Yesterday I mentioned the fruit of the Spirit which we produce when we are living by the Spirit’s leadership in our lives.  This is something I know factually but I don’t know it nearly as well spiritually.  Living the journey of yesterday I stepped into several realities of living in the flesh.  The biggest one was spending 5 hours at the hospital where my nephew is.  He has been diagnosed with a debilitating disease–Lewy Body disease which is a form of dementia.  Its uniqueness is about hallucinations, voices, tremors similar to Parkinsons as well as all of the other things we already know about dementia.  This is all about the flesh and its ongoing deterioration.  My nephew’s spirit is being lost in this from a human standpoint and he is scared.  I was asked questions I didn’t know how to answer and I was feeling many more questions that I wanted to humanly respond to out of my own sadness.

In my devotions this morning I read that the assurance of the Holy Spirit’s indwelling is confirmed–Eph. 1: 13-14.  This is exactly what I meant when I said I know this is true, but yesterday I didn’t know how to respond “in the spirit”.  How do we live 24/7 in the spirit?  This ties back to the step study topic of last Tuesday also where we spent the evening addressing Integrity.  I know that living with integrity is the epitome of living spirit-filled.  Somehow, I want the cliches of “living in the spirit” or “spirit-filled living” to become more real for me–more natural.

I know from my past ventures in my journey that these times of frustration/confusion become clearer as I seek God’s wisdom (light) from His word.  If any of you reading this have wisdom to share I would love to hear it.  Yes, you are experiencing my frustrations this morning.  I hope you will forgive me for this.  However, I would surely appreciate any insights you’d have to offer.  God bless.

It is simply amazing how quickly time marches on.  I was having a  conversation with a person recently and they were telling how slowly time moved during their summers while they were growing up.  Now that they are young adults and they can hardly keep up with time.  I find I can hardly count days, I almost now count seasons of time.  Regardless, I want the days to count only for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Last night was our weekly men’s step study for the ones in the current group from Celebrate Recovery.  We are completing the two lessons leading up to writing and giving our inventory.  The questions we answered last night were all about the topic of Integrity.  What a deep topic to address.  Superficially I want to say I am a man of integrity.  I’ve even had people throughout my adult years tell me such.  The questions under the topic align with ways one’s integrity can be damaged with the life we’ve chosen to live or the life given to us as a child when our voice was one without power over the circumstances for which we endured.  The questions primarily center around our honest talk regarding whatever is true about our lives in whatever setting we are in:  home, church, work, leisure, etc.  What are we hiding, when do we hide it, and more.  Boy, have I been caught in this quagmire.  I no longer want to be caught, and now I am conscious to when I do.  However, I am far more open to letting the past simply be a message of God’s work.  This isn’t easy yet, but it is getting better as I step more and more into this.  It is amazing how God patiently brings us through these steps of growth until we have grown into the place where we complete His purposes.  It is then that the fruit of His Spirit’s work happens:  love, joy, peace, patience, self-control and more–Galatians 5:22-23.

I want to be a man of integrity but I know I can’t of my own choosing.  It is when I am surrendered and obedient to Christ’s leadership in all arenas of my life that this will happen.  So, one day at a time–here I come.

Today is a new day and when I say new, it has new meaning.  It is cumbersome to try and put words to this morning, but I’m going to attempt to do so.  Yesterday, I talked with a Celebrate Recovery friend I sponsor who is in South Africa at a seminary/school.  We talked for about 30 minutes.  God is revealing Himself to him in magnificent ways and showing him His purpose for life.  He is a young man still in his 20’s.  This morning I felt Christ asking me if I am now ready to accept the freedom He has given me along with the freedom to be used fully by the Holy Spirit?  My answer was yes and He told me to look up and keep looking up until He was done.  In doing so He asked me what I saw.  All I could see was the morning light coming up.  He told me this light is representative of His Light He wants me to share with others who are caught in the chains of abuse.  These individuals have two sets of chains.  One of these sets of chains is binding them from the years of abuse done to them, the other set is the ones from their own sins.  How well I know both sets.  I couldn’t get to the chains of my sins until I finally got to the the chains which ran deeper within me.  They were the ones binding my identity, my self-worth, etc.  As these chains have been disappearing in my life, I’ve been able to see more clearly and hear more accurately the voice of Heaven–The Holy Spirit.

Now maybe all this sounds strange to a non-believer in Jesus, and even to a believer, yet all of this is true of today.  All I know is I want to serve Jesus however He is calling me to do so.  Wherever He takes me on this journey, I want to be a vessel displaying His Light that penetrates all darkness and displays the truth of binding chains so they can be broken once and for all!  To God be all Glory.

Today is a gift for me.  It is one of those rare days when, at least at this time of the day, there are no expectations I know about except the ones I have for it.  And, the only expectations are: to plant.  I have 18 rather large pots on the deck of our home and today I plant all of them.  I spent time last week getting the flats of annuals for them and today is planting day.  I don’t talk about this a lot because most people look at me funny if I do and say something like, “Oh, ugh, that’s nice.”  Enough of that.

I have begun to read through the Old Testament using The Message.  I’m into Leviticus and finding once again how grateful I am to be living after Christ has come to pay the price for sin–once and for all.  The rules and regulations given to man were amazing.  To think that Christ took care of all of them for us (me) is amazing grace.  For Christ to pay the price, for God to sacrifice His Son and on top of all that–to be given His Holy Spirit as a gift if we will only accept Christ as our Savior–well, how can we ever be worthy of such love and generosity?  I know I can’t except through Jesus’ paid sacrifice once and for all.

Looking at this gift Christ has given to each of us has created in me a desire to be worthy of it.  I’ve worked a lot of years on this assignment–yet I was always doing it to cover up the old man (the abused man) I thought I was.  I’m forever grateful to be awakening more and more to living in the new creation Christ gave me so long ago and only of late am I learning to accept this gift without thinking I have to earn it.  Reading Leviticus, as I said, only intensifies just how much God and Christ sacrificed for our eternity with them.  Isn’t it amazing?!

Well, if you want to find me today you won’t have to look far.  I’ll be on my deck.  Most folks look at what I have there for the day and say, “Wow, that looks like a lot of work.”  Well, I guess it would be if they were having to do it.  For me, well, it is one of the best gifts I could ever be given–a day with plants without any interruptions!

Does everyone know today is May Day?  It is one of a gardeners happiest days.  Yesterday I told you just how much I was facing with the old me (old man).  I honestly believe that yesterday was the first time in all my years of living I lived the entire day as a new creation.  I literally got everything done I was wanting to do and had such an enjoyable time doing it.  The frosting on the cake was having our new pastor and family over for homemade ice cream last evening.  They are moving here from St Louis, Missouri.  They had been house hunting and God has led them to the one He’d chosen for them which turned out to be a blessing for both realtors, the sellers and the buyers.  God is just like that.

When I ended yesterday’s posting I said the day would end with a peace that passeth understanding.  Well, it not only did, but along with it there was this wonderful contentment that I am humbled by even as I write this now.  It hasn’t been until now that I realize how much I’ve taken charge of everyone of my days instead of allowing God to orchestrate it and I complete my assignments in it.  It is just amazing to have this happen as it did.  I hope this will encourage any reader who identifies with yesterday and today’s writing to give it a try.  Let God be the Master Designer of each day.  I’ve already surrendered to this day.  The anxiety is hushed and the anticipation for a day of completing God’s assignments has begun.

The journey this particular week has been nothing but hectic.  I write this with gritted teeth.  I love this time of year.  If it were possible that I could be outside working in yards, mine along with everyone else who’d like to have some help, I’d be there.  Well, along with working the earth, my nephew is in the hospital, a funeral takes place, my wife plans an outing for us, my daughter needs to have her irrigation started, a new schools wants help with their instructional practices, a new pastor is coming and I want to be able to spend time with him and his family.  Well, that’s a start for today–just today.  I want to literally do each of these things as a first priority because I love each one involved in them, yet, there is only so much time in a day and I know I’ve got to prioritize.

I asked God this morning how a “new creation” handles this list.  I’ve always faced days like this with anxiety simply doing all of them I possibly can and shutting out any feelings about not getting to the others.  I’d tell myself–“I did the best I could.”  It was interesting this morning as I started my devotions.  I was truly in my old self filled with anxiety and not knowing how to prioritize the day.  I don’t want to handle any of these with that sense of “duty”, I want to embrace the opportunity and do it with friendship and love.  God seemed to be saying to look at this list as an opportunity to serve Him rather than serving man.  All of a sudden I realize where my eyes were and what I was listening to.  I was hearing man and my responses to man rather than hearing man and listening to how God wanted me to respond.  My first priority is serving God, not man.  There is a huge difference at the end of a day when you know you’ve done all you can for the Lord.  The peace that passeth all understanding sets in. In my past when a day like today would end I’d want to hide in a corner and say, “God, I did the best I could.  I hope that it’s been OK.  The old self would only feel the disappointment of not completing all he should have.  Today, I’m going into this as a new creation doing all I can for the God I serve.  At the end of it—well I’ll wait and see what God has for the end of it.  I think it will be something like a deep-settled peace.

(Boy, did I need to write this.  It has helped me already!)

This journey of living “one day at a time, one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace” is a superb piece of wisdom.  Living it however is a challenge most days for me.  I know that I need to surrender all my worries to Jesus each morning in order to find victory and that sense of peace–the sense that I don’t need to be in control–God already is.  I can join His work as I surrender my need to control.  I hate seeing these needs in me, but they are very real and I do need to take these steps of surrender frequently.

The drive to do things for God use to be so I could find value.  I can more fully see that the value I sought was within my own eyes.  I’ve learned I didn’t need to prove anything to anyone else, it was me.  I was judging my own self.  This is a rude awakening.  I tend to take on most any assignment offered to me thinking God wouldn’t have it said to me if He weren’t wanting me doing it.  However, I’m now learning much more about discernment.  Taking all things to Him to find His will.  What sounds like God working initially isn’t always where God wants me.  I was called earlier this week by a school system that asked me to work with them evaluating their teachers.  I was glad they called and met briefly with them.  I’m going back later this am to continue this conversation.  God has been pointing out to me that just because they are asking for help doesn’t mean it is with His intent.  I need to probe to find whose interest they are wanting to fulfill.  Is it the administration’s selfish wishes or does it actually grow the profession I love–teaching?  I’ll be more discerning as I meet with them today.

The other thing I’m learning of late is about priorities.  Our step study group is in the midst of this topic right now.  I know to rate family at the top, however, I still impulsively put other assignments above them if I don’t pause, take a deep breath or two giving the Holy Spirit time to speak to me.  Once I do that I know to put my family there at the top.  Well, there are many things I am needing to learn and to have many reminders during these days.  But for now, I go into this day surrendered and taking “one moment at a time”.

Yesterday’s journey had a good deal of enlightenment built into it.  The funeral celebration for my college pastor was wonderful and God orchestrated it into a celebration of a life well lived.  My nephew in the hospital has much going on and is in need of continued prayer for clarity of cause.  I’m going to see him this afternoon as my work is done in the early afternoon.  I was also notified yesterday morning that a teacher I’d hired the last year I was principal of my school lost her husband to a heart attack.  He was 44 years old.  He was a youth pastor at one of our local churches.  They have two boys:  4 and 7.

In our celebrate recovery program last night I was looking for 5 newcomers slated to be there.  None of them showed.  In each case there is a story of great need and yet when the time comes for the need to be addressed with genuine help, they don’t come.  We prayed for them in my group.  The first step to genuine help is truly the most difficult one to take.  How well I know this step.  There are many following the first one that are difficult likewise, but there is nothing like the first one.  All the denial of reality screams in your face when the first step is being taken–“I really don’t need this,”  “I can do this on my own if I just buck up,” “I know I can be stronger tomorrow, just give me one more chance,” and the excuses/denial goes on.  Please pray for the blinders to be removed and the strength to maintain the courage to complete the first step.  Freedom is waiting.

Psalms 84:11 says:  “The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord gives grace and glory; no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.  I use to think  a verse like this was talking about the saint walking uprightly.  Well, now I know well that the struggling, mourning soul who thinks there is no hope left, but is willing to take a first step is a splendid example of walking uprightly. God sees the courage of the one taking the step even if their head is sagging.  Pray for the lost ones who need assurance of Christ’s light and shield from all the attacks within.  Grace and Strength are waiting just a step away.

God is Faithful and He is Good.  My relative in the hospital is in the right place.  He knows this.  Thanks for the prayers which have been prayed for his well-being.

Today is the celebration of the life of Reverend Eichenberger.  He was the pastor of the church I attended my four years in college at Northwest Nazarene College.  He and his wife Betty were a gift from God for me during those years and for all the years subsequent to college.  Mrs. E passed away a few years ago and Rev. E died last Wednesday and his funeral is today at 10:30.  Our quartet is singing.  I truly loved him.  He was a man of much wisdom which he gave away freely and humbly.

On Tuesday evenings I co-lead a step study for our Celebrate Recovery group.  I was awakened last night in the step study to something I want to pass along this morning.  I’ve mentioned more than once about living in the new creation God has given me and given to each of us who have accepted Him into our lives as our Savior and Lord.  A question we were responding to in the study last night was answering:  What, if anything, do we still fear from our past?  I said I still fear homosexuality.  If I’m in a group of men I don’t know, I have this sense of dread that someone’s eyes may be lurking.  An individual in the group said he feared he would still live in the old man thinking.  Instantly when he said this I realized my thinking relating to this question is from the old self.  I thanked him for being God’s tool providing me wisdom that I don’t need to fear this.  I Corinthians 10:13 promises “God will provide a way of escape….”  I don’t need to fret a group of men.  I am God’s kid and I can trust my Father.  Actually, I do trust my Father and I was so glad to be able to put this fear to rest last night–Praise be to God!

I want to write this connecting to yesterday’s message about my relative.  I took him for the time of prayer with a pastor’s team at our church.  This time was very clarifying for him to see the difference between evil possession vs evil oppression.  He was definitely being oppressed.  Later in the day I took him and his wife to the hospital where I spent much of the night.  He is being diagnosed this morning.  By the time I left him about 2:15 am he was so grateful to know he was staying and help is coming.  I’d ask any of you who are led to be praying for him.

There is certainly a difference between helping God’s plan and creating a plan we want God to bless.  In so many ways I’ve tried to do good work for God throughout my life thinking He would bless it if it were “good”.  But, I’m sure learning a huge gap in my thinking.  God has never needed me to define for Him what is good.  I have needed to learn to look for what God is doing, to see the fruit of God’s work and ask how He’d want me to assist, if He wants me to do so at all.  This can be very muddy at times, but I am personally finding that God does make this clear if I stay in touch with Him throughout the day keeping myself grounded in Him and not what I see might be needing some of “my help”.

One of the big things I know from my personal experience is that help does come from God through us men once we reach out to one/s in our lives we trust.  God wants us to be there for one another, but being there is our step, we have to be reached out to in order to give Godly assistance.  I began to reach out through the help of Celebrate Recovery and the way it structure my reaching out and providing for me a safe means of doing so.  I sure encourage anyone who might need to reach out right now to find that person you trust and reach out to them.  God is waiting to provide His help as we do so.