Yesterday morning I spent a couple hours with a friend of my daughter who has a history of childhood abuse.  She is receiving the same therapy as I had a few years back.  We were able to talk deeply about the fears, the frustrations, the anger, the bondage that grips us.  However, it doesn’t need to stop there for God is a God of healing and yes, healing is for the abused too.

In the later part of our conversation I was asked by this friend if I were able to love myself?  I instantly teared up.  I told her I appreciated her question for I have always wanted to love myself but my dad’s voice still screams in my head when a topic like this would come forth.  How could one love oneself when you were nothing but a disappointment to the most important man in your life and along with that, an attraction to a brother for sexual perversion?  However, I knew the second I heard the question I was needing to address this personally for me.  I thanked her for asking it and that I would need to spend some time with God regarding it.  I told her I believe all of us suffering from childhood abuse intensely struggle with this question.  It is part of what Satan grips tightly.  If he can keep us thinking we are less than others, we will always be in bondage to others.

This morning as I brought this question to God He made it very clear that loving oneself is not arrogance.  He said that flaunting oneself is arrogance.  Loving oneself is the best boundary we have protecting us.  Yes, it did get destroyed for me, but He was glad I was now ready to ask it.  I was able to write that I do enjoy laughing at what is funny to me, reading what is interesting to me, talking deeply with people about issues needing to be unraveled, working in the soil and growing all that will grow in it and so much more.  I love this and I do love this person called Earnie who does these things.  I enjoy being me.  As I was able to write this God brought the scripture to mind that says:  “Love your neighbor as yourself….” Mark 12:30-31.  At this point one more astounding thing happened, I heard my little Earnie tell me, welcome home.  Once upon a time I had loved being me and today I will start the journey of being one with myself.  I found this incredible, but it is, I know, where God wants me to be.

It is an odd thing to be focused on “being”.  Without specific things to do while being here with my daughter and her family I find myself journaling about being willing, being open minded, being helpful, etc.  I don’t think I’ve ever caught the word “being” which is in front of the potential doing side of life.  Yesterday while we were at the zoo with our grandkids, I was called by my son-in-law’s dad.  He is a pastor in Tulsa.  He asked if I’d come in June for Father’s Day weekend to speak to their men?  I was taken back by the request but yet it is something directly tied to “being willing”.  This morning I am meeting with a friend of my daughter’s family who had a very abusive childhood.  I met with her a couple years ago and we will do so again.  So this morning I pray to “be” a good listener and “be” a responder to The Holy Spirit’s nudges rather than my own.

It is amazing to realize that doing any of this for God’s purposes doesn’t make me anything different as I’d always wanted it to do.  It was so ingrained in my head that if I did this or that well enough and long enough I’d become the man of God I hoped would please God enough so He’d take away the guilt and shame I had lived with so long.  I know now to use my story of guilt and shame to help others address their own.  God wanted me to “be willing” to share and to “be obedient” to His nudges.  The most wonderful and thoughtful part of this is I find myself realizing I am a child of the King and have been all along.  Satan hasn’t wanted me to know this so I’d be kept in the same bondage that kept me silent for most of my life.  God is definitely shattering these shackles.  I humbly thank Him.

It was an interesting time to spend a day consciously aware of “being” rather than “doing”.  I have never attempted anything like this before.  I’ve always been somewhat phobic about this because I wouldn’t never trust what I would end up being.  My fears always gripped me thinking I would “be” like dad or “be” like my brother.  Those being the case, I would fulfill what my fears always said (screamed) in my mind.  However, I found yesterday that being meant I was  being interruptive at times when the conversation wasn’t saying what I wanted said, I was being generous when my daughter wanted to get flowers to plant in their flower beds, I was being helpful when it came to getting the house ready for the carpet layers and I was being helpful when it was time to get the furniture back in its proper locations.

It was an interesting awakening most of all to find that while being, I was doing.  In fact the two naturally happen together.  My grandson wanted to help plant the many flowers we had bought.  Usually I try to not let this happen so they will be planted “just right”.  However I was immediately checked so I said sure and he and I did many of them together.  I found that being kind didn’t destroy what I was doing.  By the end of the day I had found that it was a genuinely good day.  I had done more than I had ever expected but while doing, I was being the whole time.  The two seem to complete one another.  However, the doing is done so much better when I am awake to being the person God wants me to be.  This is such a simple thing, but it isn’t for me.  It has been fundamental so I’m going to stay with this until God says I have it more ingrained into my day to day living.

God is really pressing in on me to be rather than to do.  Even the Sunday School class my son-in-law teaches had an emphasis on this yesterday morning.  It was one of the first things God nudged me to ponder as I sat in the class.  There are things I can do while I’m here but God keeps impressing me with the fact I am to be.  I keep thinking I get this and then, just like this morning, I journal asking what God wants me to do with Him today?  His immediate response was to “be”.  This told me I hadn’t journeyed very far down the path of this learning as of yet.

I’m not sure I’ve ever listened well to God about being.  I’ve always listened to know what to do for Him.  This new insight is going to take some time.  The scripture is filled with this throughout the Bible.  Abram couldn’t be Abraham until he was patient waiting on God.  Sarai couldn’t be Sarah until she too could wait upon God and be the princess her new name meant.  This was all brought out in this morning’s scripture reading.  I don’t know how this applies to me but I do know God is wanting me to learn to be by waiting on Him.  In my mind I ponder how I do in order to be?  Well, today will be my real step into finding out.

I’m sitting in the sanctuary of my daughters church listening g to their worship team for which she is part. It is a glorious experience! God is so glorified! Be glorified throughout this day God in this world so filled with man–let your Spirit reign supreme!

We’re at the airport ready to board in a few minutes. God is very good. It’s also raining which makes me happy knowing all the fertilizer I put on the lawn and flower beds is being activated.

This is a trip planned around my daughters ordination. We don’t have any projects to plan for and others will be coming too. I’m at loose ends without a plan but somehow I know this is part of Gods plan so I will be obedient knowing that going is the right step. I’ll see if there are more once we arrive. Trusting Him is to be my number one goal.

Today is the day to wrap up a lot of details.  Tomorrow  we fly out to Oklahoma City.  Our daughter there is being ordained as a pastor in their denomination.  She has been a children’s pastor for the past several years at their church.  She has felt if this is the case she should complete her degree for being a pastor.  She has a teaching degree already but God placed this on her heart and she has finished.  It will be touching to attend this with her and her family.

With all the things I want to get finished today I was taken back when I asked God what He wanted me to know for today?  He simply said, “to be”.  I have always been driven to do.  In the strength finders material, responsibility is the top of my list of strengths.  I see this and think that this strength is all about doing and doing well.  Yet, I write this and realize to do one must be.  I do believe the two go hand in hand but the be is ahead of the do.  Today I will do my best to stay in touch with the be side of this.  God is wanting me to know something I need to pay attention to.

Tomorrow morning we leave at 6:00 am for the airport so I may not get a blog written.  I’ll see what happens early in the morning–already I’m thinking about doing–yikes.  I’m going back to be and try to stay there.  I think some of this is about obeying God’s nudges when they happen rather than my nudges.  God is so good and I want to be with Him in His Kingdom Work only doing what He nudges me to do.  To God BE all Glory!

I want to step into a topic today as I blog I’ve not addressed before at least here.  I tend to write about what I’ve learned or find by walking and believing.  Yesterday as I was reading in the Bible I needed to make a choice about what Bible version I was going to now read since the day before I’d finished Revelation.  I chose to continue to read the Joyce Meyer Bible which is The Amplified version and the one Joyce has added her insights as well as personal stories relating to her walk with God.  I’ve read the Bible through many times now in my lifetime.  So doing this is not anything like a goal for me.  It is something I do to connect more deeply with God.

Today I’m reading about Satan’s manipulation of Eve and Adam in Genesis 3&4.  It says that when they did as Satan said they not only sinned, but Adam turned over control of the earth to Satan.  This is not new information, but today something hit me from this passage.  Adam and Eve had been walking with God and conversing with Him daily until this time.  They saw God.  As I began to process this, I put this along side the passages later when different men of God were told they could not see God’s face or they’d be destroyed.  Yet, in the beginning God and man were fully ok being face to face with each other.  There was no threat.  It was simply part of their intimate relationship.

My heart has longed to know God this way since I was a boy.  I would have instances where I’d think He’d shown Himself to me through circumstances.  But to see Him and know Him the way they did has always been a deep yearning.  As I asked God about this He brought to mind the verse from I Corinthians 13:12  “For now we see through a glass darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.”  I’ve had this information given to me through sermons and scripture reading much of my life.  Today, however, it was like I read it for the first time with personal meaning and application.

This human side of us being so dominant and out of balance with our spirit is totally the result of sin.  However, the new creation Jesus makes in us when we accept Him into our hearts has the ability to see and know God much more like God intended.  The degree I trust God and believe all He tells me will determine to the extent He reveals more and more to me.  Boy, do I want to stick close to Him!

God never ceases to amaze me.  As we were moving through the last of the training videos last night I could see that we were running out to time for what I wanted to address:  stating what our topic would be for leading this fall.  We didn’t get to it.  I know that some are ready to commit and yet I could see that there are several who wanted time now to ponder this with God.  We have two weeks to do this as we won’t meet again to begin going through the curriculum until April 24.  Kathy and I are leaving this Saturday for Oklahoma. Our daughter there is being ordained as a pastor and we will be there for this.

This morning I was made fully aware of a misconception I’ve had for years.  When John wrote his book he never mentions his name.  He calls himself, “the one Jesus loved”.  I’ve always perceived this as somewhat arrogant.  Our pastor recently mentioned in a sermon that John was so humble that he only mentioned himself as someone Jesus loved rather than naming himself.  Then this morning in my devotional reading it says John was so humble.  God’s Son–Jesus Christ chose him to spend such intimate time with him as well as trust him to bring His message to the world.  This blew John away.  All of a sudden I realized I’d been judging John all this time rather than seeing the truth of his relationship with Christ.  I hate it when man judges others and here I was doing it.  On top of this, I realized too that God has given His Son Jesus to me and to each one of us along with His Holy Spirit.

The humbleness John felt towards being chosen by Christ is just how I feel today.  To think this Almighty God of our universe has chosen you, me, each one of us, is simply amazing.  Yes, he wants our surrendered obedience, but He gives us full choice to  do so and this is where I want to spend the rest of my life.

Tonight wraps up the training we’ve been doing for the ones who want to join the recovery work at our church beyond Celebrate Recovery.  As we do, there will be time for each one who has taken part to state their decision—Do they choose at this time to lead one of the new groups?  If so, which area is God nudging you to lead:  Sexual Addiction, Homosexuality, Abuse, or Spouse of Sexual Addiction.

This morning in my devotions I thought it was time to ask God if I should now go back to journaling to His Son since He and I have gotten much better acquainted and I feel so much more grounded in Him.  His response took me by surprise.  He seemed to be saying it is fine to journal to The Team.  It may seem trite to read what I’m writing, but I’ve had this desire to do just that–journal to all Three–God, Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit as a TEAM.  I don’t want to isolate one of them.  I want to be doing what The Holy Team wants done and have all THREE speaking as necessary.  Having God nudge me to go ahead and write to the TEAM made ms smile and shed a tear.  I felt welcomed and invited to be part.

Now, back to tonight’s training.  Tonight is an important night seeing if others are ready to step into the four areas of recovery I’ve felt needed to start this Fall.  God, this morning, seemed to be saying that this recovery team is on assignment with His Holy TEAM.  We need to know this.  We need to be a vessel that God’s TEAM will use to bring Light into individual’s darkness.  This Light is Healing and Powerful.  However, when we are caught in the bondage of sin we have no idea about this.  We don’t do the healing as vessels of Light, we simply carry the Light and IT will do the work as the one in bondage begins to take their personal steps just as I had to do not so many years ago.

It is a privilege and honor to be part of this work.  I look forward to seeing just what God and HIS TEAM will be doing with this new recovery team.