Today’s journey has a new creation writing it.  That makes me smile just typing this message into script.  The difference in today’s writing of it and in previous writing is that “hope” for this being true is replaced with “assurance” that it is done.  Maybe what I’m about to write here has never been confusing for you, but I’ve spent my entire life wishing beyond hope that someday I could be complete in God.  Well, the other night when I heard that the throne of my life is my amygdala (limbic portion of our brain) I just wanted to throw in the towel.  How in the world could the throne of God’s Son be in such a place?  It didn’t seem special at all and Christ’s throne should be something spectacular–right?  Well, wrong.  All day yesterday and last night I’ve been pondering this as true and God has done nothing more than reassure its validity.  In the amygdala of our brain lies our total security.  Our reflexes, instincts, emotions are all triggered from this part.  When God created us originally we had full assurance of our security because He was there on the throne–our anchor in any strife.  Yet, He gave man a choice.  Adam and Eve replaced Him on their throne with themselves by choice.  I’m sure they didn’t know their consequences like we now do, but nonetheless, it is true.  We as man need to choose to place him there removing ourselves from this ownership.

I’ve hated and loved emotions my whole life.  Emotions were what dad didn’t handle.  They triggered him to beat us, tear down any sense of accomplishment we might have had in childhood, and more.  All this left my developing mind thinking I must do it on my own.  This has been the root cause of my insecurities.  Coupled with this, my brother’s sexual use added to the lack of manliness I felt.  Now, however, I’ve finally found the throne for Christ and it is just where God wants it–the core of my belief system.  The only thing I was right about was that this core is not spectacular.  What makes it spectacular is Christ being there.  Nothing earthly was spectacular about Christ.  He Himself was the spectacular.  He came to bring this to you and me.  Wow, I feel as though I’ve discovered the most precious gift of all–I guess I have too.  He was already there waiting for me to finally catch on to what He had done and where He did it.

By the way, I installed that crazy control box myself yesterday in less than an hour and had each zone tested.  The anxiety  was gone and I just followed the directions.  Seems so simple, yet this one act allowed me to be confirmed that Earnie is now OK.  I won’t be without battle in the future, but I do have an assurance I’ve not known rooted deeply within me.  My beliefs of old have now been erased and replaced.  They are not forgotten for I will celebrate this the rest of my human life.  I do hope this entry makes sense for you.

Yesterday was a day where the journey took me face to face with a haunting reality still existing within me.  I’ve been spending time the past few days getting my yard ready for winter which includes winterizing our pool.  I went out to start on that project yesterday morning after completing the writing of the talk for Sterling’s funeral service.  I was surprised to see the yard’s sprinkling system working.  It only runs 3 days a week now but it always cycles through by 4:00 am and it was about 8:10 am.  I went to the control box and hit the advance button to shut it off.  Instead, I got an error message.  In researching it I eventually found out that the control box had shorted out and needed replaced.  This threw me into a panic as any mechanical thing does.  My younger brother, who has been my go to person is at the coast for the week so I couldn’t rely on him.  I called a good friend and he assured me this is easy and I can do it.  I knew I couldn’t but didn’t want to sound that insecure.  I finally got the courage to go to Home Depot to buy a replacement.  It says something like “quick and easy” installation–RIGHT!  I only had an hour before I would now be leaving for my grandson’s football game so I left it for today feeling most insecure.

Last night was the third night of our new Conquer series for men who struggle with sexual addictive patterns.  The DVD was strikingly fitting for me.  The speakers in it were saying that “our heart” where Christ resides is in the limbic portion of our brain where all instinctive behavior resides–survival.  Several other “questionable” things were said which left me needing to ponder.  These were statements like:

• All behavior is based on belief and not knowledge
• Our heart and our flesh are the limbic part of the brain
• Acting out is a survival mechanism keeping us from getting healthy

An assignment for the group was to write 10 worst moments of our life.  I did this and all of them are housed in the portion of my book:  Years of Abuse.  The only exception was my divorce which is in:  The Secret.  The logic behind doing this was to indicate that the trauma caused from these events had a stronghold within our survival part of the brain–amygdala (part of the limbic system).  I instantly thought about the fear and insecurity I had felt all day regarding the control box.

I got home last night knowing I needed to address these things but felt trapped.  At 3:03 am I was awake knowing I had to get up and get to work on these.  The next two hours were simply amazing.  I started with my devotions which led to journaling.  I asked God to help me understand all that last night stated.  My logical mind was battling with what seemed illogical.  He walked me through all 10 of the items I’d written down showing me how these times had left me believing I may be a man, but I was highly at risk at proving it.  Thus, why I’ve been so performance driven and why intimacy has been such an issue all my life.  He also said that now that I realize this, I can finally accept the gift of His Holy Spirit which carries within “the new creation” He has always wanted me to accept and be.  It doesn’t change the man I am on the outside but it sure does change this man on the inside.  My manliness is not at risk–Satan has always wanted me to think this.  He has hugely thrown my past before me making me think much less of myself.  Even though I had forgiven Rich and dad, I had never completely restored my inner being as humanly whole so Christ’s work on the Cross could give me a “new creation”–still me but totally transformed within.

This happened this morning.  The last part of last night’s assignment was to write a letter to myself to carry and read at a time of temptation.  I’ve now done this.  I think I’m ready to write the next section of my book.  It will be called:  The New Creation.  I’ve struggled with being the new creation for many months now.  Today the struggle is gone–at least momentarily it is gone.  The difference now is that I have tools for addressing this old belief system that has haunted me all my life.  God is so good and faithful!

Have you ever wondered what spirit-led living looks like?  I have pondered this lots of times but have never done more than continue to wonder about it.  I do know I am more anchored in my belief that I am a new creation because of the work of Jesus Christ on the Cross of Calvary and His Gift–The Holy Spirit.  However, I know that my beliefs in living day to day with The Holy Spirit’s lead in my life is far more conceptual than it is practical.  I can talk this, but live it?  Yesterday I talked to one of our pastors about this.  I had gone to the church to work through some “next steps” with the ministry started for men struggling with sexual addiction.  This was done and I was on my way out.  Last week I’d started a conversation with our newest pastor about the topic of spirit-led living and I had a few more questions–mainly, how does one make this practical?  He said I was probably better at this then I give myself credit for being, but for me, I just know how “self-driven” I am.  I also knew I wanted the Holy Spirit living in me so I wouldn’t sin any longer–selfish thinking.  I’m learning in my investigation of this that God wants us to surrender our will so He and His work through His Son Jesus can be glorified by our living each day.  Spirit-led living is about our day to day living glorifying God and promoting His relationship with mankind.  I’ve never put words to this topic as I’m trying to do now so please bear with me.

Did I mention that I’m asked to conduct my brother in law’s funeral service?  I met with Sterling’s wife and his kids yesterday.  There is some strife trying to get things which please everyone.  I suppose this is true almost always.  The worst and the best of us seems to come out in these times of high emotion along with sleeplessness.  As I do this I know this is a time when God wants me doing His bidding as He has told me in times past.  I’m seeking His wisdom and leadership in this.  Sterling was a very good man who had accepted Christ as his Savior.  Now that I’ve just written this statement, I see the words I’ve been looking for to describe him.  Sterling had a moral compass that was built on biblical purpose.  Sterling never put Jesus name to his living, he just lived a good life modeling Christ-likeness.  I always loved him for this.  I think this is part of what God is wanting me to say for his service Friday morning.  I’ll get busy now and get on paper what I’ve been struggling to write.

The journey of today is beginning.  I awoke a little before 5 am with a mind full of things that needed to be addressed “right now”.  Of course it was a little early to call the church office and get some things in the bulletin for next Sunday and schedule a meeting with one of the pastors, etc.  However, I was needing to organize some things needing attention.  Also, God was wanting to speak to me about them.  He often uses the phrase–“do my bidding” when I hear Him speak to me.  This morning I researched that phrase.  It is simple–follow through with the commands given.  He is also telling me to do it in His way and not my own.  One of the ministries we recently started is having a very difficult time getting grounded.  It is the one for sexual addiction.  I think the title alone tells why it is having such a difficult time.  Everything that can possibly go wrong is happening.  The leadership is in turmoil, constantly getting sick, relapses and more.  Satan sure doesn’t want this stronghold tampered with.  But, we will persevere as long as God is pressing in.  This is one of those places where He is telling me to do His bidding.  So, I am moving forward and meeting with our adult pastor to do so.

I am forever needing to be reminded of the Serenity Prayer’s line:  “…one day at a time, one moment at a time–accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.”  These difficult situations are only difficult in man’s eyes.  Once I get my “new self” focused on the spiritual forces involved I relax knowing this battle is not mine.  God is wanting me to do his bidding and He will take care of the battle.  For each one of us He has already fought and won the sin battle.  However, for each of us, we have to be reminded of this time and again–one day at a time and one moment at a time.  When I do this I am then able to take the hardship and watch God make it into a pathway to peace–His peace given to me and each one of us.

Yesterday morning my brother in law left this earth to be with Jesus and a host of others welcoming him.  It wasn’t a surprise to his family, but as loss is–it still must be grieved.  My nieces and nephews asked if I’d conduct his service.  I’d done this a few years back when another brother in law passed.  That was the only time I’d ever done something like this.  Now it is happening again with Sterling.  Of course I said yes.  As so many others, I loved this man.  He was so unique in character and skills.  His service will be a time of reflecting and celebrating.

This morning’s devotional–“Every Day in His Presence” had a profound, yet simple message.  Its title is:  It is not enough to listen.  It goes on to say that listening is only a start.  It says, “True listening has a crucial companion:  obedience.”  This message hit me like a sledge hammer–not in a negative way, but one that wakes you up.  There has been so much about God’s Word that speaks to me–to us.  As we read/hear it, we are to obey it–what it is saying to us.  Much of God’s word I would obey.  However, there were times when I knew I should do something like share a message with someone and I’d shy back from it.  This was particularly true before I’d opened up about my past.  Even after I’d begun to speak of it I’d be paralyzed with fear of telling.  I’ve learned a great deal about obedience in this area.  God nudges us to take these steps of obedience to help someone else that needs our words, our support–whatever it is.  God has our paths cross so that we can shed His Light where they are experiencing darkness.

Satan often has a heyday with us in the arena of obedience.  He can plant so many seeds of doubt.  Even our own pride gets in the way with this.  This morning I was awakened once again to this truth about God’s voice speaking.  I want to be a good listener and an obedient servant to Him.

How can so much happen in a day and yet there is little, if anything, to show for it?  Yesterday I spent the entire morning talking with different ones calling about Celebrate Recovery things:  personal problems to program pieces needing help.  None of the calls were expected and each one was important.  The afternoon came and I went to see my brother in law in the hospital to find he was sent home.  He is not going to be with us much longer I am told.  I went to the house and spent time with his wife and my nieces and nephews present.  Later in the day I got a call from a school district that wants me to work for them for a couple months while the administrator is out of the country on personal matters.  It would be November and December.  I told them yes as those are months with not too much going on that is planned at this point.  It is a 3 day a week commitment.

This morning I felt like I’d betrayed someone as I was having my devotions.  I couldn’t put my finger on it.  It just seemed like I couldn’t focus on the scripture reading and devotional reading.  As I journaled all I could do was hit upon things I should do but….  I then asked God to clarify what all this is about.  Why I waited so long to ask this is its own issue.  His response was immediate.  He reminded me that I’m a new creation.  When I got the call from the school district yesterday afternoon I felt good about being asked.  I said yes to doing it knowing it is short term and part-time during the period.  However, I was feeling guilty for taking an assignment like this.  Not so long ago I would have taken this to keep myself piled high with assignments.  I kept busy and in denial this way to the hurts of my old self.  God told me this morning to rejoice with Him in the assignment.  I can go into it as a new creation, not hiding anything.  That is so freeing!

Even though there is no concrete evidence of anything getting done yesterday, I was able to complete what God had put before me.  The tulips aren’t planted but they can wait.  They will bloom next spring regardless of which day I get them in the ground.

Life’s journey is connected in many ways to those around us–working relationships, family relationships, community ones and informational ones.  However, our personal journey is still our own.  In the same way others connect to us and impact us, we do the same for them.  I serve on a board for a start-up organization for teen girls who have been taken off the street for sex trafficking.  I’ve mentioned this several times over the weeks of blogging.  After the meeting a month ago one of the members contacted me saying I need to be cautious in how I communicate about this group.  A person who I know told another person we were no longer going to build this.  She thought I should know.  I didn’t even know who she was talking about and I’ve stewed about this for a month.  I’ve never considered myself a gossip and I actually hate even being around it.  In last night’s meeting this topic came up again.  I told the one member I still didn’t know who she was referencing that I’d talk to.  She said that I hadn’t talked to them.  They had only heard this information and knew I was on the board for the group.  I just found it amazing how a relationship can influence.  This morning God told me to now let it go.  There was no truth to the accusation and I can go forward.  I’m sure there is a lesson in this for me but right now I’m just glad to know I didn’t cause a circle of gossiping.

I would ask for prayer for this start-up work.  We are trying to find land to build or a site we can occupy.  The need is huge in this area but for some reason the Lord is not ready.  I’m calling the realtor working with us this morning to get moving on a couple sites we could occupy.  Anyway, your prayers would be appreciated.

A year ago when I was cleaning my flower beds for the winter I found that voles had eaten many of my tulip bulbs–hundreds of them.  I was so disgusted and poisoned them.  They are gone but so were my tulips this spring.  Yesterday the box of new bulbs arrived that I ordered this summer.  So, much of today will be rejoicing in the flower beds anticipating what next spring will look like with all new bulbs blooming from today’s planting!

Have you ever slept until noon?  I awoke this morning about 5:00 am thinking I’d try and sleep a little longer.  I then awoke at almost 7:00 am.  I had that sense that my day was half gone.  Now, onto real life.

I was at our church yesterday morning having a needed conversation with a couple of our pastors.  I then went to complete some materials needed for our Celebrate Recovery last night.  When all of this was done it was approaching noon and I was going to go see my brother in law who had broken his leg and is physically very fragile.  He, by the way, came through his surgery very well.  His kids and grandkids were preparing for the worst but God gave him more time with them and they were all praising God for this.  Before heading to the hospital I was asked to have lunch by our newer pastor which I did ahead of visiting the hospital.

I enjoy this young man very much.  We engaged a conversation about living a Spirit-filled life.  My denomination use to preach a great deal about being sanctified which meant giving full surrender of your life to live for God.  This would take place sometime after you accepted Christ into your heart.  The abuse of my past had always caused me to struggle tremendously thinking I was never good enough for God’s Holy Spirit to live in my heart.  Now this is being corrected in my beliefs.  However, the consciousness of living fully awake to God’s Spirit is just starting.  I know this is important.  I also know I don’t want to live outside of God’s leading.  I’m going to be intentionally learning what I can but to also apply all I can.  I know this is about “being” spirit-filled and not just “doing” spirit-filled.  I want to be God’s servant.  I want to do because of what I am.  I don’t want to do to hopefully earn the rights as I lived for so long.

Yes, indeed, the journey continues.  It seems today’s assignments continue to address what wasn’t finished yesterday.  There are a couple more confrontations to contend with and then to some family items.  Last night I was called by a family member informing me that my oldest living sis fell and has a few stitches and much bruising, my brother-in-law (who was married to my oldest sis) fell and broke the femur bone.  He is really fragile but they need to do surgery and set the bone.  My nephew in law’s cancer treatment has been stymied with complications.  I was asking God this morning what He was wanting me to do in all of this?  It was instant that I sensed Him reminding me to simply be present for them.  He is their Savior and Lord and I don’t need to try and step into any of His work.  I just need to be a loving family member.  It is funny how I know this, but it is good to be reminded.

The Conquer Series our church is sponsoring right now for men and women struggling with and from sexual addiction met for the second time last night.  I led a small group which followed watching the DVD.  We were starting the accountability within the ones coming.  In the small group we each told what specifically we needed to be asked when called. We want the calls and questions asked to trigger the truth of our struggle and truth for the times of temptation.  I found myself telling the others that I needed to be asked how I am doing with my relationship with God my Father–am I anchored in my value to Him?

Since I’ve begun to journal to God my Father these past few weeks, I find myself needing to do two things:  anchored the day with His leadership in my life, and secure my knowing that He really cares for me.  When this two are anchored I have trust and faith that I don’t need to succumb to old habits in order to feel good about living.  The others said this would be helpful for them too.  Somehow, we get into our heads that overcoming is about our work.  God is so faithful in reminding me about His Work through His Son Jesus Christ and His Gift–The Holy Spirit.  When I am anchored in my day with them, I can move forward through the day facing whatever is ahead.  Temptations will come, but fighting them is not what I do–I surrender them to those who have defeated them already and the one who is triggering them.

God is bringing clarity for me about my human and my spiritual natures. My human nature is so instinctive that I automatically think it is the driving one and the right one.  Let me explain–Yesterday I had a day of addressing several “issues” which needed man addressing man about problems that had been created.  In each case man took charge of areas which needed attention, but in so doing, he chose to do it his way rather than checking to see if his way fit with the others involved.   Why so many had come to head all at once was a mystery.  However, for me, it was a wake up of surrender.  I had prayed about the situations and knew I must face them with the others involved.  Just as one would predict when standing on the sideline and watching God do His work when asked, each problem was resolved without incident.  No one wanted to be a “hog of leadership”.  Each one was wanting to do what he thought was best.  All I did was point out the issue and asked to bring the others connected into the decision making ahead of taking action.  The spirit of human nature is a selfish nature instinctively.  However, when we surrender our will to the Will of our Father, our spirit becomes empowered to complete God’s purposes.

So, this morning I was journaling about a person who is struggling with some physical battles.  God promised him several months ago He would bring healing to him.  In the meantime he has taken many human steps to find the answers to the physical pain wondering all the time if these steps were ones God was wanting him to take.  Now he is questioning his steps–were they steps of faith or steps of humanness?  He has found no release and instead, more pain.  I was asking God to make His ways clear to this man.  All of a sudden I was challenged to ask God what He was wanting me to do in response to this man instead of asking God to respond to him.  God reminded me He was already responding to him.  This man needs his support team to be responding to Him in ways that minister to this man with spiritual guidance.  I sure don’t want to be a friend like Job’s friends were to him.

God is truly amazing.  I know that when I accepted Christ into my heart, He gave me His Holy Spirit to lead me.  I want to become a great responder to The Holy Spirit’s leading in my life.  God doesn’t need me telling him what I’d like for Him to do as much as He wants me listening to His Gift–The Holy Spirit and doing what He leads me to do.  Lets pray for one another to be great listeners to our Holy Spirit within.