As today begins I’m pondering just what God wants me to post today?  Last weekend I had a rather disturbing situation occur.  I didn’t post it at the time because I hadn’t know what God wanted me to learn from it. I was accused of saying something very hurtful about someone I’ve known much of my life.  I supposedly said it to someone else I know well who told this other person.  “I had said it in jest, I was told.”  I was made aware of this last Sunday morning before our first service.  What is so troubling is that I did not say any of it.  I’ve only talked to the two directly involved–the one who said I told her and the one it was said about.  I apologized to the hurt person because I care deeply for them and never want them thinking otherwise.  I’ve puzzled over this wondering what I’m to do with it?  Do I just chalk it up and let it go or is there a lesson for me to learn?  Those who know me well know I can say some pretty stupid things in jest.  However, I always remember saying them and always feel that little prod from my spirit when I need to apologize for it.  This just wasn’t like that in any way.

This morning I asked God if He wanted me to know anything from this experience?  Instantly I felt Him saying that this kind of sly deviousness is exactly what Satan does to put question marks in people’s mind about God’s Kingdom workers.  He wanted me to know I need to be fully awake to this.  Instead of being stunned, expect it.  I will do just that from this point forward.

One more thing–one of our men from Celebrate Recovery was ambulanced to the hospital with heart issues last night.  A stint surgery followed and he is doing well from it.  This man has struggled for some years now.  I am watching and waiting to hear just how God will use this in His Miraculous Ways to not only physically heal him, but to heal a very wounded man emotionally and spiritually.  Our God is so amazing!  I so love watching Him work.

Yesterday someone I love shared with me how God had blessed them in a most significant way.  They felt most unworthy of the gift, but yet it was given.  This morning I’ve not been able to get this out of my mind and heart.  It has taken me so long to learn that what God wants most from me is my love demonstrated in my trust and faith in Him.  This action of love is driven by the passion of heart rather than the discipline of mind.  The passion of my heart is directly tied to my spirit.  The discipline of mind has been in the control of my humanness thinking that is how I should obey God.  It hasn’t been until I’ve learned just how tender and kind God’s love is through getting to know Him more, that I’ve taken the steps of greater faith and trust.  These steps have been the steps of coming out with my past, to stop hiding behind walls that only kept in the hurt rather than give real protection, and more.  It is even to tell when I presently struggle.  My humanness is not over until I die, so the fact I face temptations and struggles is a given.  God doesn’t want me hiding them.

I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that God is most interested in our relationship with Him first and foremost.  The reason for this is that it isn’t until we have the deeper relationship that we begin to trust God enough to tell the truth about our struggles.  Then when we do we don’t find condemnation, we actually find support and greater love.  As I was journaling this morning about this I asked God what He wanted me to know.  He brought to mind The Lord’s Prayer.  It says in part, “…Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven….”  God reminded me that His Kingdom is the universe which includes us–earth.  He wants what is in heaven right here on earth.  We cannot  be separated from sin’s influence while on earth, but when our relationship is strong in the Lord, we can have His Power to protect us from these evil influences.  All of this comes from a relationship God continuously pursues with us.  All my life I tried to get there through my works.  Little by little I’m getting straightened out.  I must say that God is truly the best and most kind teacher.  He is also the most patient One!

There’s some startling truth that begins to unfold when I read the book of Acts.  The boldness of the disciples came when the Holy Spirit filled them.  Secondly, The Holy Spirit didn’t just fill them, He gave them words He wanted spoken.  This isn’t just found in the initial anointing which happened at Pentecost while they were in the upper room.  Throughout Acts, The Holy Spirit is very present and is always bold and giving words which are to be spoken.

My religious upbringing talked about being filled with The Holy Spirit but not in the way Acts does.  I know we all are given the Gift of The Holy Spirit when we receive Christ, but to be filled with The Spirit is another item.  I’ve never really struggled to talk about my relationship with Christ.  What I’ve struggled with is talking about my abuse thinking it would keep me from having this relationship.  Now I sense The Holy Spirit is wanting me to be bold in it.  For this reason I do take the opportunities to speak out.  I don’t think I do this with boldness.  There are times when I am talking about all of this with someone and words are said which make me wonder where they came from.  I sense they are from The Holy Spirit within.  I just know I want to be obedient to His calling and His leading in my life each moment of each day.

What I desire most of all is intimacy with God’s Holy Spirit.  I’m not sure what that would be like, but I will continue to seek His fullness within me as I take my daily steps to follow His lead in my life.

I got up this morning thinking I should stay in bed due to this cold I have. However, if I laid there I felt I should be getting up.  Well, the getting up won.  This cold won’t get better by lying in one’s bed!

I just reread the post I wrote yesterday morning.  It is a topic God is having me stay with.  Even this morning He is pointing out again the importance of my total reliance on His Holy Spirit in my life.  My devotions asked me if I were holding anything back from The Holy Spirit having complete control of me?  I’d like to quickly say, “No, I’m holding nothing back.”  However, this is a serious matter and one I want to let The Holy Spirit talk to me about as I go through today.

Yesterday was a good day in spite of this cold.  Our quartet was singing for a lady I knew 50 years ago.  Her daughter was in college with me.  She now lives with her son and daughter in law in a neighboring town.  She has hospice care and it is just a matter of time.  She didn’t remember me nor did she seem to remember our one quartet member who is related to her.  However, when we began to sing familiar hymns her eyes glistened and she clapped and clapped in feeble manner after each one.  I could surely see she is ready to meet her Master and join her heavenly family for eternity.

Someday this will happen for me.  But, until then, I want to be a good warrior for My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

God has been wanting me to learn much more about Him and His steadfast ways with us.  My lesson today for the Step Study is about forgiveness.  In it we address 3 questions:  1.  Have you accepted God’s forgiveness?  2.  Have you forgiven others who have hurt you?  3.  Have you forgiven yourself?

I’ve done these lessons many times now over the years and I’ve answered them differently each time depending on the steps of recovery God has taken me through.  Presently, God has been showing me the importance of belief and trust.  John 19:30 says, “It is finished.”  The price of our sins is paid in full.  I’ve stumbled around over this for a long time.  Much of my life I thought I couldn’t be forgiven because of the sins done to me.  I didn’t think the filth of my brother’s sexual sin to me could ever be cleansed.  Rich was forgiven, but God didn’t address sin done to you, I thought.  When I finally got to the place where I had accepted my dad’s sin and my brother’s sin as theirs and not mine, I began to let it go.  Last summer it was my mom I dealt with.

Now, God is wanting me to fully believe and trust in Him.  Philippians 1:6 says, “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”  It is time to start perfecting these gifts of The Holy Spirit.  I have asked God to plant the seeds of both and I know they are growing (or will be growing).  This lesson of today on forgiveness drives home the importance of believing and trusting completely.  All of my life I’ve thought I had to be the strong one in order to not be like dad or Rich.  Instead, God was wanting me to surrender what I thought was my strength so I could learn to be strong in Him.  In so doing I can become more Christ-like.  This I want to do.  This is what God is wanting me to become.

Yesterday started with going to one of the schools for a leadership team meeting.  I needed to be there by 7:00 am so I did not get to my blog ahead of that.  By the time I got home I was too far into the day.  I actually spent the day, following the school visit, working with some of the ministry issues I’m carrying inside.  I was already meeting someone for lunch for which I need an opinion for our forthcoming recovery ministries.  I also called and talked to one of our pastors to get more clarity about a couple issues.  Later in the day I received an email from the ministry I’m wanting to partner with as we develop these recovery ministries at our church.  The information was timely and good.  Tomorrow after church I’m meeting with the three who are assisting me getting the ground work laid.

Later in the day I had time to sit and relax (thinking I’d take a short nap).  I was taking my two oldest grandsons to dinner and to the opening of Star Wars.  As I sat I was more and more filled with concerns, fears, obstacles, which would keep this new ministry from ever happening.  I only napped a few minutes.  I should have called my accountability partner to just tell someone, but I didn’t.  I kept believing I can’t do this.  Then this morning came.  That’s the beauty of mornings–the sun comes up!  With its light–God shed His Light.  A couple days ago I said I now believe The Holy Spirit lives in me.  Yesterday was a good test of that belief.  This morning God reminded me that Belief and Trust are gifts.  He will grow these gifts if I allow Him to plant the seeds of them within the cleansed body (garden) called–me.  I’m not asked to believe and trust in some concept or intangible.  I’m asked to believe and trust in The Lord Jesus Christ, God the Father and The Holy Spirit.  These tests of yesterday showed me I needed to not hold onto the seeds of belief and trust but to allow them to be planted so they can grow to maturity within me.  So they now are planted.

All of this reminds me of the verse, Luke 17:6.  It reads, “He replied, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you.”  I do have this much faith and trust and now the seeds aren’t being held, but they are planted so they can flourish into the fullness Christ wants them to be in me.  Boy, do I love Him.

I’ve been wanting to learn how to live a Spirit-filled life for some time.  Now that I’ve finally accepted the truth that I, along with all others, am a child of God if we’ve received Him in our lives, and I have been given this Gift of the Holy Spirit.  There is such a big different between having a gift and using it.  As I step into a clearer understanding of full obedience to God, Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit I find/see more clearly how much my own passion/spirit interferes with quickly obeying The Holy Spirit’s leadership.  When I am leading I really do try in as nicely as possible, to get others on board with my thinking.  I know my thinking can be flawed, but to get me to see the flaws is tougher than I would intend for it to be.  I’m in the midst of working through some of this right now as I step into the development of our new recovery classes.

I’ve never really thanked God for the passion I possess towards the work I do.  If someone cornered me on the topic I believe I’d tell them the passion is from God.  However, I’m now seeing rather plainly that the passion is simply me.  I want it to be used for God’s purposes and I want people to be blessed from it.  Well, in just writing this out I count no less than 6 “I’s”.  This unto itself is telling.  Obedience and surrender have a different sense of passion behind them.  Passion becomes determination with kindness and discernment when it is in obedience to God’s leading through His Holy Spirit.  My spirit is one with His when this is true.

God is needing me to awaken to these things I know.  It is a growing step for me.  Last night’s blessings were well received by everyone.  I enjoy more watching people receive their blessing and then give one to another.  However, when it is my turn to receive my blessing, I get tense.  That unworthiness factor tries to dominate me.  However, I recognized it last night.  The blessings God gives us are many when we finally allow God’s work to be recognized and received.  A simple compliment received and not talked down is a perfect example of one for me.  Another blessing for me is God working me through these steps of obedience and surrender.  I want to be better in all of this and God is faithful to get me there.

Today is a new day.  Yesterday I talked with Kathy to get her assurance that she is with me fully in moving forward with this new ministry work.  I also met with my accountability partner to go over my vulnerability entering into this arena and where I need prayer and accountability.  It is striking to sense the support God provides us once we take that step of obedience–breaking the silence of hiding–and tell the truth of what one is experiencing.  God isn’t telling us to take these steps as suggestions.  He created us to need Him and to need the support He provides us with one another.

Tonight is our “Blessings” night for Celebrate Recovery.  Every since we began this ministry 9 years ago we have taken this night in December to give a blessing to one another in our group.  Now that there are 45-55 attending, it takes longer, but it is so touching.  The blessings this year are scripture promises throughout the Word.  It will be the first time we’ve used scriptures for the blessing.  Now that we have taken this step I wonder why it took 9 years to stumble into the importance of giving a blessing through the actual Word of God?  Well, another show of humanness I guess.

Last night ended our 7-Pillars class for men overcoming sexual addiction.  It is good to have this completed and we are working to now see how God is wanting this work to weave into the new recovery classes we will be starting.  This is where I need to have help separating my passion/will to know God’s Spirit’s leading.  I am giving the outline of work to 3 others tonight so they can pray over it, read it and meet with me Sunday afternoon to discuss what the Holy Spirit is confirming in their spirit and what is not being confirmed as of yet.

I started reading Acts this morning.  The very first lesson to be learned from chapter 1 seems to be “waiting on the Holy Spirit”.  Our human work is quite futile when God is not in it.  I will wait and thank God in the wait for what His Holy Spirit is preparing for us to do with Him.

Yesterday I wrote about how much God is in control and how He orchestrates His Work if we only will quit trying to do it ourselves.  Today is no different.  I awoke early today first because I’m headed to work in a little bit but also because I needed to process a great deal with God before I headed out.  It seems God is placing me in a position of leading our church’s recovery ministries and it is going to formalize as we go into the new year.  There is little difference about anything on the outside.  It is more about accountability and communication chains for those working within it.  As I awoke this morning it was about a lot more than this.

As I began my devotions all I could think were the fears of stepping into this.  Old voices were screaming:  “You’re only doing this to find your importance in your old age.  You couldn’t do this when you were young, why do you think you can now that you’re old?” “You are still human with so many flaws it is embarrassing to God’s Kingdom Work.  Quit gratifying your ego and let God lead His Kingdom Work.”  These are a couple of the fears I had screaming.

In yesterday’s message I wrote that in the book of John Christ gave the disciples power to forgive sin.  These fears acted on would become sin so I gave them over to Christ this morning confessing the paralyzing effect they want to have on me.  I’m also writing them here to confess my humanness to any reader.  God is bigger and so much more powerful than any fear once they are surrendered.  I need to build a stronger team of support in this arena and I’m also going to address this today.

When I started this blog  a year and a half ago I never thought I’d be writing such intimate stuff yet this is where the journey is taking me.  Thanks for being part of it with me.

Why is it that when God is visibly working I am always amazed?  Yesterday, after church, I had our Celebrate Recovery leadership monthly meeting.  It had much packed into it with a couple items I thought would be rather controversial.  I was simply impressed and amazed at how smoothly everything went.  Instead of controversy, there was support and willingness to be in prayer.

This week’s schedule has much in it regarding work and ministry need.  I’ve already been in touch with the pastors at church I need to meet with before I take any more steps with ministry development and they can meet later this morning.  I could hardly believe how easy this was to get set.  Of course, God reminded me that this is His Work I’m talking about and why am I amazed that He is taking care of all details?  I have to admit again that there is a lot of humanness in me and my behavior.

Today in my scripture reading I found myself needing to reread the chapters in John about Christ’s crucifixion and His rising again 3 days later.  He told His disciples in follow up meetings with them that He gives them the power to forgive sin.  John 20:23.  He goes on to say in the same verse that if we retain the sin of anyone, they are retained.  This is they key to the freedom found in coming to Celebrate Recovery for me.  Not only did I find a safe place to finally speak the truth of my past and its damage to me but I was also led to go back to the professional counseling and therapy which enabled me to go to the roots of the damage the abuse caused.  Now in reading this verse I am able to see why Christ told the disciples what He said.  They nor we can ever have the freedom Christ provides if we do not forgive the sins done to us or around us.  When we hang onto the hurt of sin we hold onto its bondage  to us.  That is exactly what I was doing my whole life in trying to hide it and wall it off from my own feelings.  My recent encounters with both my mom and my dad have continued to show how much freedom Christ wants me to have.  I am just amazed at this truth.  Thank you Jesus for the work You have done and continue to do as You daily enlighten us (me).