This morning’s devotion started with the devotional entitled, “The Ability to Change”.  It is written by Charles Stanley.  This is my second year to use his devotional but it was as though it was my first time to comprehend today’s message.  It mirrors in so many ways the “believing” message God has been wanting me to see and know.  I don’t usually quote someone’s entire message in my blog but today I’m going to do so as it is so fitting for me.

Galatians 2:20–“It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.  So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

“Are you amazed at the sickness of our heart–the way it strays from  God’s Word, doubts His promises, and wavers during difficult situations?  Do your efforts to reform your behavior fail repeatedly, discouraging you again and again?  It may be that though you trust Jesus to save you, you don’t really have faith that He can transform your life.  And so you work, wrestle, and strive to do it yourself–all in vain.

Friend, the Holy Spirit is both willing and able to produce the character of Christ in you–not through your effort, but through His transformative power.  Your job is to abide in Him, which means staying focused on Jesus, submitting to His leadership, and seeing the details of your life as coming from His hand for your instruction.    You cannot change yourself–but God can.  And once you learn to let Him transform you, you will have the key to living a truly victorious life.”

I have such an awful habit of trying to achieve on my own forgetting until later that I can simply abide in Christ and let Him fight the battle.  Today I’m going into believing with more substance.  The substance is the belief that Jesus has transformed me already and I will abide in this truth not having to shift into me fighting.

If you read yesterday’s blog you know already it was a big day for me as far as recovery steps go.  I left home and needed to drive 2.5 hours to get to the destination where I’m working through tomorrow.  It gave me ample time to talk with God and to process with dad so many things I needed to simply process and then let go of.  The crazy thing is that last night I had this rather intense dream which included dad.  He wasn’t this amazing man in it.  In fact, he was much like he was when he was alive–dominant, stubborn and well, just like he was in real life.  The thing that left me rather stumped was that I wasn’t submissive to him in the dream.  I spoke up to him and spoke just what I wanted to say.  He didn’t offend me and put me down either.  When I awoke to the dream, I just pondered this and am still doing so.  The other thing that’s hitting me is the fact I do not  ever remember dreaming about my dad until last night.  I don’t know if there is any significance to this, but it is what it is.

As I was having my devotions my bible reading had me reading in John.  Jesus was telling the man at the pool to believe and get up and walk.  This is in John 5: 1-9.  Joyce Meyers says she struggled many of her adult years with believing.  She was an achiever and she excelled in this arena.  God, however, wanted her believing.  This is exactly what I know God is wanting from me–believing.  I too have been an achiever all my life.  I had thought achieving gave value.  We all know this story.  Putting the substance to believing is still somewhat of a mystery to me.  I had a 2.5 hour meeting Sunday afternoon with 3 others about the new recovery ministries we wish to start.  I was wanting to get them going the first of the year.  However, everyone in the room felt I was pushing them.  I look at it today and see I was wanting to achieve.  I need to spend time believing God already is preparing the leaders and He is likewise preparing me to be leading His way rather than my way.

I’ve got much to learn about believing but today I am believing I can be a strong believer!  I’ve already started by writing in my journal that I am a believer who believes.  I’ve got to say this several times today so I can practice living it.  Join me if this is something God is nudging you to also do.

Today is a quiet victory.  As yesterday was beginning for me, I had arisen early and had read my devotional and my Bible.  I was getting ready to journal when the electricity went off.  It flickered 3 times and then stayed off for about 1.5 hrs.  We live close to our church so I was afraid we would have huge issues having our last production of the Christmas program which was at 10:00 am.  The power resumed at 8:30 so all was well.  As I experienced the program one last time I felt once again the deep remorse (need) to settle once and for all the hurts deeply imbedded in me from dad and my childhood.  I didn’t have time to think about it during the program nor afterwards.  As soon as it ended I had a meeting scheduled with 3 others organizing steps to be taken for our expanding recovery programs at church.  As soon as this was done my quartet was singing for a gentleman’s 80th birthday party.  When I got home about 4 pm I needed to pack and prepare to leave this morning for central Idaho where I’m assisting with a federal program review for 3 days.  Then this morning arrived—-.

As I was having my devotions I felt God nudging me to address the deep remorse I’ve felt each presentation of our program and all the different times I’ve practiced it on my own the past few months.  So, I did.  I journaled to dad telling him how much this boy in me wanted to know his love and support when I was actually a boy.  Instead I was given such criticism and even beatings for being who I was then.  I had a huge emptiness inside which wanted to give and receive love.  (I knew dad had died a Christian and had lived as a born again Christian.  Yet, I despised so much about him.)  If you’ve read my book you know the story about dad telling me he wanted me to write the book letting people know he didn’t do his job as father well.  Somehow, even though I knew all of this, deep within I still ached to love my dad.  So this morning I was able to tell dad all of this and that I not only longed to love him, I did love him and I forgive him.  With all of this I let go of the entire past hurt to God Almighty, Jesus my Lord and Savior and The Holy Spirit.  They can do with it only what they do when we finally let it go.

As I asked God what He wanted me to know from Him this morning, He said, “Earnie, now you and your dad can both live as new creations today and henceforth.  You can know your past and use it in the ministries of recovery but this past hurt and agony can now be a powerful tool for you rather than a sense of shame which you need to tell but desire to still hide.”  I wept at this point.  I know I need time to let all of this sink in fully, but I am freer than I’ve ever been as I write this.  Praise God and His Three in One Team!

Today I feel like a ton of bricks is sitting within my head.  My quartet was singing for the funeral of our bass’s mom.  She was loved and respected very much like my own mother.  There was a beautiful bouquet of lilies right smack in front of where we stood each time we sang.  That’s all it took.  I am so allergic to those critters!  I use to get sicker than a dog from an exposure like that before I had my sinus surgery and got rid of all the pockets of sinus infection.  Today, an exposure like that still shuts down my sinus passages so all the pressure I feel is the passages which have swollen shut temporarily from the exposure.  However, it will subside within today and I’ll be fine for day 2 of our Christmas production this afternoon.

As I was having my devotions this morning I realized how much an allergy attack is like a temptation.  It seems a temptation is always attractive at least to the one receiving it.  Most people know I love gardening and flowers.  So when I saw the lilies yesterday I knew immediately to ask to have them removed or at least placed farther away from where they were sitting.  I didn’t go smell them but I didn’t say a word and so they had their full effect on me.  In Celebrate Recovery I’ve learned well my need to call for help when I am tempted.  If I do I get help immediately.  If I don’t  and I try to handle it on my own——well, I will end up just like I’m feeling today–a ton of bricks weighing me down.  Then I have to tell a different story.  The first telling would have removed the problem.  The second telling has to confess the consequence of not telling the first one.

God seems to know how to turn every situation into a lesson.  I want to be a good student and learn well from Him.  Today is no exception.  I love my Teacher!

Yesterday was an amazing day.  As I had posted yesterday, it started with anxiety and dread.  However, after renewing my mind with God during devotions I was equipped and ready to head into it.  What is so amazing is that all the things I’d written in my journal I was needing to address were either addressed or will be today, and I got much, much more done than I’d ever anticipated.

Today as I was having my devotional time I found myself rereading in Luke 23:39-43 the part about the one thief on the cross scolding the other thief for criticizing Jesus and challenging him to do something miraculous.  In fact, the one thief recognized the magnificence of Jesus and asked him to remember him when he entered into glory.  Christ’s response was that this thief would be with him in Paradise that day.  What was so amazing to me was that this thief went from a criminal to a believer in that instant.  He saw Jesus for Who He Is.  Jesus then saw the criminal for now believing what he wants all of us to believe–Christ came to be our Savior.  With that, the criminal was saved.  This was just a few hours before death for both of them.

I bring this point out because it just doesn’t matter what our charges are that Satan holds over our heads making us believe we are not acceptable to God.  Christ simply says to see Him as my Savior and receive Him and I will be saved.  It is not about saying the right words, it’s about believing the Truth of Who Christ Is and receiving Him.  We can do this early in life or as life is ending.  Christ just wants us.  He came for this very purpose.  Angels are waiting to rejoice too as each of us takes this step.  It has tremendous eternal value.

I haven’t been what man calls a criminal, but I have been what God calls lost.  I’ve been lost believing lies of value and worth and lies of how I must prove myself worthy of Christ’s Kingdom He invites us to.  Now that I’m much more awake to this I know Christ is wanting me to hold this torch of truth high so others can see and know this Kind and Loving Savior who came who came some 2000 years ago.  If you don’t know Christ as this Savior, take a moment and believe.  He’s right there (here).

Today’s journey started with me awakening at 4:20 am full of dread.  Each evening of this week I’ve been involved in the dress rehearsals for our church’s Christmas production which will take place Friday, Saturday and Sunday this weekend.  Tonight is the last dress rehearsal.  There is a good deal of dance type movement and much to memorize.  Both of these cause anxiety!  Along with them I’ve had contacts from the state dept of ed the past two evenings asking that I help with a couple federal program reviews they conduct annually.  I already do this but in both cases someone has needed to drop out from the review team for emergencies.  This is typically a no-stressor.   Along with this I have meetings set to organize for the new recovery ministries we will be starting after the first of the year, and then I also have the current ministries to keep my part going well.  The anxiety of the production this weekend was spreading quickly into all these other ministry areas.  (This was suppose to be the morning I’d sleep extra since I don’t have to be to the school I’m working with until 9:00 am).  God had a teaching moment for me.

As I got to my devotions this morning I was emotionally sensing I’m overloaded and cannot do any of this well–old thinking.  God immediately reminded me that my job is to “renew my mind” each morning as He tells us in Romans 12:2.  It says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–His good, pleasing and perfect will.” None of what I’m doing is overtaxing me.  What overtaxes me is the old belief system I’ve had that I’m incapable of doing important work well but I’m driven to try and do it so I can earn my value.

It was good to write down what I’ve got going and in so doing see that these are routine things I’ve done in the past and am now simply doing it with new topics being inserted.  The idea I don’t dance and memorize well is a given.  However, there are a number of the participants who are just like me.  God’s truth expels the fears of darkness which easily overtake us.  God had an important lesson for me today that I’m glad to have taken part in.  He truly is an intimate Father who leads us into His Kingdom Work a step at a time when we remember to “renew our mind” with Him each day.  (I’ll probably take a little nap later this afternoon before tonight’s rehearsal!)

God is really wanting me to understand and believe something I’ve hoped all my life, but not had a tangible belief it was real until now.  What I’m talking about started in yesterday’s post.  Luke 16:13 says “we cannot serve two masters for we will hate the one and love the other….”  Most of my life I’ve been trapped in a repeated pattern of struggling with the temptation to briefly use porn as a sedative distracting  me from the memories of my past or just to get rid of the temptation.  However, when I was in high school I was given the verse I Corinthians 10:13 where God promises to give me the strength to endure a temptation.  It says He won’t allow a temptation bigger than I can handle.  I’ve craved all my life for this to be true for me.  Many times it has been but every once in a while–it is not.  I knew I was the weak one and I used to think I was the “step child who wasn’t cared about”.

Now that I know Christ is in command of my brain and lives there along with The Holy Spirit, I am better understanding that the power to resist comes from this grounding.  I’ve learned my need to tell my temptation at the time it comes–especially the ones which I tend to cave into.  I was journaling about this step and God said something like, “Now that you are better grounded in ‘renewing your mind each day’ go ahead and make the call when temptation arrives.  You know Christ lives in your heart and mind so let Him now enact Our Power as you obey Our command to you.”

I’m going to be taking this step as temptations come.  I’ve already had the conversation with my accountability person.  These times of attack are clever in that Satan doesn’t want me free each day.  However, I now know that God’s promises are as real for me as I’ve known they are for each  of you.  I thank God for His patient endurance with me as I learn to more fully believe in His promises.

Luke 16:13 says we cannot serve two masters for, “we will hate the one and love the other….”  This verse really spoke to me today in my Bible reading, especially in light of fully addressing bad habits, addictions we develop from abuse, neglect, whatever life gives us.  I’ve talked about the fact that I use to make excuses for my “sin” (addiction to running to porn) because it was my release–my escape–my cave.  When I was finally able to see that sin was sin and that there were no excuses for mine, I had to face the truth of this scripture.  Sin is a master when I do any of the above trying to make an excuse for it rather than trusting the God who gave me His Son to take that sin and nail it to the Cross.

As I was journaling about this topic this morning I told God this was why I struggled to give my mind over to Him.  It wasn’t so much that I wanted to keep my “sin”, but the memories of all my sin and the sin done to me as well as the temptations to step into it were there and they were so evil and ugly.  In myself I see me as the 67 year old man I am so why would someone like me still struggle?  Why am I not stronger than this?  God told me that I may be old in years, but to Him I am a young child in this area now learning to obey what this scripture tells me.  Satan would have me believing I’m simply lost due to this sinfulness but God has a very different promise for me (you too!).

There is a simple promise God gives us:  “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be saved.” Acts 16:31.  This promise is that I am saved because I believe on the Lord Jesus Christ.  However, Saved doesn’t remove my humanness.  It gives me a bigger promise and that is that in spite of my humanness, God has saved me.  There is so much freedom in Christ once we step into the Light of His Promises for us.  I choose to stay in the Light of my Lord and Savior–Jesus Christ.

These past 4 days of Thanksgiving weekend, in spite of the whirlwind of activity had an intense amount of reflecting.  Maybe this is partly because of my age, but I also know I have learned the importance of doing my own reflection and helping others to do so.  As I go into this week I almost feel a sense of loss in that the busyness of day to day activity will replace the reflecting time.  This isn’t as true for me since I’m semi-retired.  I find it true for those around me where life has them caught.  I know this life all too well.  Taking a daily moment however to reflect on the new day and getting God positioned into it as our Lord and Savior + Our Guide and Friend is so important.  His guiding voice will help us with the planned and unplanned events of the day.  I want to be good at this but I have a “lot of Earnie” to deal with in order to hear and act on God’s nudges as He wants me doing.

Starting tonight we have a week of dress rehearsals for our choir production this weekend.  It is magnificent.  I have all the fears wanting to spring up inside of me saying:  “I can’t do this”, “Why did I ever get myself involved in something requiring dancing and memorizing?,” “You’re too old to be doing something important like this!,” and more.  However, right under each of these striking fears is God’s still small voice telling me He put me here and to trust Him to do His Work.  Keep Him in mind that this is all for Him while I do my part for He will help me with mine as the times come.  I love Him for this.  It is this quiet, reassuring message that helps keep me focused on what is most important and why it is so important.  To God be all Glory!

Yesterday was a remarkable day.  One of our Celebrate Recovery men had scheduled to share his inventory with me.  I knew to prepare for it as he’d told me he needed to share some things which were similar to my own past abuse.  As he began to share I was stricken by so many similarities to my own story.  I kept reminding myself to listen and not let his story become my own bringing forth of fears and anxieties.  I kept letting go so I could let God guide his speaking and my responses.  After about 20 minutes of this I was able to relax and truly engage.  The warfare was in the right hands–God’s.

This had reminded me of a few years back when I was younger in Celebrate Recovery.  A young man had asked me to be his sponsor and he scheduled a time to share his inventory with me.  I knew nothing about his story–or little about it.  As we met the first time and he began to share a past of abuse so much like my own I could hardly stand it.  I had steeled myself to simply sit there and endure it as though it were happening to me all over again.  After that session I called my own sponsor and broke down and bawled.  I then went to my counselor and asked what I could do about this?  I was young in meeting with my own counselor/therapist at this time.  She taught me about preparing for warfare ahead of these times of sharing.  Satan is wanting to use them to get the sponsor too.  His manipulative ways when roots of a story are within you too can be easily used to get you back into the bondage of sin.

Yesterday wasn’t this way.  The three hours we met were remarkably in God’s hands.  I know God has intentions for this man who shared his story.  I was so glad I got to be a tool of God for him.  Later in the day I had a call from a lady I’ve known many years.  She’s read my book and wanted to tell me about her friend who had looked her up and told her about her son.  He’s newly married but had confessed his own sexual abuse in childhood he’d never told his mom about.  He’s filled with fear and shame because of it.  My book is being given to him so hopefully God can loosen Satan’s grip of bondage by showing that other men have a past too which God has restored.  The grip of bondage starts to be broken when we can tell someone.  This morning I’ve prayed for the one who shared with me yesterday and this young man I’ve never met.  God uses every hurt and replaces it with His genuine Love and Mercy as we are able to surrender and tell.  He is so remarkable in how He does this.