is important when thoughts are needing to be put into spoken words.  So, I will wait when this is needed.  I just know I’m to be present.

I’m so glad I’ve had the earlier experience this week of finding out I’m ok with myself.  With the weekend bringing forth what it is, I’d easily go into a state of physically being present, but emotionally being walled off.  This is not the case.  God is so good.  Now to step into it and watch Him work.

Today is Friday the 13th and it is also my daughter’s birthday where I presently am.  I remember the principal walking into my classroom about 9:30-10:00 am telling me I needed to take a phone call and she would watch my class.  I was puzzled but went to the office to find my wife was in labor and needed to leave for the hospital.  I was told to go and all would be fine at school.  Several hours later this gift was delivered to us.  She continues to be God’s gift not only to us but to so many others in her life.  Next Monday she will be ordained as a pastor in the church of the Nazarene.  Happy birthday Amber!

Yesterday was an interesting day emotionally off and on thinking through the application of loving oneself.  I did talk to Kathy, Amber and her husband Jason.  Each of them said that saying, “I love you” to yourself was not something they had done.  They saw what God has given them and the flaws they have as a person.  Yet, they enjoy being who they are.  I am realizing that man in his flesh is never satisfied with himself or anything else.  It seems to be a basic nature of man to never be satisfied in his flesh.  However, God wants us to realize He created this new creation and gave us His Holy Spirit when we accepted His Son into our hearts.  This new creation is who we are to love and to realize more and more how to submit to God’s leadership.  While we do this we find that God’s characteristics become more and more our own.  These are called the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23.

To simply be at peace with who I am is a miracle unto itself.  I believe that is what God has been wanting me to find first and foremost.

Yesterday morning I spent a couple hours with a friend of my daughter who has a history of childhood abuse.  She is receiving the same therapy as I had a few years back.  We were able to talk deeply about the fears, the frustrations, the anger, the bondage that grips us.  However, it doesn’t need to stop there for God is a God of healing and yes, healing is for the abused too.

In the later part of our conversation I was asked by this friend if I were able to love myself?  I instantly teared up.  I told her I appreciated her question for I have always wanted to love myself but my dad’s voice still screams in my head when a topic like this would come forth.  How could one love oneself when you were nothing but a disappointment to the most important man in your life and along with that, an attraction to a brother for sexual perversion?  However, I knew the second I heard the question I was needing to address this personally for me.  I thanked her for asking it and that I would need to spend some time with God regarding it.  I told her I believe all of us suffering from childhood abuse intensely struggle with this question.  It is part of what Satan grips tightly.  If he can keep us thinking we are less than others, we will always be in bondage to others.

This morning as I brought this question to God He made it very clear that loving oneself is not arrogance.  He said that flaunting oneself is arrogance.  Loving oneself is the best boundary we have protecting us.  Yes, it did get destroyed for me, but He was glad I was now ready to ask it.  I was able to write that I do enjoy laughing at what is funny to me, reading what is interesting to me, talking deeply with people about issues needing to be unraveled, working in the soil and growing all that will grow in it and so much more.  I love this and I do love this person called Earnie who does these things.  I enjoy being me.  As I was able to write this God brought the scripture to mind that says:  “Love your neighbor as yourself….” Mark 12:30-31.  At this point one more astounding thing happened, I heard my little Earnie tell me, welcome home.  Once upon a time I had loved being me and today I will start the journey of being one with myself.  I found this incredible, but it is, I know, where God wants me to be.

It is an odd thing to be focused on “being”.  Without specific things to do while being here with my daughter and her family I find myself journaling about being willing, being open minded, being helpful, etc.  I don’t think I’ve ever caught the word “being” which is in front of the potential doing side of life.  Yesterday while we were at the zoo with our grandkids, I was called by my son-in-law’s dad.  He is a pastor in Tulsa.  He asked if I’d come in June for Father’s Day weekend to speak to their men?  I was taken back by the request but yet it is something directly tied to “being willing”.  This morning I am meeting with a friend of my daughter’s family who had a very abusive childhood.  I met with her a couple years ago and we will do so again.  So this morning I pray to “be” a good listener and “be” a responder to The Holy Spirit’s nudges rather than my own.

It is amazing to realize that doing any of this for God’s purposes doesn’t make me anything different as I’d always wanted it to do.  It was so ingrained in my head that if I did this or that well enough and long enough I’d become the man of God I hoped would please God enough so He’d take away the guilt and shame I had lived with so long.  I know now to use my story of guilt and shame to help others address their own.  God wanted me to “be willing” to share and to “be obedient” to His nudges.  The most wonderful and thoughtful part of this is I find myself realizing I am a child of the King and have been all along.  Satan hasn’t wanted me to know this so I’d be kept in the same bondage that kept me silent for most of my life.  God is definitely shattering these shackles.  I humbly thank Him.

It was an interesting time to spend a day consciously aware of “being” rather than “doing”.  I have never attempted anything like this before.  I’ve always been somewhat phobic about this because I wouldn’t never trust what I would end up being.  My fears always gripped me thinking I would “be” like dad or “be” like my brother.  Those being the case, I would fulfill what my fears always said (screamed) in my mind.  However, I found yesterday that being meant I was  being interruptive at times when the conversation wasn’t saying what I wanted said, I was being generous when my daughter wanted to get flowers to plant in their flower beds, I was being helpful when it came to getting the house ready for the carpet layers and I was being helpful when it was time to get the furniture back in its proper locations.

It was an interesting awakening most of all to find that while being, I was doing.  In fact the two naturally happen together.  My grandson wanted to help plant the many flowers we had bought.  Usually I try to not let this happen so they will be planted “just right”.  However I was immediately checked so I said sure and he and I did many of them together.  I found that being kind didn’t destroy what I was doing.  By the end of the day I had found that it was a genuinely good day.  I had done more than I had ever expected but while doing, I was being the whole time.  The two seem to complete one another.  However, the doing is done so much better when I am awake to being the person God wants me to be.  This is such a simple thing, but it isn’t for me.  It has been fundamental so I’m going to stay with this until God says I have it more ingrained into my day to day living.