It is nice to be home from the men’s retreat and especially nice to sleep in one’s own bed.  I’ve never been too fussy about the bed in which I sleep, but that wasn’t the case this weekend.  However, I don’t think that connects too well to any journey–just a fact of life.

I was journaling this morning about what I’d taken from the weekend.  The list contained several items, all of which I needed to confront something or have a talk with someone.  It was troubling over the weekend because I’ve never been one to back away from a confrontation when needed, but I’ve always wanted to confront something in a Christ-like way rather than just man’s temper or emotions.  As I was taking this to God this morning I felt Him confirming in me to trust my heart.  He lives there.  This reality is being awakened in me and that I can trust it.  In fact, I wrote in my journal to trust my heart and not my mind.  This was a brand new statement.  I’ve always trusted my mind.  However, in the past weeks I’ve truly begun to learn that it is in my mind that I am tempted, it is not in my heart.  My mind responds to my heart, not the other way around.  I’ve always thought my heart was the home of my emotions.  Now I’m realizing more fully that, yes, emotions play a big part with my heart, but they also play a big part with my mind.  The new reality is that my heart knows how to work with them while my mind wants to separate itself from them.  There’s much more to experience along this line, but this is the most current for me.

The other thing from the weekend that is being strengthened is the truth about each of us needing to work with a team.  This team must be one we can be fully transparent with.  We do need God’s Team on this, but the human element of the team is critical.  Being fully open and honest with God and someone we trust (James 5:16) is a must for living in freedom from one day to the next.

God’s faithfulness is my closing paragraph.  I am continuously amazed as I live in my new self.  There is just nothing about God that resembles the old fears I had.  The Jesus Christ we love, respect and cherish–The Holy Spirit given as our gift are not to replace the love of our Father, they are the love of our Father.  God our Father is the very One who gave them to us so we could better know and understand Him.  How much I want to grow in all of this.

Yesterday afternoon I left home to drive to our men’s retreat which takes place through noon tomorrow. The chance to write much here won’t take place. So I’ll see you Monday morning. Gods blessings to you. 

God is working to awaken in me His Spiritual Strength which I’m surrounded with throughout each day.  In our egotistical self we somehow think we manage and create what is around us.  Little do I (we) comprehend the immense strength and power that can at any point annihilate all of this.  Let me put some substance to what I’m writing about in this.

Yesterday I started with what a collision looks like in this Spiritual world we live in.  Somehow the collision I was thinking would happen in the Tuesday and Wednesday events would be noticeable.  Well, they were hugely noticeable within me but no one knew anything about them unless I said something.  We notice things from the outside and in what we see humanly.  Inside me I was getting so anxious that I was consumed and only wanting the events to be done.  God was faithfully assuring me to stay surrendered to Him and let Him work.  I also needed to stay “present” in the events.  I was not to go into that protective mode where I was physically present but mentally someplace else.  This mode was what I called my cave in times past.  OK.  That’s my collision reality.  I can’t begin to tell you how many people have commented to me, text me and thanked me for the music our quartet brought Wednesday night.  What was a collision for me was once again a tool of God’s Spirit working.  He wanted me to know this and that the ministry of music I used to use to hide behind is now able to be used with my recovery message right in my recovery meetings.

This morning God was prompting me to take a look at the darkness of night dissipating with the morning dawn.  It doesn’t happen quickly, but it does happen.  All of a sudden it is fully light.  God was pointing out that His Spiritual Light is not different in how it works  within us.  When our human darkness is being penetrated with God’s Spiritual Light there is spiritual friction that we intensely feel within. This was the collision I was sensing earlier this week.  What wins?  Every time God’s Light wins if we stay with Him in this.  The promise of this is just what He was showing me with the morning dawn.  There has never been a day where His sun’s (Son’s) Light didn’t shine.  In our world there is a 24 hour pattern to this which is very predictable.  However, our spiritual light is just as predictable if we remember the God who created both.

Last night I went to another Celebrate Recovery that meets on Thursday nights.  It was their kickoff and I wanted to support them.  One of their men came up to me.  He had been to our kickoff on Wed.  He thanked me for our quartet’s music.  He said the songs we sang were just for him.  He had come to support us but he left feeling supported by God.  This is just one example of God’s Light penetrating man’s darkness.  Our God is truly Amazing and Almighty.

Do you know what a collision looks like in God’s Spiritual world?  I think I’m only beginning to understand this ever so slightly.  When God’s Light meets the darkness of this earthly world and the darkness of sin it is simply amazing.  I was expecting a knock-down fight.  Well, all it was for me in both Tuesday and Wednesday events was God’s amazing presence working in the lives of people including mine.  I found myself free to speak and sing God’s glory and hear and see the effects of God’s miraculous healing in the lives of those who gave their testimonies.  God’s light obliterates fear and that’s what happened last night.  There were 62 present for our Celebrate Recovery kickoff.  I stand amazed in the presence of this Almighty God we serve!  There are things man does to help men fell safe.  However, there is nothing life the presence of God’s Holy Spirit to expel anything unsafe.  His presence simply does not allow the presence of evil.  Why it has taken me so long to begin to realize this is just the facts of my journey.  I hope my blog writing will help others expel their fears of trusting God to work what He is wanting to do in your life just as He is in mine.

I had a man call me yesterday afternoon while I was driving home from work.  He had heard about my book and wanted one.  He told me briefly of his sexual abuse when he was a boy.  It has haunted him for years.  I invited him to come last night to our kickoff and he came.  He told me afterwards how his fear had dissipated during the evening.  God was showing him it was safe to bring his story of abuse out in the open for help.  We do not need to live in the bondage of our past.

To God be all glory!

The collision hit last night.  There were 12 men who came to the start for our church’s Conquer series dealing with sexual addiction.  I found myself glad to be there and fully ready.  There was no angst, only eagerness to learn and apply from my heart and leadership of God’s Holy Spirit within me.  I am so grateful for the awakening of yesterday.  I cannot say I’m fully at peace about tonight, this seems much bigger to me–facing this giant of singing as a mask to cover who I am.  I now know the truth and am going to trust today.  I am a new creation and will live within this truth trusting each moment.

Yesterday, as I was going through much of my Celebrate Recovery materials preparing for tonight I found a poem I’d written in 2010 and revised in 2011.  I don’t think I ever shared it with anyone, it simply expressed what God and His Team were and are doing in my life.  It fits well with my present realities in this journey so I’m going to post it today.  It is called:  Freedom At Last.

FREEDOM AT LAST

 The freedom of Christ, what glory, what a prize

That I could ever have it was a hope much too sublime.

For 60+ years the chains held me tight

The promises of God were for others’ life plights.

Mine was embedded so deeply within

And Satan had me believing there was no hope for my sin.

It’s a paradox truly, my life unfolding

For the Savior was within but I thought for others He was holding.

To me, He showed His love by answering my prayers

Always for others who were needing God’s tender loving care.

Much satisfaction I found and it’s actually true

That God does love others and showed it using me too.

Little did I know my torment within

Was fueled by a belief–I was worthy just of sin.

The damages of a brother and father as well

Had removed the word “treasure”, for this soul deserved hell.

On the surface most knew I loved Jesus through and through

But when I called His name no one came to remove my awful shame.

Don’t feel bad however, for the saga doesn’t end

With promise unfulfilled–for Christ this boy does fend.

Through Celebrate Recovery and counseling too

Christ began to show He’s real not just for you but for me too!

The walls of protection I had built so long ago

Began to be identified, denial and insanity were beginning to show.

I didn’t know them by such terms for that was denial too.

For me, I used humor and sarcasm to promote laughter for me and you.

Celebrate Recovery promoted ways to freedom regardless the cost.

Counseling revealed the layers causing me to remain so lost.

Pain and sorrow, guilt and shame were a few of the demons I now call by name.

A heart made of flesh, not made of steel

Is what I’m now finding for that’s what makes me real.

God loves me–He made me–I am His child

He sent me Christ to be with me all the while.

The Holy Spirit is mine–Christ’s gift for inviting Him in.

His throne is my heart–my heart I’m just beginning to comprehend.

It’s not what I do that makes me God’s son

It’s who I am–His creation–made to be one.

This treasure I now know has a heart of flesh that’s called Christ’s home.

I’m humbled to find it within me–within this once damaged soul.

I was healed but didn’t know it but now I’m becoming free.

For the bondage of sin is broken–the debt of sin is paid for me.

I will forever celebrate this truth and from now on there is no doubt

The struggle is worth it, God’s plan is real, no one: not you or me is left out.

 Forever grateful,

Earnie

My journey today and tomorrow is bringing my past and present to a head.  I mentioned a few days ago about my angst with my quartet singing for our Celebrate Recovery kickoff tomorrow.  Tonight I’ll be attending the kickoff of our Conquer series which is for people who struggle with sexual addiction.  Both of these events have “collision” written in them for me.

My past sexual abuse left me with a propensity for sexual addiction.  It wasn’t until Celebrate Recovery and my years of therapy that I could separate my part from the abuse part.  The propensity for sexual addiction is my part and I must admit it (not staying in denial) and stay in close contact with my accountability.  This specific accountability  will be built in the next few weeks with the men who come.  Secondly, tomorrow night’s kickoff for Celebrate Recovery brings our quartet to front and center for me.

I say in my Celebrate Recovery testimony and in my book that God provided me with a teacher in high school who gave me the opportunity for singing.  I found when I sang that people were “blessed”.  They would tell me so.  Over the years I began to sooth my troubled belief system about my self worth with the fact that my singing made people feel good.  I somehow thought God gave me this gift so I could find worthiness.  Well, as the years progressed I never found worthiness, I only found singing to be my mask.  It was even a mask for the sexual issues I faced.

This morning as I was journaling with God regarding both of these He enlightened me with a few items He wanted me to now realize.  Both the sexual abuse and my singing to hide the effects of it are parts of my old self.  Today and tomorrow He wants to bring them to the forefront in the “new creation” He has given me.  I don’t need to be anxious about any of this for the old self has been replaced.  He wants me to trust Him to use all of this as part of His message in taking the mess of my life and turning it into His message for me.  He now wants me to honor Him by sharing His message of work within me.

The last thing He showed me this morning is the significant difference between my heart and my mind.  Once again He reminded me that I was created as a spiritual being in human form.  The home for the spirit being is my heart.  This is where Christ is on the throne and His Holy Spirit resides.  Satan cannot touch my heart for this is where Christ is and the power of His Holy Spirit–The Angel Army.  In my mind however there is ample room for Satan to work.  Sadly, our mind is where man places so much strength and authority.  This is what man educates.  In human flesh we live from our mind rather than from our heart.  This morning, God told me He wants me living from my heart.  Let my heart speak to my mind rather than my mind speaking to my heart.  This may sound trite, but in reality it was an awakening for me.  All spiritual power resides and waits for us to access it but it won’t happen from our mind.  We need to awaken to the fact our mind is Satan’s playground.  I see this so plainly today where I’ve been confused for so long.

I hope this makes sense for you that read it and hopefully it will be of assistance for you.  God is an amazing God.  I am now ready and wanting to go into today and tomorrow as a victorious saint, so grateful for God’s miraculous work in my life.

Having been away from home for a week and now getting back to the routine, I am having a moment of reflection about the worthiness of things.  Yesterday, we had to be at the airport by 5:45 am to catch our flight home after missing the connecting one Saturday night.  All was fine except I had a very full day yesterday that was being interrupted.  The step study group of men was coming to our house for a BBQ celebration of their commitment and growth.  I was giving them some information about next steps with Celebrate Recovery such as writing their testimony and how to assist with leadership if they so desire.  All of this went fine.  Two of the guys couldn’t come due to birthday celebrations in their own families.

This morning as I reflect on this I am troubled.  The event is done and that’s just what I feel–it is done.  The entire day I pushed to have all the details ready and I really didn’t take any time at all to celebrate with the men.  Nothing was said or done to acknowledge their strides through this past year addressing their personal hurts, hang-ups and habits which had brought them to the step study in the first place.  This was originally the reason for the event. I was truly operating in my human side (old self)–pushing through to get tasks done and only seeing this as such.  The rest of this week has several more events which are beginning rather than ending.  Tomorrow night is the kickoff of the group called Conquer for men & women struggling with sexual addiction.  Wednesday night is our Celebrate Recovery kickoff and Thursday night we will support another Celebrate Recovery kickoff in a neighboring church.  Friday through Sunday noon is our men’s retreat in the mountains.  My eyes are now open again to the bigger picture–the people–God’s children.  I hope to learn a good lesson from yesterday.  The old me is still present.  I want the new creation God has made to move through this week taking it one day at a time, one moment at a time. I want to see these events as support for God’s children rather than simply tasks to be completed.

Kathy and I got delayed leaving Oklahoma last night due to the terrific thunderstorms so we missed the connection in Denver to Boise. I’m doing my first blog on my phone. The journey has these interruptions in it. I think I’ll not try to figure this one out. All my devotional stuff in packed and unavailable so this am it is God, Kathy and me. I’m thinking that’s a good thing. I’m sure I’ll have more to say tomorrow morning. 

I’m missing our church’s Celebrate Recovery kickoff intro this am. I know the ones being interviewed will do fine. I would like to see it. I pray hearts to be open. 

Today ends the week with my daughter and family here in Oklahoma City.  Yes, we had a wonderful time, got the work done she wanted and had a great time with the family.  God has taught me some things about Himself while being here too.  His work is all about Him and not any one of us.  Yes, we can and should be about His work which He leads us to do, but the results of any should always point to Him, otherwise it isn’t about Him nearly as much as it is about our ego.  I sure want my work to point others to my Heavenly Father.

God is so patient waiting for man to come to full realization about Him.  I can quickly jump to a conclusion that He is not interested in something or is being complacent about it.  This morning He was thorough in pointing out that what He looks for in completing His work is often not seen by man–at least at this stage.  The other thing is that we look for physical evidence while He is always working on spiritual one/s.  He does physical work, but His greatest work is in changing hearts to see Him.  I’m going to need much more time to ever get to this full awareness and then I will not make it–I’m human too.

There is much starting when Kathy and I get home.  This next week kicks off the new Celebrate Recovery year, kicks off the Conquer series our church is starting, a dinner tomorrow night at our house for the men who just completed the step study, and our quartet bringing the worship for our kickoff.  In all of this I am most anxious about our quartet doing worship.  Why, I don’t like admitting.  Something within me knows it is all about Celebrate Recovery brings to the open all my past.  I’ve always used my singing to keep others from seeing my past.  Somehow, these two will meet next Wednesday night.  I’ve always wanted our quartet to help with our worship, but this one item has held me back all 8 years thus far.  Now it is time.  My stomach is in knots writing this.  God will bring His work forth in this I know–I hope and pray.

Now for a morning at the Oklahoma fair with the grandkids and then to fly home.

Today is my second grandson’s birthday.  He is a teenager as of today.  He has been my buddy since the day he was born.  I pray God’s special anointing upon him.

I wonder what man’s ego was intended to be when God created us originally?  In the human flesh it fights so much with spirit-filled living wanting things to go just our way so we are comfortable.  Yet, God has given us choice so we can choose faith and trust challenging this ego-driven decision-making.  Somehow I find far more women able to do this faith and trust issue ahead of us men.  God reminds me that faith and trust are spirit words–they keep us in touch with spirit-filled living.  That makes me want to get much stronger at this as I truly want to live spirit-filled throughout each day.

God is also awakening me to just how much I weaken as the day continues.  I’m trying to figure out how I can strengthen my belief as the day continues but I haven’t been successful yet.  Celebrate Recovery tells us to reflect in our journals at the end of a day.  I need something mid afternoon.  I am asking God to show me what this is.  I’m sure it will challenge my ego because just writing this here as a confession is hard enough.  I’d like to think that at my age I’d be past this, but I’m afraid the struggle still exists of wanting to choose Earnie’s ways.